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Friday, December 30, 2011

Make Up, Hair and other Artificial Additives

Less is More.

We prefer your natural beauty. And what you'll look like when we wake up next to you.

Bold Red Lipstick. Got to go. Your lips should always entice us to want to kiss you. Not turn away. Let Hollywood play up the Big Red. I've never heard a man talk about how he can't wait to taste all that thick rich red. 

The jury is split on fake breasts. About half of us like 'em. The other half don't. The ones who don't will complain how fake ones feel or argue there's something negative about a woman's personality and insecurities. Others just go with the notion, if they feel and look good who cares if they're real or not. It's really a toss-up here.

Coloring your Hair? Most men like the one God chose for you. And that's cause we you tend to look better with your natural color....there's a reason why your hair is the color that it is. It goes best with your eyes, skin tone, etc.  Now I know it's fun for women to change it up or whatever. And while it plays well with girlfriends or in photos we'd prefer the carpet to match the drapes.

Short or long Hair?  Our grandmothers keep their hair short....if that helps.

Fake eye lashes?  No man likes. To us, the lashes just look cheap and strange, not sexy and glamorous.  More hookerish. Yes, Kim Kardashian, you're fake lashes make you look like a hooker. Albeit a high priced one.

Hair extensions. While you're focused on how your hair "looks"...we...men are focused on how it feels when we run our hands through it while we're kissing/holding/fucking you. That's the real reason why beautiful hair matters to guys....it's a turn on to hold, touch and yes, pull your hair. There's nothing worse then holding the back of your girl's head and feeling those sewn in extensions....and that's coming from personal experience.  Have you ever seen Chris Rock's documentary, "Good Hair"? He has black men talking about the reason they like white women so much is cause white women will let you play with their hair whereas a black woman won't cause she's got that expensive weave or extensions. So to all the white women out there. Be true to your hair.


Hair. Keep it real.

Monday, December 26, 2011

"I think like a guy."

I meet a lot of women who try and tell me they think like guys. Usually meaning...they tend to look at and treat sex much in the same way as they think men do....casually.  One woman even went so far as to tell me she thought it was OK to step outside your relationship if it meant only to validate or lift your spirit. I told her that line of thinking has nothing to do with how a man thinks. Whatever ego boost we need is more likely to come from someone we're involved with...otherwise...we no longer would be interested in being with you. If we step outside a relationship it's because we're just horny and want something new...not because we're looking for "validation" from another party...that sounds more like an insecure female looking to find out if she's still hot. 

So then, what does it take to actually think like man?

For starters...nearly every man's thought is consumed by a woman he likes or is involved with. Our thoughts even include women we haven't  met yet. Nearly everything we do is done with the intent of making a woman smile at us and ultimately, like us.  In other words, women are always on our minds. You want to think like a man, then start thinking about us all the time...not just when you "feel" like it. We can be completely  immersed in our work or in conversation and if a beautiful woman enters our line of sight, even our peripheral vision, we will stop and take notice.We are always available, and most certainly, willing to look. Once, I was walking and talking down the street with a female friend when a man passed us by. I noticed him check my friend out as he went by, which she completely missed out on. I asked her, "Did you just see him check you out?" And she replied, "What? Huh? Who?" I couldn't believe it. She had no idea because she was so focused on our conversation.  Maybe men are just better multi-taskers.

In addition, most men will do whatever takes it to get with a woman he likes....there is no defeating us. We will pursue pursue pursue until we break you. I just met a guy who's after a girl friend of mine and she told me that she has no interest in him and even told this guy she has no interest. And you know what he said to her? "I don't care. I'm so in love with you I'm going to wear you down and make you fall in love with me." Now while I don't agree with his seemingly blinded pursuit of her I do admire his relentless tenacity. And that's exactly how many guys think. We'll write you love poems, make mix tapes, send you flowers...anything and everything we can to earn your affections.  Do women who think they act like guys have this kind of conviction and staying power when it comes to pursuing a man?

Next time you think you think like a man try asking yourself how much time, energy and effort you're willing to put in for that man.  Until you do that, along with noticing everything about a man...and start having conversations like this...only then are you beginning to think like a man.

video

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Do guys have any "Rules" when it comes to dating?

Not many. And that's part of our problem. Or is it?  We don't care what you do for a living, where you're from or how you spell your name.  If we're physically attracted to you and we like your personality, you're in there. Sure we want to be able to talk to you...have intelligence, passion, ambition...along with all of the other traditional universally acclaimed traits.  But specific check marks or requirements to dating? No. Once again...we (men) are simple creatures with simple needs.

On the other hand, many women have too many rules. Less rules. More love. Too many superficial dating rules exist, ones that have nothing to do with who he is as a person....which should be the only requirement that matters in dating. But we all know it's not.  And you wonder why so many relationships end? Many women tend to focus more on what they think they need, then what actually makes them happy. What makes you happy? What do we do for a living? What kind of car we drive? How much we make? become just as important as Do we make you laugh? Do we value you? 

I ask woman some of their rules as part of my 20 Questions documentary.  One told me, she would absolutely not date a guy who wore Sketchers brand shoes. Huh? What's that? Another said, "No" to guys who wear dress shoes with jeans.  I guess shoes are  that big of a deal, huh?  But why? Do shoes really make the man? Another would only meet for drinks on a first date and never a meal. Another maintains a "90-day" rule; although she apparently seems to bend this one from time to time. I think she just likes having it for the sake of saying it rather than following it. And finally one told me, "I need your car to be clean enough to want to have sex in."  I can't argue that rule.

Recently, I overheard a conversation between two women walking through Runyan Canyon (the Hollywood gossip trail) where one claimed as she was happy with her new boyfriend's family and how she learned her lesson from the guy before and his family and how she could never date a guy with a crazy family.  But she also mentioned that as she gets older her list of rules are getting smaller and smaller. Not that she's becoming less picky...that's not what it means. She was trying to say rules don't seems as important as they use to be. 

Substance over style.

Maybe guys don't bother to make these kind of lists because we inherently  understand more what makes us happy. We know what we want is not found in your purse or on your resume or in your family. The only thing that matters to us is how you look at us and what's in your heart.

A friend of mine prefers women in high-heeled shoes....that may be more of a fetish/preference than actual rule. However, we got to talking about women and their shoes...and we both agreed...flip flops got to go. Unless you're at the beach or the pool...wear some shoes...flip flops just say "I'm dirty and I don't care."

OK. So no water...no flip flops.  The only other real rule we have is that you say "Yes"  when we ask you if you like us.

Unless you believe what you see in TV & Film, as I do, then maybe we have 3 additional requirements.
  1. Unlock our car door (Bronx Tale)  

     2.  Have nice feet (Boomerang)


      3.  And please, please don't eat your peas one pea at a time
           (Seinfeld)
           (still looking for the clip)

On the food note...I will add some guys look at a woman unfavorably as to what and how they order food.

I dated a woman who always ordered Chardonnay. ALWAYS. Lunch. Dinner. Mexican. Japanese. Italian. Chardonnay.  The same woman was also obsessed with sides of Salsa and Parmesan cheese. Excessive amounts of Salsa and Parmesan.  Any man would have been troubled by it.

