Email your Comments and Questions to:

Monday, August 27, 2012

Why Do Men Act The Way They Do?

Here's the easy answer:  Because we're trying to get laid! 

This doesn't mean we don't also want a meaningful reationship. It just means we value sex tremendously. Yes I know sometimes what we do and how we act is completely counter productive to this idea but trust me, whatever it is we're doing or not doing has the intended result of getting laid. 

Yes, we really do think about sex all the time. Yes it's ridiculous. We can't help ourselves. Stop being so beautiful and we'll stop wanting to have sex with you. When we first meet you we quickly think what you'd be like sexually. Even after we've had sex with you we think about the next time we're going to have sex with you. Will there even be a next time? Will it be better? Will it be worse? From our jobs, to our cars, to our clothes, everything is done with an eye toward catching your eye.  

If you're feeling sick from hearing this or prefer to just think all men are fucking nuts then my advice is to date women or spend some quality time with a monk. We are who we are. Accept it. Embrace it.

A female friend of mine who I've known for over 20 years just told me "sex is no big deal." Yeah. To a woman it's no big deal!  If you have a bottomless keg in your house with a beer tap and you can pour yourself a cold beer anytime you want...of course it's not going to be a big deal. Just pull the lever. Cha-Ching. If women want sex all they have to do is say so. Go ahead. Try it. Walk up to any random guy on the street or in the supermarket. You'll see.

On the other hand, men have to say they want it (a given) and then either work for it or pay for it...either way time and money are involved.  No wonder we place a higher value on it than women do. Anything you can get whenever you want it for free with no strings attached is not something you could possibly value much.  Sex to a man is huge deal! And to any man who tells you otherwise, he's full of shit and just trying to be cool and casual about it. Every time we have it, we think, "Damn! I just had sex!"

We're talking single men here. Married men at some point stopped worrying about it and have no choice but to accept the fact it's no longer a big deal. Trust me. I've spoken with many a married men about this. They argue how other things have become more important...their kids, their work, etc....Bullshit. They've just retired from all the bullshit that goes along with getting sex from their wives. So they inherently devalue its meaning. Yes sex drives decrease the older you get...but all that means is that maybe once a week is enough now...instead of daily. It's still men of all ages.

And I totally understand the notion of "meaningful sex" and how important that kind of sex is to women. Of course, guys want to have meaningful sex too. But short of meaningful sex any sex will do. It's all we think about. Even Crash Davis, Kevin Costner's character in Bull Durham, had to step out of the batter's box because he had that "Annie character" in his head. You are always in our thoughts. Always.

The meatier, more complicated answer to why we act the way we do is that men are in a constant state of proving our self worth. Often, our behavior has a very specific purpose. Unlike many women, men are not  so random. We may be showcasing our unique abilities or fueling our ego. We need approval and we need to be loved...much more so than women. 

Sex is the one thing we know to look to that can boost our confidence and manhood. That's the real reason we're so focused on getting's not just because we're horny animals...although we's much more psychological with us than you ever thought possible. Whereas, many women want sex just because it feels good....Self esteem and feeling more "womanly" do not bear the same weight in sex as they do for men. Many of us can only feel "manly" when we're having sex.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

8 Compliments Your Man Wants to Hear according to COSMO

...according to Cosmopolitan magazine and . Here's their list and the link to the article with my added comments for each below.

1.  "No one makes me laugh like you do"
Women always claim they want a guy with a sense of if it's that true then this is one of the best compliments you can give us.

2.  "You give the best advice"
Men want to be helpful and for you to feel like you need us.

3.  "You're so big"
While you would think we want to hear this...the reality is when we you say this we probably think you're full of shit. Cause just like we're aware there's always smaller...there's also always bigger. Instead of complimenting our size why not just tell us how great we feel inside you?  Like "I love how you feel inside me" It sounds more genuine too.

4.  "Your arms look sexy"
If you're going to say this you're going to need to touch our arms as well...otherwise it's empty words. Words without action are meaningless.

5.  "Your butt looks amazing in those jeans"
Unlike women, men want to be objectified for our bodies. Objectify away.

6.  "You're making me so hot right now"
You're making me "so wet" works too.

7.  "You're so good at_______"
This can be anything...not necessarily sexual. It shows you're paying attention to our skills. Believe it or not we want to be appreciated for more than just our penis.

8.  "I feel safe when I'm with you"
I'm not a big fan of this one, but I understand why women say it. As men we're constantly reminded how unsafe women feel around men...whether it's because of the threat of physical violence or rape or stalking or just plain creepers men scare women easily.  We know if you're feeling safe with us then you can trust us...and if you can trust then you can have sex with us. So telling us you feel safe just means you're ready to get naked.

No surprise half of these are sexually stimulated.  Obviously, men need lots of ego boosting for sure, but above all, your comments need to be genuine. Bullshitting a guy just to make him "feel good" is no better than faking your orgasm for the same effect. We want the real deal. And completely turned off by anything else. If we can't trust what you say to us we can't respect you....much less love you....but we can still have sex with you. 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

10 Reasons Why You Should Have Sex Every Day

I recently came across this YouTube comedian Emily Hart from the UK. @emilyhartidge on Twitter. She delivers these "10 Reasons Why..." videos on a wide range of topics. She's funny, goofy, witty and yet, still remarkably sexy. At least she makes you wonder if she can stop joking long enough to have sex. Admittedly, I'm fascinated by her...perhaps even slightly obsessed ever since I found out about her YouTube page. Cosmo's nominated her for Blog of the Year. Here's one of her more....stimulating creations. "10 Reasons Why You Should Have Sex Every Day" And by "You" she means Women! Amazing. Cause really, guys already know why they should. In part, this is what makes Emily so fascinating and charming. She's trying to educate as well as amuse both sexes. I think I'm in love. Watch the clip.

