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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Talk to Me

Contrary to popular belief among women....we want you to talk to us....not necessarily about what we need to pick up at the grocery store or at Bed Bath & Beyond....but how you're feeling. And if we have to, we'll get down on our knees and to us. And never ever text.  TALK.  For those of you who can't spend the whole 5:30mins watching this clip...jump to the 2:50 mark.!

Monday, March 19, 2012

Fate, Texts & The Smell of a Foot - PART I

A girl friend encouraged me to be more personally revealing in these posts...and while I've shared a number of escapades and tid bits I have admittedly held back on the whole enchilada. Instead, I've chosen to write in mostly general terms, explaining how the majority of men behave and think. The next several posts will shed a more insightful light inside the psyche of a man...specifically...this man's, through one extreme experience that forever changed how I think, feel, love and dream about women.

Most of my male friends who know the story all thought pretty much the same thing as me throughout the ordeal...the difference being they wouldn't dare communicate the depth to which I go and reveal what I do publicly...nor would they have let it define them so singularly as I have let it do to me. 

The only prelude to the story I'll share is that when a guy meets a woman he knows instantly how he feels about her...not just if he wants to sleep with her....but how he feels about her. As for this upcoming story...I never felt stronger about any woman I'd ever met....and this was after my first 5 minutes with her. Whether or not that feeling proves to be prophetic is another question.

One note about the writing's pure stream-of-conscious...and highly unfiltered. You've been warned.

Part I

A cross country flight….a couple of drinks…a double shot of Californication catch-up…Springsteen’s Brilliant Disguise dialed up on E Street Radio…which I can’t fucking believe that’s the song playing right now…brilliant…you can see the lyrics here…

And so…with that…just like that…I guess I found my inspiration to write.

I should be seeing her tonight…but I’m not…instead I’m writing about seeing her, because she said she can’t see me anymore…not she doesn’t want to see me…she just can’t…no real warning…no explanation…not one that makes any real sense anyway… just done…nice knowing you "Steven"….Oh, and give your mother a kiss for me….and I’m sorry.

I met her nearly 90 days ago...September 9 of 2009…as in 09/09/09…not that I thought anything of the date and the numbers at the time...I’m not one to pay attention to things like that unless well…there’s a reason to…so maybe I do pay some attention….do I believe in fate? some degree yes…while I’m not religious and not even sure I believe in God I do believe in cosmic occurrences…events that just happen seemingly at random…whether or not it’s actually random is what’s open for debate…I’ll give you a brief example of some act of fate that recently happened to me.

I was on my way into a bar with some friends and we thought about not going in because it didn’t seem all that crowded and there was a cover...just when I asked the guys if we were sure we still wanted to go, my buddy turned to me and said, “Oh no, we’re going in. After all, you might meet the love of your life in there tonight and I’m not going to stand in the way of that.”….Now obviously, he was kidding and just busting my balls...and we all had a laugh about it…but it does start to get a guy thinking….so we went in and I kinda’ hit it off with our waitress…seemingly….I gave her my card on our way out…yes I liked her…yes I wanted to go out with her…under normal circumstances would I have ever given her any consideration about being the love of my life?...of course not….but since my friend said it only 5 minutes before we met her…well…time will tell right? At any rate, I didn’t get her number so the point was moot…it was now in her hands….and of course none of the guys thought she was going to call…so the point was really moot to them….except…3 days later she did call and wanted to meet for a drink….I can say now after we’ve seen each other a couple of times she hasn’t exactly turn out to be the love of my life, although I did find myself incredibly drawn to her…and maybe the thinking about her possibly being that love of my life further accentuated my desire for her…perhaps even clouded my judgment…all I know is, that’s a lot of pressure to live up to for someone you just met…and I never told her about it…one thing was clear…she did not think that I was the love of her life….in the end however,…the only thing you can say with any certainty is that some fate intervened that night for us to meet.