A guy once told me a woman should always order a salad or something less expensive on a first date. Never go for the steak on a first date. I jokingly asked if he took her to a steak house?  He was saying it was an act of entitlement if a woman orders "anything" off the menu...I thought that was bit rough, but I understand where he's coming from. No matter how much or how little money a guy makes he doesn't want to feel like he's being taken financial advantage of by a woman. At least for a first date, bear this in mind.

So food and feet aside, just be cool...and be hot. Those are our only rules that actually matter.

    Wednesday, December 14, 2011

    Tougher Than the Rest

    All of us like to think, or at least portray, we are strong willed, tough minded and capable of overcoming adversity.  Never show fear or weakness. Be tougher than the rest.

    The reality is we all struggle with the same insecurities and emotional issues. When you've been hurt, as most of us have at some point, including myself...eventually, we turn inward to build various walls that protect us from further damage. But how effective really is this mental Teflon?

    Sometimes, it's just easier to fake it.

    In addition to this blog, I'm in the middle of producing a documentary called 20 Questions where I'm asking 20 women ranging in ages and backgrounds the same 20 Questions about men, love and dating. The idea behind the film is to get women to open up, show some vulnerability and ultimately, express the truth, not just about their feelings toward men, but on how they feel about themselves. The questions themselves reflect what all men think and talk about when it comes to women. In effect, I want the 20 questions to reveal as much about men as the different answers from the 20 women do.

    Last week I asked a bartender to do it....in part, because she's beautiful and naturally receives a lot of attention from men...but also, as I sat there watching her work, while trying to talk with her, I found myself slightly intoxicated in ways I haven't been in some time...and not from anything I was drinking, but from her and how she spoke to me. How a woman talks to me is as big a turn-on as how she looks. The more time passed the more intrigued I became with her personality.  I wanted to know where the "real" her and the artificial front she more often portrayed started and ended.

    Her defenses rose almost immediately as I approached her with the idea for the 20 Questions...skeptical about my real intentions behind such a request and even more disenchanted with my qualifications to write this blog...which I chose to tell her about as well. If you've read any other entries in this blog you're well aware full disclosure is not one of my problems. As for her qualification question. I told her, like I tell every woman, I'm a man. And while I'm not claiming to speak for all men, as a man, I'm fairly confident I understand men more so than women do. No matter how close you, as a woman, are to your male friends and no matter how much you think they share with you there are some things only men say to one another. And I'm sure it works the same amongst women. Not to mention, regardless of  the degree to which other men agree or disagree with my thoughts...one thought is indisputable....we (men) all engage in a common pursuit: Women. And that, above all else, are the ties that bind us.

    It was amazing to see this cool as ice woman slowly relax, engage and seemingly, warm up to me. Even if it was only a slight crack in her window, the glimpses of sweetness she offered was enough to stoke my interest further. She made it easy to love her charming vulnerability, yet at the same time, her tough as nails balls up exterior made you want to punch her in the face. It was a similar feeling that probably entered Mia's mind right before she punched Hank in the face. While Hank and Mia are merely fictional characters from my favorite show Californication it's a show that everyone should watch....everyone who cares about love that is. While I do admit to thinking about the punching....credit must actually go to my buddy who let the words spew from his crass mouth. Of course, he meant it as a joke and she laughed it off as such while she admitted, "I've heard that before."

    What was clear was that she had been hurt or seriously disappointed by someone (just like Mia) and now seemed to be pretty much fed up with how men act. She proclaimed them (us) to be "pussies". Her words, not mine. I can't say I disagree with her on that one. Most men are pussies, especially in LA.  She went on about not enjoying always having to be in control and certainly it seems that's something she seldom allows herself to relinquish even though she claims to not want it.  That's her inner battle.  Nevertheless, her "real" man continues to evade her.

    By the end of the night we were still laughing off some playful banter, even making up some dirty limericks. My buddy was convinced she was into me, but I wasn't as sure, and chose to keep it all about my blog and my 20 Questions.

    A few days went by and I couldn't get her out of my head. Admittedly, I was curious to hear her thoughts on my blog and, if she, would in fact, do the 20 Questions. This time I went in solo.

    Her reaction was...I'm not exactly sure how to even describe it..  At first she appeared slightly enthused to see me...although that's not even entirely accurate....but after greeting me she went on a break without mentioning it and I thought maybe I had scared her off, or worse, she had been totally turned off by the blog. The only reason I came in to the bar in the first place was to hang out with her and get to know her a little more. Unfortunately it was super busy and she just left me sitting there high and dry sipping on my drink, feeling like a half an idiot waiting on her return. This was not a good start.

    A good 15 minutes later she blew back in with a cool breeze.  She claimed she didn't really like the tone of the blog nor did she agree too much with what I had to say on how men thought. She's got 3 brothers and a lot of male friends.  She also thought it was a bit much in terms of my personal details and gratuitous nature..."over-sexed" is what she said; which in some parts, I readily admit, of course it is! That's the point! Be bold. Be honest. Sex drives men. Not necessarily this man...but 95% of us out there.  Yes. I write about it because that's what consumes men and that's what this blog is about...what consumes men.  For me, it just no longer affects me like it use to. Partly because I've made a conscious effort to focus less on it.  Make no mistake, sex continues to drive other men for reasons I've discussed in a previous entry that explain the reasons why....reasons that have very little do with sex. The irony is that something I'm trying to avoid is now directly in front of me by my own choosing...and the reason is obvious...I find myself incredibly attracted to her.

    However, the bigger question is does she find me attractive? Cause if she doesn't I'm done. If she's just trying to figure me out, that's cool. But, I'm not one of those guys that sticks around and waits for the girl to suddenly become attracted to me. It's either there or it isn't. I've had plenty of women tell me they never initially found their current boyfriend or husband physically attractive and then one day, unexpectedly their switch got turned on for them.  Sorry, nice to meet you. Not for me.

    Back to the bar. So, I hung in there and eventually we talked a little more and again she warmed up once again as time went by. She's not an easy fish to fry. Our exchanges and conversation kind of reminded me of the ones between Sienna Miller and Steve Buschemi in the 2007 film Interview, a film that showcases two people's quest to mask the truth from one another through deviant flirtation and manipulation over the course of a single evening, most of which took place in Sienna's character's apartment. Buschemi played a journalist who was to interview Miller's character for one of those celebrity puff pieces. The constant push and pull between the characters leaves the viewer never quite what sure what to believe.  I wish I had seen this film before my 2nd encounter with the bartender.  Instead, I happened to catch it the very next night. More irony.

    Because of this never ending tug of war we seemed to be playing, I suggested we start the evening over. She seemed appropriately confused by that request, but I persisted.  As sincerely as I could, making sure not to break eye contact, I said, "You look very nice tonight." Which she did...extremely so...not that she didn't look extra nice when we first met a few nights back too. Her hair was different....down tonight...instead of the ponytail the other time. She may have been wearing more make up as well....whatever the case...she still looked hot.

    In between our brief flirtatious exchanges I befriended the couple next to me. They were in fact having some relationship discussions as well. I told them about the blog, the 20 Questions...and of course my budding fascination with the bartender. I kind of acted up the "I wasn't really getting anywhere" part and how her heart could use a scarf. Lol. She came over and I repeated the scarf line for her...she laughed out loud. While this cat and mouse, back and forth thing we had going on passed the time...I'm not sure what, if anything, it was accomplishing, other than getting me nowhere. I thought about just telling her enough fooling around and that I wanted her number...but it just didn't feel right...and not that I was waiting for any green light go signal from her....that didn't matter....I guess I felt she wasn't quite getting me in the way I wanted her to..or that she should. I'm not the easiest guy in the world to figure out so maybe I should give her a break.

