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Monday, June 25, 2012

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Fifty Shades of Grey and Some Other Reasons Men Like Women

So much of this Blog is devoted to what women don’t do well when it comes to loving men or what they can  and should improve upon. Or perhaps just as importantly, what they need to understand about us.  This entry  however, is going to address what you do right for us.  

I posed a question to several friends from both sexes asking what are some of the qualities inherent to women that men should appreciate?  I only had one stipulation; your answer could have nothing to do with sex or a woman’s physical features.

Judging from some of the pontification you would think I had asked them to deconstruct the properties of an atom. Mildly surprised by the lack of conviction in their answers, I simplified the question. Not everyone is as introspective or as thoughtful as myself.

Pretend I’m an alien visiting earth for the first time and I want to know why a woman is good for a man.  Remember, speaking non-physical non-sexual. Why should a man bother with a woman? What can a heterosexual man get from a woman that he can’t attain from another man…or for that matter…a dog…always a man’s best friend.  Make no mistake ladies. A woman’s biggest competitor is not that “other” beautiful woman across the room; her greatest threat is a man’s dog. Unequivocally loyal, infinitely affectionate and curiously attentive a dog represents the most ideal traits one desires from a love partner.

With that said…let’s get the sex out of the way. Yes…obviously it’s probably the number one thing men seek in a woman…however, beyond that I wanted to write about what else we enjoy. By acknowledging the “other” positive traits found in women hopefully women we’ll understand they are valued for far more than just their bodies.

Of course, the phenomenon that is Fifty Shades of Grey only strengthens the argument that women are all about sex just as much men are…with one glaring exception….a woman’s real fantasies are kept far deeper in the closet, out of sight and out of mind from those she socializes with for fear of either being dubbed a “slut” or “whore” by her well guarded inner circle or they’re acted upon in utmost secrecy, and often with anonymous partners.  And by “anonymous” I mean…not their current ones.

This isn’t to say men don’t act and maintain extreme wishes behind closed doors as well; we’re just more likely to tell you exactly what we want from you. Our cautious approach with you only comes from not “freaking” you out…which you must admit…women are big into the freak out factor…and for that matter the word “creepy”. If we suggest the slightest thing that may disturb the delicate balance we’ve orchestrated…and yes I do mean orchestrated…as in carefully matriculated. Women are like eggs…and flowers.  Handle with care. A woman should never be fearful of revealing to a man her deviant thoughts…our most likely reaction would be “Cool” regardless if we are into it or not. If we like you…chances are we want you to be a freak.

The reason I bring up the book is not for its inherent explicit material; rather it’s to tell you men love hearing about a woman’s sexual desires and thoughts…what she likes…what she doesn’t like….and more importantly, what she wants.  Yes, men are physical beings first…but you’d be surprised how much our minds factor into our erections.   Knowing exactly what turns you on and then having you communicate that to us only makes us more into you. Don’t be shy. Give us the keys to unlock your personal mysterious shades of grey. We like opening things.

OK, so from this we can establish our first non-superficial thing we like about woman.

  • How you talk to us
What you say and how you say things to a man affects them. Do not underestimate the impact of your spoken word.  I can’t even describe properly what I’m talking about, but when it happens I know it. I feel it. It’s a playful, flirty kind of engagement that makes us think we’re special.

And speaking of special…the next thing we like…

  • How you talk about us
One of my Neanderthal male friends answered the questions with this:

“I love it when she tells her friends how much she loves fucking me.”

This is not about sex. This is all about feeding his ego. Most men need their ego stroked more than their dicks…sure we love it when you tell us you’re proud of us or how much we mean to you…but when you tell your friends…that’s what gives us the most confidence, which obviously leads to the next great quality about you.

  • How you Boost our Confidence
A female friend told me she’s had guys want her on their arms just to make them more confident. She’s right.  A lot of guys will specifically seek out an attractive woman to makes themselves look better. It’s not always this artificial. Often…we actually “like” you and not just using you for your outward beauty.  I told her if that was always the case guys would just hire escorts to walk around with them all day….and some do…but it never has the same impact as the real thing. It’s not a genuine confidence booster.  It’s fake and only a temporary fix.