I’ve never been one to take anything for granted…especially when it comes to people and never know what a chance meeting will lead to…and maybe I place too much significance on them…what can I say except…I care.

So my new date of random destiny was 9 9 9….the devil’s digits…6 6 6 in reverse…hell upside down if you will…lol.....and this new one sure seemed like an angel at the time…and it did feel like heaven…

I’m a writer who occasionally scalps tickets to concerts and sporting events…something has to pay for the artistic pursuits…and under the perfect cosmic alignment I met her in the parking lot before a DMB show in LA…DMB just happened to be her FFB....favorite fucking band…..these clips from the actual show on 9/9/09 seem appropriate given the circumstances…

I remember her being with some guy who was totally not right for her. I asked if they needed tickets and like 99% of the people going to the show they already had their tickets….Upgrade…that was my only hope…I would ask her if she wanted better seats maybe.  They…well…she seemed interested…he just kind of sheepishly stood aside while she pursued my inquiry…quite the opposite from what you normally encounter with a couple at a show looking for tickets…you can tell a lot about a person on the street…how they interact with a complete stranger over a business transaction in such a raw unprotected environment…here, my instincts are impeccable….I’m a socially open guy to begin with…and have no problem making quick friends and being comfortable around people I just met…men and women…so reading people and selling tickets comes fairly naturally to me.

Two things immediately struck me about her…first was…goddamn she’s fine!….and second….goddamn, she ain’t scared or intimidated to walk this line.  Most women will not deal on the street when it comes to tickets…either they’re untrusting of the whole process or they don’t have any cash on them.  

I always tell guys if you’re bringing your girl to an event without tickets tell her to “please wait over there while I get us some tickets”…it’s just better business…for them…and for me…..but this was not the case with her…she was in charge…she knew what she was doing…she tried smiling and charming her way to the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)…the upgrade …on the street I don’t break easy…but, I would have with her…if not for the boy toy she was with…I think I said, “the deal depends on whether or not that guy is your boyfriend or your cousin”…she laughed and quickly replied “My Uncle.”…clever, sassy…funny…but I'm still not doing the deal….I said, “What else you offering?”…like someone was feeding her lines through an earpiece she came back with, “I got some lotion in here” as she dug into her purse…without missing a beat, I smartly said, “What? Like you mean for later?”…she really seemed to like that one…I admit, it was well played….fortunately, I once again told her "Sorry no deal."  Because if I had taken the deal, in all likelihood, I would have never seen her again. And I was trying to portray a pillar of strength. Solid. Confident.

I hadn't thought about being with a woman in a while. I had just come off a brief fling that left me virtually unsatisfied....more empty than anything else....not because the woman wasn't into me...she was way into love with me actually.  Call her. I'll give you the number. She'll tell you. I just didn't have the same passion toward I was still thinking about "the love of my life" that had fizzled. I was essentially desireless.

Yet, even with my lack of interest to pursue any woman at this moment I knew immediately I had to engage with this new one…how could I just let someone like her walk away?....Her juice appeared to be worth the squeeze.

I thought about giving her my card…you case she ever needed tickets for anything else…that's what I would have said rather than just ask her out on the spot....but only cause the guy was hovering.  Anyway, just as I was about to pull a card out of my pocket as she walked away from me…she flipped right back around and told me to take her number down…"You know…in case you change your mind about the tickets."  Cha-ching…I had her number!  Whether or not her real intention was to give me her number to go out, I don’t know, but I’m glad she did what she did….after she walked away I thought, “Fuck!....I just got her number.”

I had thoughts of going into the concert to check up on her and see if I could somehow sneak some time with her away from the guy, but I figured why bother...I never like competing with other guys and I certainly wouldn't want another guy hitting on a girl I was out with, so I respectfully decided against it.

The next afternoon I sexted her.

If you’re still sticking with that guy being your Uncle story then we should go out some time.