    As candid and provocative as I write...and think...I'm also sincere and sensitive...and enjoy walking along holding hands and having a great conversation as much as I do throwing you against the wall and tearing your clothes off.  She'd probably be more surprised to know I love Fabulous Baker Boys and Definitely, Maybe, two of my favorite matters of the heart movies. And I can't wait to see the new Muppetts flick...so how's that for some more enigmatic assertions?

    I caught another girl who was drinking about half way down the bar lean into her while they both glanced down to me and ask curiously, "What's the deal with the guy at the end of the bar?"  I saw her look at me a couple of times when I was talking with the bartender so she was clearly paying attention to us. I had her busted and made sure to let them both know I heard. My bartender came back to tell me that she told her she didn't know what my deal was...that she didn't know me and was still trying to figure it, me, all out. She said she wanted to be honest with me.

    I told her I wanted her to tell me what was the most interesting thing about her. She laughed and said something to the effect of I'm not telling...ooops, back up went the wall. The girl next to me overheard and said her "thing" was sexual and that's why she wasn't saying....and I thought she just wanted us to think that...but this girl was pretty insistent on it...which only made me think...Why then am I the one being called out in my blog for being overly sexual?! Double standard here? Hmmmmm. Maybe.

    Look. Just because I may or may not want rip her clothes off doesn't mean I can't also be a respectful gentlemen about it.

    A couple of years ago I was going through some issues with a woman who I had the kind of connection with most people only dream about, let alone, actually experience. I shared a lot of the details with a friend of mine and how it was affecting me and he commented  how he couldn't believe how much I was willing to expose to him, let alone potentially share with this woman...and I asked him "What? You don't think like that too?" And he said "Of course I do! But I'm keeping that stuff to myself!"

    I can totally hear this friend in my head screaming at me now, "She's a bartender! What do you expect?! Give it up!"

    This blog is all about truth and honesty because that's the singular foundation for any relationship. In life you can't be afraid to tear down your wall. The thicker the wall you put up the harder it is to reach what beats heavily on the other side. And we already know a blocked heart is very unhealthy. What we don't think about is that an unreachable heart is also an unhappy one.

    When I signaled her to close my tab I motioned "cut it" across my neck and she quickly replied, "What you want me to to slash your throat?" Funny. I still wasn't sure where I was leaving things with her...and then...unexpectedly she cracked open her window once again. She called my name and then asked for my Sign. When I made her go fishing for it she seemed certain I was a sign that I wasn't. I think she was prepared to name every sign in the Zodiac except mine.  When I told her I was a Libra she seemed even more shocked and confused. She's a Pisces. I joked about our astrological compatibility which I knew nothing about at the time, but I knew she knew everything about.  I really had no idea...until I went home and looked it up. Apparently we couldn't be more compatible in love, romance, relationship and friendship.  Extremely so actually.  Ha. Guess I got the last laugh. Now she's really got something to think about.

    She thought she had me figured out...but, now she doesn't. And that was never my intention...to mislead or confuse her. She just doesn't trust who I am....yet.

    Bottom line.

    Emotional toughness is not measured by how much you keep out, but rather, how much you let in.

    After the Zodaic inquiry I felt a little better about my prospects. I want to get to know her more...and need to do so outside the bar.  And I want her to get to know me more. The count is still 0-and-2, but at least I had a couple of good swings and just fouled off the pitches. I still got another strike to play with.

    In honor of the man who inspired this post...as this song just happened to be playing on Sirius when I first flipped open my laptop to start writing this entry (trust me, it was)....Here's Bruce Springsteen's "Tougher Than the Rest."

    Thursday, December 8, 2011

    Blue Balls, Shrinkage and Morning Wood

    Much like what Seinfeld did for "Shrinkage" I hope to do for "Blue Balls."  So I ask, do women know about "Blue Balls?"

    Blue Balls is not a myth...it is real. It refers to the discomfort men get from getting a repeated hard-on without being to cum.  While our balls do not literally turn "blue" and the discomfort can be anywhere from mild to extreme, as if we just got punched down there, it mostly affects teenage and early 20-something men. The "repeated" hard-on is one that goes up and down as a result multiple stops and starts....without finishing. We've all been there...and felt it.

    I once had it so bad I literally had trouble catching my breath and could not sit still. The worst part is there is no real cure for it. You can apply ice or take a cold shower, but ultimately all you need is time to recover and be pain free.  By the time blue balls sets in, the option to cum for relief is almost too late...it's weird. Luckily, we eventually grow out of this unfortunate biological issue.

    So why I am sharing this piece of male insight? I'm just making women aware of how sexually driven and misfit we are...I'm not saying you should always "take care of us" so we don't get blue balls because, in the end, you should only do what makes you comfortable. You have the knowledge now, so use it as you see fit.

    One thing that still happens on occasion to some men of any age after he cums is a post blue balls effect. Sometimes our balls ache even after we cum. I read in a medical article that this is not that uncommon. And if you ache you probably can't get hard again until the ache goes away.  Again, there's no real solution other than time.

    On a related topic to Blue Balls is our good morning hard-ons. All normal men wake up with a hard-on...and it doesn't seem to matter whether we wake up in the middle of the night or when the alarm goes off...we have one. But curiously, Morning Wood does not lead to Blue Balls....which makes me think we must be hard the entire time we're comfortably sleeping...not going up and down through the night....which also means sex is always on a man's mind. ALWAYS....just in case you ladies need reminding.

    And here's the Seinfeld "shrinkage" scene for all you Seinfeld fans.

    Monday, December 5, 2011

    Stop rewarding men who play it "cool"

    Ladies, you know exactly what I'm talking about. All men know what I'm talking about for sure. There's a perception among men that if they show too much interest in a woman then she will be less attracted to him. It's why men wait a certain reasonable amount of time before calling or texting. It's why men tend to "hide" their emotions from women. Like they said in the film Swingers "You don't want to scare off a beautiful baby."

    While many women will scoff at this idea as juvenile or immature there are just as many out there who lend credence to this disturbing line of thinking. And I do mean "disturbing" because what a lot of women are doing is actually encouraging a cool, non-caring, indifferent approach by continuing to reward men for such aloofness. Often being mysterious is confused for just being what the guy is....an asshole.

    A semi-famous female friend of mine gave this interview to a magazine.

    I am not interested in a man that is putty in my hands. Why not? Oh God no, who wants that? I mean, would you want a girl that is like, "Oh my God, you are so good looking. You are so great. You are the greatest thing since sliced bread. I can't wait to go out with you again." Ultimately people—women—want an element of challenge. Who wants to be with someone who is putty in their hand? Who wants that? I'll get a lap dog. Who wants that?
    So you would like a man who is more in control, who...You want somebody who is on your level, who is your equal. Or if not your equal, then darn close. To be complimented, to be admired, or to be adored by your boyfriend, it is wonderful, it is lovely, but to say putty in my hands...I don't want to have all of the control. That's not sexy to me. That is when a man becomes unattractive. You know, when he hands me his scrotum and says, 'Here, take my balls and put them in your purse.' That is not sexy to me.
    Do you think men feel the same way, or do we like lap dogs?For men it is the same. If you have your choice between two girls, say you start dating two girls at the same time, and you like them both about the same. And one of them returns your phone call when it is convenient for her, and likes to see you, and is interested in seeing you, but is not foaming at the mouth. And the other one calls you three times a day and, you know, twice after the date just to tell you what a good time she had. And she asks you when can you go out again and tells you that you are the cutest guy she has ever been out with. Honestly, you are innately going to be attracted to the girl who is a little bit cooler. You might think there is something wrong with somebody who is so over the top.