There’s a reason for the expression: Behind every good man is a better woman. Men need a woman to be whole. No man is ever going to reach his full potential without the confidence generated from being with a woman who loves and admires him.

When a young emboldened Leo DiCaprio in the epic film Titanic proclaimed, “I’m King of the World!” it had everything to do with him knowing a woman he loved was in love with him too. A woman’s love makes a man think anything is possible and inspires him to be a better man. What a woman’s love does for a man’s thoughts is immeasurable.

Confidence is the only key to success. Not smarts, not connections, not ambition and not necessarily hard work. Confidence is it. And nothing builds confidence like a woman who’s loved by man who’s on his arm.

  • Your Support
A guy can tell me all day long how much he supports what I’m doing or how much he believes in me and it has virtually no affect.  Of course, it’s nice to hear…but if a woman I like tells me the same thing it’s like she’s saying something completely different.

Another female friend offered to me that she wants to be the kind of woman a man can count on for support…and loyalty. She’s a rare gem in this world filled with narcissists and career obsessed woman.  While some woman I’ve spoken with run from the burden they associate with “being there” for a man, she eagerly embraces the responsibility. She actually wants to be the difference in a man’s life…to be his light. And don’t think my friend can be this way because maybe she’s just got all her shit together. Hardly. She’s recently divorced, got two young kids, one of them is autistic and both parents are deceased. She’s got plenty to deal with…yet she still aspires to be a man’s everything. How many of you can say the same?

    *  How you Look at us and Smile at us....especially when you walk into a room and first notice us

I wrote about this in my very first entry to this Blog. It’s the thing that I…and a lot of men actually value most from a woman.  When a woman looks at us…we see her looking into us. She wants to read our soul.  And if we like you…we want you to find whatever it is you’re looking for.  Then there’s your smile. That ear-to-ear smile that brightens the darkest of rooms, the one that cannot be faked…the one that says you’re the only thing that matters in this moment. There’s a peace and warmth in it that’s delivered uniquely by only a woman.

  • How you Text us
The smile thing applies to texting too. Many women use the :) rather liberally...but don't think we're not paying attention. Same goes for !!!! and LOL's....all flirty female creations. We admittedly get mini-pleasure from seeing them. They immediately put a smile on her face. So please don't abuse them.  Only if you mean it. We're counting those exclamation marks. Really, how excited are you about us?

  • Holding our hand
If we like you we want to hold your hand. And we like it even more when you initiate it. It’s not quite the same feeling we get when we get our dog to shake with us…but it's close.  There’s just something about the touch of a female’s hand…and it’s not all a physical sensation. After I had that long crazy car make-out with that Drama Queen from my 5-part entry Fate, Texts & the Smell of a Foot it wasn’t until we walked out of the car when she reached to hold my hand as we continued down the street that I felt totally cool with her. For someone who acted so concerned about kissing me because of her other relationship she left all that  unnecessary anxiety behind, in her car, when she grabbed my hand.

  • Lying in your lap
As far as simple little pleasures, not a lot beats lying in a grass field in New York City's Central Park with our head comfortably nestled in your lap looking up at blue skies. Just saying.

  • Mothering us
 I don’t mean the kind of Mothering a Momma’s boy is looking for, as in he’s looking for another Mother to take care of him. I mean the nurturing, caring…maybe you should go to the Doctor and have that checked out kind of Mothering. No matter how independent or strong a man acts…he enjoys someone who can take care of him…especially when he’s sick. You don’t have to become a 2nd mother to “mother us”…Mother us just enough…don’t smother us.

  • Cooking
Blow Jobs aside, the way to every man’s heart is through the kitchen. Eating is very important to us in case you missed that lesson growing up. If you can cook…it’s nothing but a big bowl of good. Ask Comedian Jeff Garlin. Very few men will tolerate a woman who can’t cook at all.  Just saying.

     *  Your Shoes

Just saying. 

  • Your Elegance, Tact and Grace
All the things that make you a “lady” make you charming and desirable. If we wanted to date someone who acted like the chicks in Bridesmaids…we’d date our boys.