To my pleasant surprise she sexted back almost immediately.

We should definitely go out some time.

I've asked a lot of women out and never have I received such an emphatic and enthusiastic yes as I did with this one. For an instant I was on top of the world. If she only knew the smile she put on my face when I received her text.  Surprised? Only to the extent I'm always slightly surprised when someone wants to legitimately go out. Excited? Beyond.  Sure there was no question to anyone observing objectively we hit it off in the 2-3 minutes in which we met and I knew there was some genuine chemistry, but you never know what a girl is really thinking…2 to 3 minutes…that’s all we actually had together…just a passing flicker…yet I felt this immediate connection. We just seemed to click….and she must have felt the same thing….or maybe she’s just one of those girls who says yes to every guy who asks her out…a girl friend of mine told me she had a friend who did such a thing…but this girl would never have time for anything else cause every guy she meets wants to go out with her…that I guarantee…I can’t imagine what it must be like to go through life having everyone you meet wanting to go out with you…straight chicks want to go out with this girl…believe that…she’s that sexy, smart....sassy…and confident….

I decided to play it cool and sit on her response…part of me wanted to just ride out the good feeling I had from her text...not wanting to do anything to ruin the perfection of it. The other part of me wanted to call her immediately.  I didn't want fuck things up so I went with the cool.

I can honestly say this was the only time I've ever intentionally played "the game." I was leaving town the next day for like 6 weeks and I didn’t want to seem too eager to see her cause we would have had to go out that night…and I knew if I called her I would want to do exactly that before I went away. Of course Dave Matthews was playing again that night and we could have gone back together....but I wasn't sure how she'd react to such a sudden I didn’t want to let her know I was leaving for as long as I was, otherwise she might have quickly and easily lost interest.  The beginning phase with any woman is so delicate...we men walk very softly on egg shells around you. And it's because we know how fickle you can be when it comes to what you want and what you like. It's something we struggle with enormously.

Incredibly, I  waited nearly a week to reply to her.  I don't know how I did it. I thought about her all the time, but I was also incredibly busy and seemingly always around people so I never had a solid window in which to call her properly.  I ended up texting her right after another Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band show...most likely because I was feeling as good as I could ever feel.

It would be an understatement to say I’m a huge Bruce fan…the guy and the band just light up my life…and I just can’t get enough.  People say, "How many times do you have to see the guy play?"  And I say, "Why wouldn't want to feel the best you've ever felt as much as you can."  A friend and I use to say to each other if we could find a woman who lights up our lives as much as Bruce does we'd be the happiest guys in the world. Another thing we say about Bruce is that "He never disappoints." 

At any rate, I’m always in a great mood before…and after a show…which is why I’ve also probably had some random hook-up success afterwards…that and the post-show glow I must emit…Come to a show with me. You'll see. And you'll see what I'm saying about Bruce too.

So I took a shot at drunk texting her from Greenville, South Carolina.  Yes I went to Greenville specifically to see Bruce.  Much to my surprise, again, she replied immediately; but only to give me grief about waiting nearly a week to get back to her…great I fucked up…you can’t win with them…pursue them too quickly and you scare them off…wait too long…and they get cold…turns out she’s got quite the sense of humor and was only fucking with me….funny girl…so I was still in the game…but let this be a lesson...the fact I did for all intensive purposes ignore her...that on;y made her want me more. I do not like it, knowing that kind of tactic actually works. It's bullshit and why I don't play games.

Well, she happened to be in Chicago…her hometown…and my favorite city not named New York...and as fate would have it…Bruce would be playing there in a few days…that is some good luck....oooh I thought…maybe I’ll fly up to take her to the show…now that would have been the perfect first date…only she wasn’t a fan…and didn’t seem too enthused bout me coming up to go. Damn. That sucks. Did she have a boyfriend she was visiting?  Had she lost interest?  I didn't bother to ask either. We agreed to talk later. Besides, I was a ‘lil drunk, so probably all for the best….