    For men...it's not the same...at all. "You might think there is something wrong with somebody who is so over the top."  Why do women automatically think there is something wrong with a guy who's not afraid to show affection immediately?  I believe many women are so insecure with very little self-confidence they simply can't understand why a guy would like them as much as they do...especially, if they barely know each other. This is absolutely the case with my friend above. Her thought process seems to be a subconscious method of self sabotage. She won't allow herself to be attracted to someone who treats her right and adores her....why? Because she is not completely happy with herself..so she needs to feel challenged a bit so she can "prove herself" worthy to a man. And that probably best explains why women do not handle extreme admiration and affection from a man well. On the other hand, believe it or not...men just want to receive love from women...we're not into questioning your motives. And if we like you, no excess amounts of love is going to spoil it.

    And on the topic of questioning love, it's especially intriguing as to why women dig the "bad boy".....I guess there's a gena-say-qua about the "I don't give a shit attitude."

    video

    Of course this video is funny because we know George is "full of shit" and completely flipping out on the inside that Anna digs him...and how much he likes her....but we're also aware this is the kind of shit that works with women. And you ladies wonder why men aren't more "honest". We're not honest because we know you reward dishonest behavior!

    As for how men perceive admiration......No man I know is going to be turned off by a woman he likes just because she told him how wonderful he is and how she can't wait to see him again. The last time I was completely smitten with a woman she texted me right after I left her place and before I even got home that night telling me what an incredible time she had and couldn't wait to see me again. And this was after our first date!  That text made me feel on top of the world. The thought of "something must be wrong" with her never even entered my mind. You know what did?....That I just hit the fucking lottery that this chick was that into me.

    A married guy friend of mine, who happened to be holding his wife's cell phone, showed off her screensaver which was a photo of the two of them together. He described the photo as the most beautiful women in the world and some schlub. He was like "Look at me. In this stupid hoody and silly expression next to this smiling princess. How can she be with me? I even asked her about this photo and she was like, 'It's cute.  How can this photo be cute to you?'" He laughed it off to us as he shared the story. He went on to say, "And as hot as she is...she's even cooler. And I felt this way as soon as I met her too.  I'm the luckiest guy ever."  

    Note...this guy has no problems getting women...and he's a pretty good looking dude too...there's nothing "wrong" with him...yet he still had this humble attitude about how lucky he was to be with his now wife.  When I asked him if he was able to play it "cool" with her and he said "I tried, but after a week I couldn't take it anymore and had to come clean. I was nuts." He went on to say that if he had played the cool card some other dude would be married to her today. What it took was real nuts for my boy to not "be cool" and lucky for him, his woman appreciated it. And I'm sure part of the reason he married her was because he quickly found out she was indeed a rare emerald in a city filled with cold stones. She's a woman who rewards guys for doing the right thing.

    Perhaps there's another reason as to why many women are so uncomfortable if they think a guy is feeling a little  too lucky to be with her. Besides a woman's overall lack of confidence and self awareness maybe it has something to do with not wanting the pressure of living up this ideal. As in "OMG! This guy likes me so much I can't possibly measure up to his perception of me. I'm only going to disappoint him."  If this is the case, it's not your problem...that is ours. And as such, men also perpetually remind each other, "Do not put the pussy on the pedestal." In other words, our fantasy image of you is not necessarily the reality. And unfortunately, I've learned this lesson many times.

    Worship vs Admiration is a fine line....Of course, no one wants to be silly putty. I agree with my friend that trait, by nature, can be inherently unattractive. No one wants to be or feel like a complete lush.  However, we all know what it's like to melt in someone's presence. And maybe we all fight against it because then we're giving up all our control and "hand." We're exposed and not protected.  And once you do that, how do you retain your mysterious sex appeal?  

    When it comes to sports there's an expression, "Act like you've been there before."  This refers to celebrating after a TouchDown in football or a big play. It's meant to be a way to be humble or like it's not that big of a deal I just did that. But acting like you've been there with woman and not being overly excited which is what we're talking about then how special of a connection can it be? When it comes to love, acting like you've "been there" probably means you don't value your connection. I would hate for a chick to act like she's been there with me. When she kisses me or fucks me I want to think she's NEVER been there...lol.

    Another woman I know talks about the "creep factor" of a guy who shows an over-the-top interest in her. Ironically, she's dating a guy now who she's nuts about but complains she can't figure him out cause one day he's all hot 'n heavy for her and then the next, complete silence. Clearly, he's playing the game with her and she's still rewarding him for it. She's questioning the exact behavior she claims to find creepy. What she should do is open her own heart, tell him how she feels and assure him that if really likes her he doesn't need to continue to be "mysterious" about it. But if only wants to keep on fucking her and nothing more...that's still OK too. Which I know she'd accept as well. She's quite the horny chick.
    But I still maintain.....Love melts even the coldest and hardest of hearts.

    Women need to understand that women drive men nuts far beyond any normal level of comprehension.  And any man who's not acting nuts and playing it "cool" is either:

    A. Full of shit
    or
    B. Not that into you.

    So my question is "Why would you want to be with either?"

    What you're telling me is that you'd rather be a with a dooshbag who doesn't fully appreciate being with you because "he's been there before" or you're no "big deal" because he's had hotter women than you. That's the type of man you'd rather be with? Guess what? That's also the type of man who will cheat on you. And that woman who gave that interview I posted above...every man she's ever cared about has cheated on her. 

    The greatest gift one can give another is to surrender to their only absolute truth....love  If you truly want to find happiness and love with a man then you should spend more time listening to your heart and less time to trying to figure things out with your head.

    Thursday, December 1, 2011

    How do I know if he really likes me?

    This a common question asked by women all the time. And like most things when it comes to men the answer is simple.

    And before I reveal the like "test" here's something surprising.  "Like" has nothing to do with "how long" a guy is willing to wait to have sex with you. Just because a guy waits an extra amount of time to sleep with you could mean he really likes you or could just mean he's fucking someone else or perhaps, he's got no one else. Even though you think sex is all we care about when it comes to "liking" you, sex actually has very little to do with how we feel about you.

    Here's the answer.  If he asks you to do something that he knows you, and you alone enjoy, then he likes you.  Or better yet, you should ask him do something with you he'd never willingly do alone. If he accepts with pleasure and an enthusiastic smile on his face then you know he likes you. When I think about the women I've liked a lot I know there's nothing they could ask me to do that I wouldn't do just so I could be with them.

    Also...if he's eager for you to meet his buddies or a family member...he likes you. Often guys hold back on doing this because because they're scared you'll think they're moving too fast too soon so they wait to unveil you....this has nothing to do with their "like" for you...just with how much of a pussy they are or are not. Just because he hasn't brought you around yet doesn't mean he's not into you.  However, anyone who offers to do so sooner rather than later...there's no doubt he likes you.