Monday, August 6, 2012

7 Sex Positions Men Love

I agree with Diana Vilbert from Your  My comments are in italics.

The bedroom moves that men love: try these sex positions tonight.

Want to spice things up in the bedroom? Make his night and drive him crazy with these sex positions that men love. Ultimately, sex is about love and intimacy, so while the positions are part of the fun, the real payoff is the way various maneuvers allow you to connect and explore each other in different ways.
1. Woman on Top: Ask your guy what drives him crazy in the bedroom, and we're betting he'll say it's pleasing you. This sexy position puts you in the driver's seat, and that's exactly where he wants you. Take advantage of being in control and set the pace according to what you like, leaving his hands free to roam. The bonus? He loves having your curves in full view…so flip on the lights and give him a show.

I'll add to this by suggesting doing it from a seated position. Like literally from the driver's position, from a chair, on the edge of the couch, edge of the bed. My favorite position is enhanced by being able to do   multiple things at once. Hold you up with one arm wrapped around your hips, the other hand is free to roam and I can easily still kiss you while I'm inside you.
2. Missionary: This standard go-to is a favorite because it puts him in control, while still being intimate: your hips are free to do all the work, and you can lock lips and eyes with ease. And while he's in the power position on top of you, the two of you can set the pace together. If you want him to go slower or deeper, put your hands on his hips and guide him. The best sex is like a conversation, and missionary allows you to communicate with your bodies.

We want you to guide us. Don't be shy, but also don't make us feel like you're reading us the instruction manual...let us try our thing too.

3. Reverse Cowgirl: This reverse variation of the woman on top position is the best of both worlds for your guy. It gives him the sexy view he gets during doggie style but it puts you in control. This position doesn't allow for a ton of touching or eye contact, but it's a nice contrast to some of the more classic, romantic positions. If you're craving a connection flash a look back at him while you're doing your thing—it'll drive both of you over the edge.

Be wild and free.
4. Doggie Style: This rear entry positions puts him in control, allowing him to call the shots and to go at the speed that's best for him. Plus, it allows for deeper penetration, making him feel like king in the bedroom. Some women love the intense full feeling, but if it feels like too much, let him know. Communication is key to enjoying sex and experiencing the full psychological benefits of physical intimacy.

Be submissive. 
5. Standing Up: Getting it on while standing up is probably not your go-to move, but it's perfect for that sweaty, gotta-have-you-now sex that'll make him feel irresistible. Whether he's bending you over the new kitchen table or you're steadying yourself against the wall, this spontaneous position is perfect for a quickie.

The rougher the better. We want to dominate you because we're so incredibly turned on.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Guys Want the Fairytale Too

Watch the Film Going the Distance with Drew Barrymore and Justin Long. I shed a couple of tears...what can I say? I'm sensitive about these things.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns

I started reading this acclaimed book Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy and find it to be extremely helpful in dealing with the volatile emotions and racing thoughts that come with despair and depression. The basic premise is that no other person or situation makes us feel the way we do. We are the ones responsible for our feelings. However we interpret and perceive things is how we will feel.

One of the issues that affects me more than most is communication, or more accurately, a lack of communication. I can't stand being ignored or silenced.  I seek answers and justice.  I'm an open and honest person and I feel others should be as well. And when they aren't, it frustrates me. Dr. Burns addresses our "shoulds" as unfair and unrealistic values. Just because I'm comfortable with candor doesn't mean others should be.  I am the one who needs to respect that and deal with it. And not take it personally when someone is unwilling to express exactly what they're feeling or thinking with me just because I want to know.

When it comes to love and dating there's so many things that often go fully unexplained or understood. That's a hard bitter bill for me to swallow. Without proper information we jump to conclusions or let our mind drift to places that wreck havoc on our emotions. Not knowing why or how come is the greatest source of anxiety and depression that leads to self loathing and hopelessness. If I only knew...I could feel better. Right?

When we're angry or disappointed with someone perhaps it's better to step back and look at the situation from the other person's perspective.  Learn to be empathetic and you will free yourself from being trapped in hostility, self-doubt, and despair writes Dr. Burns.

Recalling my unrequited affair, she clearly was not someone comfortable with properly expressing her real emotions. Her dramatic outbursts aside, she never took the time to communicate with me or allow herself to become intimate. And that's what's continued to bother me most years later.  But there's nothing I can do about it. That was her choice. Her decision. I tried as best I could to get her to share or open up to me, but the more I engaged, the further away she drifted. It hurt tremendously to think she didn't care enough about our connection or about my feelings. But does that make her an unloving, uncaring person?

No. The thing she lacked was empathy. And for someone who struggles with their emotional candor it's not a surprise she lacks the skill to step into someone else's head. Clearly she has the capacity to love because she stuck with her boyfriend, in spite of our legendary connection and whatever sexual problems the two of them were having at the time. I'm fully aware she needed to get rid of me if she had a chance of salvaging her relationship with him. It's also why she could never just be friends with me afterward. Not because she didn't like me....simply because she couldn't afford the temptation.

So where does that leave me? My self-esteem should be encouraged knowing I was such a temptation to her that she needed to sever our ties...but in my eyes, only the defeat remains. I lost out on her. She loved someone else so incredibly she was able to dismiss me like I was nothing. How can I feel good about that? 

Friends and Family try and tell me all it was all for the best. That she was too crazy or too unstable or too manipulative or whatever her faults may have been would have been a recipe for disaster. In the end, I'm better off without her they say.  For whatever reason, I'm unable to accept that I dodged such a bullet. I do realize it's not worth being miserable over, yet I'm still not at peace with it. What have I learned? What have I gained?  Going forward, these are the things that matter.

For more answers, and for now, I'll just have to keep reading I guess.