I called her a couple of days later and she seemed genuinely excited to hear from me…she called me "Scalper Steve"…kinda' funny.....but not to be confused with Scuba Steve.

We must have talked for at least half an hour…while she said she couldn’t exactly remember what I looked like…which was complete the time we met I’m sure she must have thought I was at least cute enough to want to go out with…she did think I was charming, witty, funny...and she seemed to speak exactly what was on her mind and commented how maybe I had met my match with her as she traded matching wits with me…a couple of other things stood out from our phone conversation.

One…she claimed that being a Scorpio, genitalia was her thing…and that she loved sex….not that there’s anything wrong that…ha….Why she felt the need to proclaim her love of sex was beyond me. Who doesn't? And why tell me that? Whatever her calculated reason...and I say calculated because, looking back, it seems everything she did was choreographed...much to her benefit...I did enjoy her directness. It turned me on...and maybe that was her point.  I told her that I was a Libra, so passion and romance were my thing...she liked hearing that…all women do…Libras…we’re very lovable….but she also wanted to know if I was in touch with my feminine side…she kinda’ laughed when she asked me and I think I might have laughed even harder back at her…she had no idea how much…too much probably…for being such the guy’s guy that I am…100% hetero aggressive alpha male…yet very sensitive…emotional…so touch with my feminine side…I tried to calmly claim that she need not worry about that one…but I don’t think she believed me too much…she also wanted to know the last time I cried….sheez…what’s with this girl?...I think I teared a ‘lil from the last Californication episode I watched…well…maybe not THE last one…but one of them I think I did….no I didn’t tell her that…I don’t know what I said…maybe I mentioned I cried like a baby when my dog died…I did…a lot…that’s always a good one to go to.

The conversation eventually turned professional…what I did besides tickets…the writing thing seemed to peak her interest even more now and I went on about being a whore to whoever would hire me…and yadda yadda…she’s letting me go on and on like I’m talking to someone not in the business and then she says "I do the same thing…" I’d later find out from her website she’s also an actress…yet she intentionally failed to mention she was also an actress when we spoke…guess she didn’t want to present herself that way…she made me think she was more of the writer, thinking type over the typical flaky crazy Hollywood actress type…which is exactly what I thought until…well…you’ll have to keep reading…so I asked for her email cause I didn’t want to take the chance of her changing her number or some shit and then I’d never be able to get in touch with her again…I never thought of getting her last name or googling her or anything like that until she gave up the email and it was @ a dot com…so naturally I had to look it up and well let’s just say, I was not unimpressed….I read through the entire site and saw a funny note she had left about being a thumb war champion as part of her “special skills”…of all the things she had on her site from sexy photos, Film/TV credits, clips…this was the thing that stood out most to me….buried at the bottom…so not everyone would see, but for those who did notice it like me, it meant something. It meant a lot to me.  It meant she was playful…fun…didn’t take herself too seriously….someone you wanted to be around…at least that what I took from it…

I prefer the little things in life to the bigger ones…maybe I just appreciate them more…it’s sometimes the simplest of gestures or happenings that mean the most…and this little thumb war anecdote seemed to be just the thing to hook me…when it comes to women I’m extremely discriminating, picky…all my friends think I’m too picky…but what’s curious about what I like is that it’s not in a high-maintenance way like I need all these things in a woman to like her…quite the opposite…I may be a complex man, but a man whose needs are extraordinarily simple….and all I might need is a self-proclaimed thumb war champ…and a simple smile…and hers was majestic…angelic…so bright…warm…and inviting…she could solve a lot of the world’s problems with that smile.