    Here's one other sure fire check mark.  If he asks you to a Bruce Springsteen concert (well that would be for me) or shares a favorite song or lyric with you, he likes you. The Boss may not be everyone's cup of tea, but every man identifies with his lyrics about pursuing women, chasing love and following dreams. 

    And a mix tape? Never too old to receive one of those. Double Check. He really likes you. A lot. 

    Here's a few favorite Bruce songs that says it all about a man who likes a woman.

    Drive All Night:
     "I swear I'll drive all night just to buy you some shoes
    And to taste your tender charms"


    Thunder Road:
    "All the redemption I can offer, girl
    Is beneath this dirty hood
    With a chance to make it good somehow
    Hey what else can we do now
    Except roll down the window
    And let the wind blow back your hair
    Well the night's busting open
    These two lanes will take us anywhere
    We got one last chance to make it real
    To trade in these wings on some wheels
    Climb in back
    Heaven's waiting on down the tracks
    Oh oh come take my hand
    Riding out tonight to case the promised land
    Oh oh Thunder Road, oh Thunder Road
    oh Thunder Road"


    I'll Work for Your Love:
    "What others may want want for free, I'll work for your love."


    Fire:
    "And when we kissed.....Fire."

    Now, if only it would be so easy to figure out when a woman likes us.  George from Seinfeld had a great line about "she doesn't like me"....I couldn't find that clip but here's one that showcases another male anxiety from the "like" department.  This one's about "hand".
    video

    "uhhhh....what's the point."

    It's been my experience that a woman can "need" to see you one day and the next day she wants nothing to do with you. One thing's for certain about a guy.  When he likes a girl he will always like her. A guy never loses his feelings for a woman he likes. He can be mad, angry, frustrated and disappointed with her...but, once she gets in his heart...she'll never leave. And that's just how we're wired. Our heart hath no term limits.

    Sunday, November 20, 2011

    Masturbation

    For Pleasure or For necessity?  That is the singular question for a man.

    Do we masturbate because it feels good to us or do we do it to keep from bursting? And by bursting I mean both our heads are so completely engorged with thoughts of sexual desire that our minds can't focus on anything else and our genitalia feels like it's going to explode with such painful ferocity if we don't tend to our fire down below properly. Although unlike a woman's actual heat rising like a phoenix out of her genitalia a man's "fire" is more metaphorical.....it's not a raw thermal increase we experience...our sensation is more abstract and less defined. While we do get hard....it's much more of a psychological need that's fueling us to "finish" than you would think.

    Guys are somewhat split on the pleasure v necessity things in a sense some guys claim to enjoy it immensely and look forward to doing it while others simply do it because they need the eventual release...be it from unfulfilled desires to tension to just helping get to sleep. 

    And then there's doing it before a big date or going out for the night in search of the hook up. Not only does it take the edge off, but it allows us to reload and helps us last longer should we get to do the real deal later that night with an actual woman in our presence, rather than just with a woman in our minds.

    Clearly, frustration from not having sex is the main masturbation motivator for men. Then again, I also know guys who claim to jerk off multiple times a day even though they're still getting laid regularly. These guys fall into the self gratifying "pleasure" people....and all of these types that I know, the ones who thoroughly enjoy doing it, are all total narcissists.

    I won't even begin to try and compare our "need" to a woman's, but I will try to describe it further. Like I said in the opening paragraph once we become consumed by sexual thoughts and perversions we literally cannot move on until we jerk off. Whether it's a slow build or sudden impulse, the game plays out the same every time. Eventually, we have to take care of business. What most women will probably find shocking and disgusting is how little we need to trigger us.

    Never mind the thoughts and memories we have about our current and former lovers, any random woman we encounter during the day....be it, in person, on TV, on a billboard, in a magazine, at the bank or in line at the check-out at the grocery store can get our juices flowing.  You are correct to claim men are animals, but only in the sexual sense. No emotional attachment is necessary for us to want to fuck you, let alone masturbate to you. If we see a hot chick, no matter the circumstance, chances are we will be rubbing one out to her sooner rather than later.

    Lately, I've been actively trying to keep my urges down, in effect, training myself to be desireless.  I am not one of those habitual masturbating narcissists. As I've gotten older, I've grown tired of being controlled by my sex drive. It has not been an easy thing to suppress, especially as a high a drive as I've had my entire life.

    Medical experts appear to be split on the health benefits to masturbating. While the act itself is deemed natural, normal and safe...what does it say about one's own frustrations and needs if you're doing it a lot. How much is too much? Probably the answer lies with the individual. If you feel like you are doing it too much then you probably are.

    I have a friend who claims to masturbate 3-4 times a day.? Do you think that's too much? Does he?

    Before marriage Richard Christy from the Howard Stern Show reserved Friday nights for Masturbation where he'd stay in all night to watch porn and pleasure himself. He openly talked about it and how much he looked forward to Friday nights at home, alone.
    Staying with the Howard Stern show...a rich emporium for masturbation...Wrap-up Show Host Jon Hein claims he doesn't do it at all so he can save all of himself for his wife. He thinks it's cheating in a way if he does it without her.  Long time show contributor and fan Melrose Larry Green proudly told me he doesn't like to finish....he actually loves the build up part and not the climax....a bit odd, but whatever gets you off...even if that means not getting off per se.

    Comedian Louis CK devoted an entire episode of his TV show Louie to it where he announced "I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle. And I masturbate." Here's a clip.


    And then there's the Master of Masturbation Larry David who shined a new light on being Lord of the Manor and King of the Castle, asking us all who is master of their domain.

    I'll tell you a couple of personal masturbation stories....besides just the countless times I came home drunk and came...a little while later....intoxication does slow down the process...or help hold out ...does it do the same for women or actually increase their rate of pleasure? I wonder. I'll have to ask a woman that.

    So I was at my apartment pool and this girl was laying out on her back. Her ass was absolutely magnificent, glistening under the California sun. She also had her bikini bottom rolled up so as much of her butt cheeks as possible could tan...I was trying my best to concentrate and read, but every few seconds I had to glance up...I couldn't help myself. It was like an insatiable magnetic force drawing my eyes to look in her direction. There was no escape. I was caught in the gravitational pull of her sexual tractor beam. We ended up leaving together (at the same time...not actually together), only cause once I saw her get up to leave there really wasn't any reason for me to stick around. We made some small talk and she smiled at me as she walked away....and that's all it took....for my trigger.

    The next day, I decided to take care of myself before going down to the pool, just in case she was there again.  Well, sure as shit, when I went out there she was there again. And this time she smiled at me as soon as she saw me...like she knew....even before I entered the pool area. That's all it took. Again. Only this time, I actually went back upstairs immediately to TCOB.....by the time I returned she was gone. Good. Now I'd finally be able to concentrate on reading.

    The other story worth sharing is a bit more explicit. You've been warned.

    I once had a woman specifically request for me to masturbate onto her. We were messing around hot 'n heavy and she didn't want to have full sex yet and instead asked if I would masturbate onto her. Not for her to jerk me off, but for me to handle myself, and then finish on her. She actually said "I want you to masturbate onto me." And I asked...just so there was no misunderstanding, "Are you sure that's what you want?" . She said, "Yes. That's what I want."  While it was the first time I had received such a direct invitation I knew it was hot and that she was going to get off on the idea behind me doing it to her and because of her...while she watched.  To her credit, she did ask me to titty fuck her first.