  • Your Craziness
My Uncle convinced me to look at a woman’s up and down, back and forth, inexplicable unstable state of mind as a positive. He makes a good case for a woman’s inconsistent behavior as being the opposite of boring. And who wants boring?  It goes without saying the crazier you are…the wilder in bed you are too…which I’m sure plays into the appeal…but my Uncle was talking strictly from a life excitement perspective.  Also, if you can embrace your craziness rather than ignore it or dismiss it all together…that’s a helluva’ lot more appealing to us as well. If you’re able to readily admit you are so far from having your shit together or knowing what you want, then you’re also telling us you can use our help in dealing with whatever is fucking your shit up. Men like to be fixers….especially if that fixing thing is you.  Not that we want to change you. No. There's a difference between fixing and changing. We want to be the ones who help you on a path to sanity…and serenity.  Men love a lot of crazy shit….so why should women be any different?

  • The way you awaken
Only if we like you do we want to be there when you awaken. Like watching a beautiful sunrise we like watching you open the day. Seeing your intoxicating eyes, your all over the place bed hair, your sweet smile…it’s the best way to begin a day….other than you waking us in ways that meticulously tend to our precocious morning arousals…but that’s a sexual thing…and this entry is not about “sexual” likes.  Even a non-sexual awakening sure beats the hell out of seeing a buddy awake after a long drunken night on the couch. That’s some ugly.

  • Wanting to dress us
We may complain about it…and sometimes it takes away our dignity or our “manhood”, but in the end we’ll wear what you like because ultimately, it’s all about getting you to  want to take our clothes off…so if wearing something we can’t stand turns you on…we’re all for it. Men don’t dress to impress. We dress to undress.

And there you have it. You no longer have to wonder what else we “like” about you.  Then again, with that whole dressing undressing thing, maybe it all does in fact come down to sex. LOL. Seriously…we like you for more than just your bodies. Although, truth be told, if we didn’t adore your body, all those other “things” you do probably wouldn’t matter as much.

I’ve said it before…there’s not a lot of grey when it comes to guys…especially not 50 shades of it!  At best, men have two shades. Black and White.  Hopefully, this entry allows you to walk away with a better understanding and appreciation for yourself and what men enjoy about you.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

How to Relax After Work

I came across this article by Marie Claire writer Sarah Wexler where she talks about various ways to decompress after a long day at the office. 

She's also published a book called Awful First Dates which I'm equally curious to read.  Stress and relaxation are topics we can all relate to. But I was equally interested to see if there was any mention of sex in the article...which, no surprise, there was not.  Maybe it's too obvious a suggestion or not the right forum, but since I'm a man, and all we think about is sex...this becomes the perfect place to discuss it.

What is the single best way to unwind and take your mind off things?

Is it a good workout?  Listening to music? A quick internet browse of mindless topics?....Or is it simply just a quickie?

From a man's POV I can't thing of anything that satisfies like a harmless wild sexual escapade. No disrespect to a Snickers bar. For men, Sex is always option number one. Well...almost always.  A friend of mine who's a Dallas Cowboys freak claims he'll choose watching his Boys over any naked romp. We've even played the "what if" game with it too. Like what if you could sleep with the Playmate of your choice for an evening or watch the Cowboys in the Super Bowl type of scenario.  Men like my buddy are not the kind of men women should be dating. Although I too would probably take any Springsteen concert over a woman....but that's only because, unlike a woman and for that matter, the Dallas Cowboys, Bruce never disappoints.  

So I guess if Bruce or a woman is not readily available, then masturbating is always an option that helps take the edge off.

The following question begs asking...

If given the option of sex would women prefer it at the end of every day over anything else?....

Or are they so burnt they're not in the mood?

I get the feeling sex is the last thing on a woman's mind after work. Why is that?  Especially, if you are one to claim you're as into sex as men are.

A long quiet walk through the park does wonders for the mind, but is it really better than having someone go down on you? 

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Jenny McCarthy and Her Claims About Jim Carrey

It's amazing how this is THE topic that is getting all the attention, rather than Jenny's sexual exploits and "calendar" method of birth control. But since it's all over the news I may as well as throw an independent man's two cents in. Something I purposefully avoided in the last entry.