I felt so good about our phone conversation that I probably fell in love with her from it...not that I wasn't completely crazy about her after our initial brief meeting...but the way she talked to me...I just felt something different about her.  And different in a good way.  I knew we’d be seeing each other when I got back to LA if I didn’t fly her to see me sooner.  I was headed to NYC for a couple of weeks for more Bruce shows and besides that...there’s no better place to date than in NY…I lived there for like 5 years before moving to LA…and miss it…a lot…there’s such a different vibe and energy…the city’s more alive…more authentic…more romantic…I was going to be in NY on my a Bruce show…and I thought how nice a gift she would be if she were to fly in for our first date…I never told her that though….not that I feel anything I could have done or did do affected the eventual outcome of this extraordinarily twisted, all too real of a tale.

The next week I texted again to say Hi and got the first of several shocking replies from her...

Hey Steve...I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you but some guy I’ve been dating says he wants to get serious so I want to see where it goes for now. Just wanted to be honest with you. Definitely keep in touch.

WTF?! I was completely crushed by the text.  I went from having virtually no interest in dating any woman to thinking seriously about trying to be serious with this one.  I sounds bizarre but when a guy meets a woman he's really into...there's never any second guessing...we're on it.

More so than my extreme disappointment, her text makes no sense on several levels. Two weeks ago she said she definitely wanted to go out with me. Now, she’s in such a serious relationship she can’t go out with me?! And I know it wasn’t that guy from the "Dave" concert…so that means 2 weeks ago she was already on a date with someone else…clearly she was not all that happy in her current relationship with Mr. Serious. if she could go with someone to see her favorite band.

And as far as Mr. Serious goes…he’s obviously an idiot…they must have been dating for some time before he made this big proclamation…what the hell took him so long?....even though I only knew her for 3 minutes in person…a few texts and one 30-minute conversation on the phone, if you’re any kind of man you wouldn’t need any time to wonder if you wanted to be serious with this girl.  

OK maybe that's a slight exaggeration on my part...but if she had to wait for meant he was either playing her, kind of like I waited the week to text her....which makes him an asshole....and yes I'm calling myself an asshole for doing what I did.....OR

Some other girl he was seeing at the same time stopped fucking him and he wanted to start fucking my girl or he’s not really that into her, but still doesn’t want to lose her…either way…he’s still an idiot…and she’d later confirm that for me…sort of…but really…all Mr. Serious makes me think about is Mr. McEnroe…the OG Serious.

So now what the hell was I going to do?  I wasn’t just going to give up that easy.  Could I?  Should I?

To be continued......

Sunday, March 4, 2012

What Men Believe In...

Kevin Costner, as "Crash Davis" in the film Bull Durham, delivers one helluva' manifesto on behalf of all men. Although some of us prefer bourbon to scotch....potato puhtahto.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Courage, Honesty & Truth

Besides the obvious connection and attraction, I think we'd all agree communication is the key to any healthy relationship. Why then do we make it so difficult to properly communicate with one another?

The answer is simple. Fear. We're scared of the truth. We lack the courage to be honest with others in how we're feeling because we're worried of the consequences or how we're going to be perceived or judged. Never mind that something is bothering us, we'd just as soon not talk about it so we don't have to deal with it.

I'm having a problem right now in communicating with a woman who liked me, but now is questioning her judgement because of a lack of trust based upon an incorrect assumption her part. Yet, she refuses to confront me about it because she still needs "time." She's scared of discovering the truth. The truth is she is wrong in how she now feels. The truth is that her initial perception of me was actually correct and that kind of feeling or connection she had with me now scares her. It's easier for her to believe I am just another guy who "betrayed" her. For her to take a leap of faith that I'm not, terrifies her.

I hear women over and over telling me they don't want to appear "needy" by expressing their feelings to their man. That is nothing but a gutless cop out. No man is going to be mad or look down on you for communicating with him in this way when something is troubling you. We want to know what's going on in your head. Always. How else can we help you? Men are problem solvers. Yes...I know..we're also problem causers. But mostly we are fixers. Talk to us. Tell us how we can help. We want to be there for you. And any guy who doesn't want to be, you shouldn't waste your time with. 