    Of course, I was also aware the request was all part of her sexual manipulation and need to remain in control. This was an issue that would become even more clear about a half hour later when I turned the tables.  She was trying to say goodbye to me, but instead, she leaped...thrusted more like it....into my arms and attacked me so aggressively I now found myself holding her tightly in my lap as I sat, half hung off the edge of the bed...her legs wrapped around me. One of her my arms tightly gripped around her hips while the other worked my way down her body...letting my fingers do the walking and...the banging...I entered her with a determined tenderness...she responded with as much passion and excitement as you may expect. As I continued to masturbate her she grew closer and closer to an orgasm.....and then out of nowhere, seemingly just as she was about to finish...she tore herself off of me...stopping in "mid pump" to quote Larry David...I felt like Jeff who said to Larry, "Who stops a wack-off mid-pump?" Apparently this woman does. She admitted to "holding back" on me and most likely did so because she had a boyfriend who she was seriously conflicted by...guess she felt an orgasm for her was the "cheating" part. The question is...did she ultimately finish herself after she threw me out moments later.

    Here's the clip from Curb btw.

    One thing I can't figure out is why a woman ever masturbates unless she's in a monogamous relationship and her man is out of town or unavailable for some phone/Skype sex action. ....I was just told by a female friend that one reason women masturbate is to "climax" cause sex doesn't necessarily do it for them. Ah. I get it. No wonder so many women devalue sex with a guy....it really does do nothing for them.

    Women say "Oh we get horny too. We just don't go around fucking everyone who triggers us downstairs." I say, 'Why the hell not?!'  If that woman from the pool told me she thought I was so sexy and either she was headed upstairs to take care of herself or I could....do you think there would be a question of me going with her? I'd be so honored and turned on by her invitation she'd either have the best sex of her life...or the quickest....more likely.  Regardless, it would have been spectacularly raw and passionate, that's for certain.   

    Many women are disgusted by the thought of a man they just met going home to masturbate to them. "Oooooh. gross." I think is what they say.  If men knew every woman they met in a day were masturbating to them later that night they would be so completely flattered and ego enhanced ...we'd be in a constant state of blissful euphoria.  Masturbating to someone is the most remarkable natural compliment a human can offer. Other species don't masturbate...probably cause they're getting enough sex so they don't need to. You want to stop men from masturbating to you...then have sex with him. Yeah, that's an ideal that is not practical, so instead...just embrace it....accept it and don't worry about it...just be happy.

    Now if you'll excuse me...I need to go masturbate.

    Wednesday, November 16, 2011

    Recommended Viewing

    These Films and TV shows provide a realistic glimpse into a man's mind and are personal favorites of The Naked Truther. Not only should you watch all of these, but they're a good "test" for your man, that is if you're looking for a man who's sensitive, emotional and romantic.  While none of these selections would be considered classic chick flicks they all contain critical elements that emit similar reactions. For instance, if your man doesn't instantly become emotional by the end of "Definitely, Maybe", then he's not capable...and never will be. Dump him. And dump him fast. If you don't care about this sort of thing in your man then this list probably is not for you...and neither is this blog.

    Films
    The Graduate (1967) - Dustin Hoffman, Anne Bancroft, Katharine Ross
    Rocky (1976) - Sylvestor Stallone, Talia Shire
    Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) - Sean Penn, Jennier Jason Leigh, Phoebe Cates, Judge Reinhold
    Romancing the Stone (1984) - Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner, Danny DeVito
    Back to the Future (1985) - Michael J. Fox, Lea Thompson
    Fatal Attraction (1987) - Michael Douglas, Glenn Close
    Bull Durham (1988)- Kevin Costner, Susan Sarondon, Tim Robbins
    Cocktail (1988) - Tom Cruise, Elisabeth Shue
    Fabulous Baker Boys (1989) - Jeff and Beau Bridges, Michelle Pfeiffer
    When Harry Met Sally (1989) - Billy Crystal, Meg Ryan
    He Said, She Said (1991) - KKevin Bacon, Elizabeth Perkins
    Other People's Money (1991) - Danny DeVito, Gregory Peck, Penelope Ann Miller
    Doc Hollywood (1991) - Michael J. Fox, Julie Warner, Woody Harrelson
    Frankie and Johnny (1991) - Al Pacino, Michelle Pfeiffer
    Basic Instinct (1992) - Michael Douglas, Sharon Stone
    Clueless (1995) - Paul Rudd, Alicia Silverstone
    Jerry Maguire (1996) - Tom Cruise, Rene Zellweger, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Kelly Preston
    One Fine Day (1996) - George Clooney, Michelle Pfeiffer
    Swingers (1996) - Jon Favreau, Vince Vaughn
    Fools Rush In (1997)- Matthew Perry, Salma Hayek
    Wedding Singer (1998) - Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore
    You've Got Mail (1998) - Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan
    Cast Away (2000) - Tom Hanks, Helen Hunt
    Almost Famous (2000) - Kate Hudson
    100 Girls (2000) - Emmanuelle Chriqui
    High Fidelity (2000) - John Cusak, Jack Black, Bruce Springsteen
    State and Main (2000) - Philip Seymour Hoffman, Alec Baldwin, Sarah Jessica Parker
    Serendipity (2001) - John Cusak, Kate Beckinsale, Jeremy Piven
    Seabiscuit (2003) - Tobey Maguire, Jeff Bridges
    The Cooler (2003) - William H. Macy, Alec Baldwin, Maria Bello
    50 First Dates (2004) - Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore
    Wedding Crashers (2005) - Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson
    Cutlass (2007) - Short directed by Kate Hudson starring Virginia Madson, Kristen Stewart, Dakota Fanning and Kurt Russell
    I Could Never Be Your Woman (2007) - Paul Rudd, Michelle Pfeiffer
    .....you can't go wrong with Michelle Pfeiffer
    Knocked Up (2007) - Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann, Katherine Heigl
    Definitely, Maybe (2008) - Ryan Reynolds, Isla Fisher
    Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008) - Jason Segel, Kristen Bell, Mila Kunis, Russel Brand
    Up in the Air (2009) - George Clooney, Vera Farmiga
    Crazy Heart  (2009) - Jeff Bridges, Maggie Gyllenhaal
    Barney's Version (2010) - Paul Giamatti
    God of Love (2011) - Oscar winning short avail on iTunes. Download it.

    TV
    Moonlighting
    (1985-1989) - Bruce Willis, Cybill Shepherd
    Cheers (1982-1993)- Ted Danson, Shelley Long, Kirstie Alley
    Seinfeld (1990-1998) - Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis Dreyfuss, Michael Richards
    Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000-present) - Larry David, Jeff Garlin
    Californication (2007-present) - David Duchovny, Natscha McElhone, Pamela Adlon, Evan Handler

    Monday, November 7, 2011

    Desire vs Desperation

    In my many intimate talks with women they all admit there's a fine line between a guy acting interested and a guy acting desperate. The line is difficult for them to define because it all depends on how much they actually like the guy...as such, guys have no idea how much love and admiration a woman is ready to receive from them, so most guys naturally pull back and tread lightly when first romancing a woman. It comes down to the old rule from the classic cult film Swingers about not wanting to "scare off a beautiful baby". 

    Too much too soon will likely get you into trouble. The question is:  Should it?