Jenny is upset over Jim not trying to spend time with HER son...after SHE dumped HIM. Not only is she bothered by it, but she admits she has yet to call Jim personally about it! 


Instead of communicating with Jim directly she's had other people try (probably her agent or mutual friend or whoever). So what does she do? She dumps all over Jim on The Howard Stern show yesterday.  Weak.


Her actions have nothing to do with her being famous.  No one wants to make that call but to have others do it for you? That's ridiculous.  It doesn't matter how uncomfortable a phone call to Jim may be, just do it!  Don't text. Don't email. Don't have someone else do your dirty work. Show some courage. And stop playing the victim card.

Maybe all Jenny had to do in the first place was ask Jim herself. It may have been just that simple. That's it.

Many women too often confuse confrontation with communication. There's a difference. Women are perceived to be the better communicators, but the reality is they are the worst.

Men want you to communicate. Not to tell us what to do or how we should do something or accuse us in some fashion of acting childish or whatever....that's confrontation. 

Communication is simply telling us how you feel. I've said over and over we respect you a lot more when you're able to be open and honest with us.

Attacking Jim on the radio is not going to help Jenny's situation. It's only going to piss Jim off even more than he probably already was for being "dumped"...allegedly.

Makes you wonder if the only reason Jenny stayed with Jim for as long as she did was for her son. That may have been great for her son then....but not so great for the son or Jim now.

Not sure what Jenny was trying to accomplish on Stern other than properly representing narcissistic crazy Scorpion bitches looking for sympathy and attention.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

A Sexed Up Jenny McCarthy on Howard Stern

Jenny McCarthy was on the Howard Stern Show Monday to promote her new NBC dating show, Love in the Wild but it was her raunchy, explicit sex talk that left most guys wondering, "Is she for real?"

Among the claims the ex-Playmate made were...

She loves giving Blow Jobs and took the time to study YouPorn for tips including learning how to choke, gag, deep throat and swallow properly.

For birth control she uses the "Calendar" method, referring to her ovulating cycle which she knows to the minute...and if she still needs to have sex during this period she just makes sure the guy pulls out in time.

She doesn't like condoms because she wants the guy to feel her cum on his balls.

She's a sexual freak because she's a Scorpion...and from Chicago....which just happened to be the same traits she shares with my infamous foot smeller.  I believe her to be truthful here.

She thinks guys lose their desire for sex the older they get, yet she claims to be hornier now than ever. The reason guys lose their sex drive for you is for one of three reasons:

A.  They are having sex with someone else 
B.  They no longer find you attractive
C.  They've thrown in the towel because they are tired of all the bullshit, craziness and game playing

ALL NORMAL MEN want sex...ALL THE matter the age. NO MATTER THE AGE.

And finally, Jenny admitted she's been dating Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher for the last few months who she claims to love and thinks is "a sweet guy."  Brian's about as sweet as a rotten apple. I think fellow Chicagoan turned LA actress Rosa Blasi needs to have a Windy City sitdown with Jenny about the pitfalls of dating a professional athlete. Rosa wrote Jock Itch, a detailed play-by-play of her exclusive and lurid affairs with professional athletes. It's well worth the read. I have a copy if you'd like to borrow it.

Even for this unfiltered gentleman Jenny is a bit over-the-top...whether it's for real or pure shtick to help promote herself and her projects...she comes across as trying very hard to be "liked". Now some guys, especially those on the Stern Show, drooled over her bold declarations and confessions I just can't seem to warm to her. And it's not because she's too "dirty". Not at all. There's something unlady like about her she's acting "one of the guys". I feel fucking her would be like having sex with a guy, but with tits and a vagina. Maybe it's because she doesn't come across feminine enough in how she talks. It reminds me of all the gross-out female humor  that's suddenly in vogue right now, like what was found in the film Bridesmaids. 

Memo to all you ladies:  You can still be very funny...and  at the same time retain your femininity. Lucille Ball, Mary Tyler Moore, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, Tina Fey...all funny...none of them gross.

Some guys do love women like Jenny....but many, do not. So, you're not alone if you're not a fan.

BTW. Here's the Video Highlights of Jenny on The Stern Show.