Being "needy" is always needing something like wanting to know where we are or when we're coming home or asking us to do a million chores over and over and over....Needy and Nagging going hand in hand. Communicating with us in an open and honest way shows us you care. More good than harm will come from it. Don't be afraid of your feelings. Nothing angers a man more than hiding your feelings from us. We're more like you than you give us credit for.

However, by far and away the worst thing you can do is be dishonest with yourself. Too much concern is spent on internalizing your feelings and taking time to "process."  Learn to trust your heart and your instincts more. Forget what you're head is telling you or what your girlfriends are saying.  And stop trying to figure out what things mean. Just ask us. Men love answering questions. It makes us feel smart...and useful.

I've had so many women tell me they need time to think about things or understand what's going on. Either you like us or you don't? What's there to figure it out? Stop making things so complicated. The only questions you should be asking yourself when it comes to relationships are "Do I enjoy being with him? And do I enjoy talking with and listening to him?" Beyond that...nothing else matters. Well except the sex....right? That matters. That's what you always, if it matters so much...get to it. Get to the sex and see how it is. Enough with these 3rd date sex dates or 90-day rules.

A close girl friend recently told me how she's frustrated with her boyfriend because he's inconsistent with his emotions toward her. He only gets emotional with her when he's drunk. But then she quickly chirps, "But it's so silly. It's such not a big deal."  So I said to her, "If you're telling me this, then it's clearly bothering you. You need to talk to him about it." And then she says "Yeah, but I don't want to seem needy." Now that is just being silly right?  

If what she needs is some consistent sober reinforcement from her man then she has a right to ask for it. Then she tries to justify her need by claiming the reason she wants him to be more emotional is because she has a guy on the side who is exactly like that. OK. Wait a second. Yes, she's kid of two-timing here, and she gets no pass for that....however, I told her the "other" guy's behavior is not why you're not satisfied with the inconsistency from Boy Toy #1.  Even without Boy Toy #2 in the picture you would still want more emotion from Boy Toy #1. That's part of the reason why she got divorced from Husband emotional connection. So, clearly, she's not being honest with herself in what she needs from a man and she's not being honest with the man she's now trying to date. For the record...I told her to end it with Boy Toy #2 if she's serious about making it work with #1...and she is because Boy Toy #2 is an out of town specialist who yes makes her body tingle all over like no man ever has but there's too many complications that prevent either one  of them from moving to the other's city to try and make it work for real. She's got herself a mess of a situation.

Another example of a severe lack of courage comes via my Brother. He was talking to a happily married couple about texting immediately after a date or the very next day. The wife was terrified of it. She said "Oh my God! I couldn't tell someone how much fun I had or that I couldn't wait to see him again. I don't want to scare him off."  Trust me and every other man out there...your text is not the reason we're rejecting you. I've been there. A text from a woman after a great date makes us feel like we're on top of the world.  It only makes us want to see you more. Not less.  

Still don't believe me? My brother asked the husband in front of his now wife how he would feel about getting a text from her that same night after a date when they were still dating. He said "I would have loved it. Are you kidding?" Even with that information the wife still says she couldn't do it. Wow. Talk about the Lion in the Wizard of Oz.

If we like cannot turn us off with too much affection or interest. We're not like women...who need time and space to process or to feel like you have something else going on other than us. If we like you we don't want you to have anything else going on! When can I see you again? That's it. That's all we want to know. I'm incredibly perplexed why women have the need to retreat once chemistry and a mutual admiration have been established. So you're afraid of getting hurt? Grow up. Why would you wait if you like someone? Why would you make him wait? To be sure? Maybe...but you're never going to be sure based on time. 

Time doesn't tell you anything except when happy hour starts.  Like I said before. Get to it. Life's too short and valuable to waste on running from the truth. Before you can be honest with someone else you need to start being honest with yourself. Be more courageous. The truth will set you free and find your love.