    Women who want men naturally want men to want them...desire them...find them attractive, stimulating...all of these things and more.  Every woman I've ever asked says they love it when a guy they just met calls them the very next day. Why then do women think a man is desperate if he becomes "overly" interested?

    Here's a question for you. Do you think men should like you? I mean, like you think you have something to offer...that you're attractive, smart...and that you're a good catch, right?  Of course you do! So if a man figures this out right away or quicker than you're "comfortable" with why should you automatically question his motivation? Maybe he's intuitive. Maybe he's intelligent. Maybe he doesn't need 3 months to wonder how much he likes you. Maybe you excite him in ways he never imagined.

    I get how women naturally need more time to process how they feel. Part of your time requirements come from not fully trusting yourself with the choices you make with men. Believe it or not men let their heart lead more than they do their head...more than either head. We tend to act first and question later.  Unlike women, we don't need extra processing time to evaluate what we're thinking. That's part of our beautiful simplicity. We follow our heart and our instincts. Immediately. Yes we also follow our hard on and that can get us into sticky situations, but it never misleads us. The heart never lies....and neither does the nipple...nor the penis for that matter. If we have a hard on for you it's because we're attracted to you. You light our fire.  It has nothing to do with us being horny. We're always horny...unless we're depressed. And contrary to what you think we don't always walk around with a hard on. We still need a trigger. And if that trigger happens to be you then consider it flattery. Would you rather be with a man who doesn't instantly get hard around you?

    Erect nipples and penises are the last honest, absolute truth in this unpredictable world. You can't fake either. More legitimate attention and consideration should be paid to both. I'm not saying they mean everything. Certainly not. You need a helluva' lot more than an erection to entertain thoughts of a meaningful relationship. But it's a start.

    Back to showing too much interest. If a man feels passionate about something, especially when that something is a woman, no effort is too great and no time is too much in his pursuits for her affections.  Any man who is not willing to "drive all night to buy you some shoes and to taste your tender charms", as Bruce Springsteen sings, isn't worth it. A man's heart beats strongest and shines brightest when he's after something he wants. If that's what being desperate means then every man with a heartbeat is guilty of such.

    Yet women continue to reward men who act disinterested, aloof.....desireless. They start to question themselves. Is something wrong with me? Why isn't he into me like every other guy? I thought he liked me. And you don't stop there do you? You build this fantasy of him, automatically thinking he must have so many other women interested in him. That's why he doesn't have time for me. And then it becomes a game. You want to make him care about you....and now you're trying extra hard to get his attention. This whole charade is sad, tired and pathetic. If a guy ignores you or doesn't show immediate interest....if he's just a little too casual about you....he's playing you. And the worst part is, you're letting him. 

    Yet, almost every guy I know behaves like this...because they know it works. It doesn't make them all assholes. It just makes them less courageous.  Although many of these guys who act like this are in fact assholes. But you still can't judge a book by it's cover right? Even the "good" guys play this nonchalant game with you especially when they're crazy about you. And why? Because they know it's the safe way to operate and that it's proven over and over to work! They may not like doing it, but you've made it a necessary evil because of your "fine line" of desire vs desperation.


    Contrary to women's perceptions, no man is ever desperate to be with a woman....Obsessed? or Crazed? Maybe.  Like we can't get you out of her head because you make us feel like we're on top of the world when we're around you? Yes. Guilty.  But desperate? That's an emotion we get if when we don't have enough money to pay rent or if our team hasn't won a Championship since 1908 (see Cub fan...they're a fucking desperate bunch) But desperate for a woman?  Never. It doesn't even make sense. Never crossed our mind.

    So next time a guy calls too much or leaves flowers on your doorstep or sends that extra text or writes some rambling overly affectionate 30 page email (JK on that one...maybe) don't mistake his crazed desire for lonely desperation. 

    Some men aren't afraid to actually listen to their hearts. And one of them may just be the guy that surprises you and steals yours.

    Thursday, November 3, 2011

    Rose asks "Why do guys finger bang?"

    We do it for the same reason you give us a hand job. Because we know you're not willing to let us implant our penis in your vajayjay....just yet.   So we need to put something in there...plus we want to feel how wet you already are...or we're desperately  trying to get you wet...to the point where you will eventually ask us to implant our penis...so we keep going until you either, A, can't take it anymore and say 'Oh I want you to fuck me'...or something to that effect or, B, Cum.

    It's all about setting you up....although men do enjoy the physical feeling of your pussy and the power that comes with turning you on with our finger(s).

    Some women are penetration masturbators while others prefer exterior stimulation. One woman's finger banging pain is another woman's pleasure. And so it goes...

    Keep sending your questions that need answering.

    Sunday, October 30, 2011

    Random Musings, Observations and Tips

    There's no denying men like to have sex. A lot. So if we want to have sex with you consider it a compliment. Do not look at us negatively because we're so sexual....instead, be flattered and appreciate it. Wanting sex from you does not make you a piece of meat to us. We're sorry if that's the way we make you feel.  What it makes you is desirable.  If you resent us for our Neanderthal ways then stop dating us. Date women.

    Part of the reason we crave sex so much besides how we're chemically wired has to do with our ego and our confidence. The more sex we're having, the more we're feeling like a man.  If we're not having sex we feel like less of one.

    If you complain to us about your boyfriend to the point that makes us wonder why you haven't left him yet then we're going to assume one of three things as to why you're still there....
    1. He' got a big dick.
    2. He's got money.
    3. You're too weak with low self esteem to leave him.
    When we screw up, no matter how big a screw up it may be, try to remember the 99 previous good things we've done before going off on us for this one bad one. You're not perfect and neither are we.

    Any guy who takes more time to get ready than you is either A) Gay or B) A Narcissist  or C) Both A & B AND will never satisfy you.

    If he's extraordinarily good looking, always surrounded by beautiful women, on TV and lives in Los Angeles, there's a very good chance he's gay.

    If sex with a guy lasts longer than "normal" he may be artificially enhanced....as in, he's juicing with the little blue pill. Many healthy guys now take Viagra to improve performance. Don't be fooled or rather "impressed" if this is the case. Pot, coke, alcohol and ectsasy all have similar effects on a man's ability to "hold out." Or perhaps, he's simply a porn star. Oh, he could be gay too...yes, even real gay guys will still sleep with women. It's called sport fucking. Same thing straight guys who just had their heart broken often attempt to do...they sport fuck to get over their depression.

    Do tell us how much you love our laugh, our smell, our wit, our taste...and if you're cumming.

    Don't ever fake it...or hold back. If you're a screamer scream your ass off.

    Whether you have a tight little ass, big ass, small ass or loose ass we will try to spank it. Why? Because it's there. Believe it or not, it has very little to do with the "bad girl Daddy needs to spanks you" fantasy....that fantasy is all yours.

    Do tell us to kiss our mother for you...but, not right before you send us a text telling us you can't see us anymore.

    Don't ever Text you can't see us anymore. Do tell us, in person, if at all possible. No matter the circumstances.

    Wear less Make-up. A lot less. And easy on the lip gloss too. Bright red lipstick makes you look slutty, not hot or beautiful.

    Boys will boys. Always.

    Boys like farts. Theirs. Not yours. Don't ever do it. As comfortable as you may be around us, you're never going to be one of the boys. And we don't want you to be. We love you because you're not.

    Don't tell us "There's no way we're having sex tonight." and then later we have the sex. We understand why you need to say it, but in the end, you just seem like you're full of shit. Have the sex. Don't have the sex. Just don't say it....unless you're absolutely sure we're going to have sex, then by all means, please tell us as soon as you come to this conclusion! Even if it's at the very beginning of the night when we first pick you up and you know we're going to later. The suspense is killing us. Life is too short for that shit. And no, it does not make it hotter not knowing. It makes us more uncomfortable. If we knew we were definitively going to have sex with you or not going to have sex with you, we'd act so much more relaxed....and cooler.

    If you ask us what we're thinking and we tell you...do not be freaked out. Do take a breath and thank us for sharing. Do continue to like us anyway.

    Do hold our hand.

    Baseball players wear hard athletic cups that protect their package...that's why baseball players have such a bulge.

    Speaking of baseball. Watch all the scenes in Bull Durham with Kevin Costner and Susan Sarandon. You want to know how men think about a woman they're in love with....watch these scenes. And if you happen to be a baseball fan too, then watch the entire film. Here's a taste.

    If we ask for your number, ask you out or give you our card and tell you to call us sometime...it means we want to have sex with you. We won't go out with you just because we like you. We go out with you because we want to have sex with you. Unless it's strictly a business situation, and even then, there's still a good chance we want to have sex with you. 

    If we kiss you we want to have sex with you.

    We know we want to date you only after you open your mouth.

    We know both these things instantly.

    How long we're willing to wait to wait before having sex with you depends on 2 things:
    1. How much we like you
    2. If we're still fucking someone else
    Don't make us wait...just to wait. If you want to have sex with us it's OK to just do it. We'll still respect you. Seriously.

    If we leave a note on your car, make a mix tape or want to take you to see our favorite whatever...we're in love with you.

    If we don't wipe our sweat off our seat/bench at the gym then we're an asshole.

    Don't make us feel like we're an appointment in your calendar....like you're fitting us into your busy schedule. You may be busy and you may be fitting us in, just don't let us know that.

    Do give blowjobs willingly.  Don't make us ask...or beg....it's never as good when we do...for us or for you.
     *If BJ's aren't your thing then you should become a lesbian.

    Do watch porn. With or without us. Just for the education. And yes we would like to try that. Maybe just to be sure, but ask us first anyway.

    Do learn to cook...even if it's just one thing....even if it's just pudding....something.  Anything.

    Howard Stern is not the pig you think he is....he has as much heart as he does pig.

    Men are way more sensitive then you think. Maybe even more sensitive than you. We're just better at hiding it from you.

    Every man wonders why you're with him....as does the man you're with. So, don't be afraid to tell us why.

    Our heart rules us more than our head above our shoulder does. I can't speak for the head below our waist. That head has a mind of its own.

    From the time we get our first erection we wonder where we can put it.

    Do not ignore us. It makes you a cold cunt and makes us angry...and even more determined. Unless we've threatened harm to you...then feel free to do whatever the fuck you want.

    Do wear low cut tops that reveal your magnificent breasts. Don't be weirded out by us looking at said breasts.

    Tuesday, October 4, 2011

    Emotional Ninjas

    Comedian Whitney Cummings refers to women as "Emotional Ninjas."  Sadly, I wish I could take credit for such a remarkable accurate description.  She writes "our favorite fighting tactic is the silent treatment."

    True. True. And True.

    All women love to simply ignore a guy they're bothered by. Rather than confront us directly they just freeze us out, hoping either we just go away or figure out what we did wrong and what we need to do to correct it. Now, here's where Whitney loses me...since she's a comedian she makes a joke out of it by saying "The silent treatment is not a punishment, it's a reward. He's like, 'Oh thank God she's giving me the silent treatment. I get to watch SportsCenter again today."

    Yes and No.

    We do want to watch SportsCenter or the last few minutes of the game or an entire episode of Family Guy without interruption. However, we'd rather you just tell us what's really bothering you. Ignoring us only makes us more angry with you. Not less. It also makes us more determined to get you to speak.  Say Something. Say Anything (great movie btw).

    Men naturally want to fix things. Ignoring may be in a woman's DNA, but a man's DNA is designed to fix..maybe break first...but ultimately fix. Tell us what's wrong and we'll do our best to fix it. Men are problem solvers. Even if we're the ones who broke it, we still want the chance to fix it.  Now we may not know how to fix it or perhaps we're just too stupid or proud to figure out how...but goddam it, we're sure going to give it our best shot. Give us a shot.

    The following advice is universal...not just intended for women, but men alike. 

    Ignoring another human who's trying to communicate with you is possibly the worst, coldest, rudest and most inconsiderate thing you can do to someone. It's simply heartless, selfish and incredibly immature.

    Of course, there's varying degrees of silence. There's the kind of silence that exists during the relationship and then there's the silence that's emitted after a break-up.

    If you're just arguing according to Whitney, "You can't defeat a woman in an argument. It's never happened because women never express the emotions we're actually feeling. When we're our most pissed off at you, what do we say? 'I'm fine.' 'I'm fine' means I'm going to stab you in the neck."

    Silence may be golden in the movie theatre, but between a man and woman....Honest communication is the golden ticket.

    However, the break-up silence is a different animal.  After a break-up, men do not seem to have the same kind of all powerful lock down On/Off switch that women possess. When it's "over" for a woman it's really over. She'll ignore your emails, texts, calls, letters, whatever...she has no interest anymore. No matter how much she loved you at one point, today...she's that emotional ninja.  Done. Whereas a guy still holds out some hope that maybe one day you'll flip that switch back on.  And why is that? A man's heart never really heals. No matter how little you think of us now, we'll always think about how you once were. It's absolutely easier for a woman to move on than it is for a man. We're raised to never quit. Defeat is not an option. Anyone who's played sports knows this line of thinking and it carries over into life and to our relationships with women.

    A past lover of mine shared a story about one of her exes who's been trying to get back with her for nearly 10 years. They previously dated for several years.  The guy's continued to stay in touch for years even after she got married and then eventually divorced. Always checking in to see how things were. It drove her nuts. And he's still trying today.  He even said he'd move to the city where she lives now just to start dating her again. I asked her if she thinks he's sincere and maybe a different person than when they went out. She says, "Absolutely he's sincere. And I have no doubt he's changed and probably would be a great boyfriend now. But, I can't go there again. I won't. I can't turn the switch back on. It's gone."  And that ladies is an Emotional Ninja.

    All of this talk of fighting tactics and emotional responses makes me think of another sensitive area.

    Rational Emotion vs Irrational Emotion.

    If a woman gets emotional about something and says "I don't want to talk about it." That's an irrational emotion. What do you mean you don't want to talk about? If somehting's bothering you we need to talk about. Men don't walk away from a problem that needs fixing. They may ultimately call someone else in, but they're not just going to ignore it.

    I ask you ladies this....Is being an Emotional Ninja a badge of honor that you wear proudly on your cold dark sleeve? Ninjas are sneeky, devious, cunning...and cut throat.  Wouldn't you rather be known as a kind, loving, caring, rational woman who shares and communicates honorably and effectively?

    In the end, I'm going to suggest Less Ninja. More Emotion. It's okay to let us inside your self made protective armour. I'm not saying your switch needs to be like silly putty, but maybe it could be a little more flexible. And never be afraid to communicate with us....decently and humanely.  Be a better person. You have it in you.