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Monday, January 30, 2012

Marissa asks "How can I get less attention from men?"

I can already hear fifty percent of the women who read this immediately asking "Who is this Marissa bitch complaining about men giving her too much attention?" and the other half of the women agreeing "Yeah, how do I get men to leave me the fuck alone?!"

Before I attempt to answer the question I'm going to tell you what it proves first and foremost, well beyond a reasonable doubt.

The question cannot win.  Either we pay too much attention to you or not enough. Which is it?  How do we ever satisfy thee? I'm not sure there's an answer to that one either. Not a simple one anyway. And not one I'm even sure a woman can honestly answer.

That delectable enigmatic problem aside, I asked a guy friend of mine, who currently dates an incredibly beautiful woman, what he first thought of the question. Without missing a beat he said, "That's ridiculous. Everyone wants to be desired. She's full of shit."  I assured him she was not and that it seemed to be a genuine issue for her. Upon which he suggested the same thing I had said to her, "Be less attractive."  I did add "Shave your head"...Rachael from Friends thought the same thing.  Although there's probably just enough bald fetish heads out there to still want her. Apparently Ross was one of them...I think. Fuck Friends. Point being, whatever you do, someone will inevitably find a way to still be turned on. That's a fact. The world is a full of freaks. On both sides of the fence. 

So just changing your appearance or behavior isn't necessarily going to make you less desirable. After all...we're men...we'll fuck everything. Right ladies? That is what you think. Well, right now I won't fuck's that for you? Oh...right you also think I'm full of shit.  Maybe......maybe not.

Assuming for a moment Marissa is being truthful and honest about wanting to be less desired by men, what I'm more interested in knowing is, what exactly would facilitate such a....desire?

From what I'm told by women, including Marissa, is that this attention at times is overwhelming...from casual looks on the street, to flirty texts, to suggestive emails, to Facebook's just too much for them to emotionally keep up with and deal with. But why? Is it the sheer volume of cat calls?  Do you feel pressure to live up to the hype we generate? Are you insecure? Do you lack confidence in what you really have to offer. That's got to be it. You don't think you warrant the attention you receive. Does anyone?

I understand the desire to be left alone at time...have some quality "me" time. Not be bothered. All that. Except, we live in a world where chicks are rock stars. And men are the groupies.

Regardless of how women feel about this "special" attention it's the men who are are still the natural pursuers, the hunters.  By and large, women sit back and wait for Prince Charming to sweep them off their feet. And with this constant pursuit comes attention and persistence.  "Persistence counts" is what we hear over and over...not just from women but in all aspects of life....until you're pursuing a woman like Marissa, and then your persistence becomes her annoying nuisance.  

Oh by the way....I'm listening to E Street Radio and this happens to be the song playing right now. Spooky.

But Marissa doesn't care. She'd rather you not. Or not you. Maybe the cute guy over there. He can for work for her love. That would be OK.

Women tend to not finish their thought. What Marissa may really be asking is "How can I get less attention from men......that I don't want the attention from?"  What Marissa and other women ultimately want is "selective" attention. Spoiler alert. It doesn't work that way. You can't pick and choose who will love you. It just happens. Love happens.

So why would too much attention really bother someone if we all want to be desired...and loved?  I've never heard any man complain about receiving too much attention from a woman they're not dating. I say "not dating" because there's plenty of men who complain about women they are dating....just as women do with men they're in a relationship with...which is another great topic for a future post....Why on earth would you stay with someone who doesn't make you happy?  But I digress.  No man is ever going to wonder how to stop random women from wanting him. And that's what we're really talking about here. It's the random desire that you run into every day, at work, around town...maybe if you're lucky, in your car at a stoplight.  Who doesn't like a good solid road hook up? I actually picked up two girls at a stop light once. It was rather exciting. They claimed to like my driving and decided to follow me...somehow I charmed them enough between red and green to convince them to continue to follow me another 20 minutes down the road to my friend's house. We ended up partying the rest of the night together. But that's neither here nor there...this is still about receiving less attention...not more. Once again, I digress.

It's no wonder why Marissa's desired by men. She's charming,, sharp, sassy.  She's just a cool chick. As such, I'm pretty certain she's been initially greeted with open arms by all men who meet her...which invariably leads to things like free drinks...invitation to parties...hook ups...the occasional Central Park Penthouse house sitting situation....skipping the line...etc.  I bet in middle school some  young gentleman boy offered to carry her books for her.  In other words, she's got an endless list of gifts, offers and propositions. Call me crazy, but I'm still not seeing how this is a burden or a negative. Too many choices? gives great hugs too. And who doesn't want that?

Yes I've been avoiding the answer to the question. But there's a reason. Guys will always have an answer to your answer.

If you tell a guy you're a lesbian, he'll tell you so is he.

If you tell a guy you're married he'll tell you so is he.

If you tell a guy you can't wait to get married he might initially freak out, but in the end he'll just tell you what he thinks you want to hear...he can't wait to get married either.

If you tell a guy you're not looking for a relationship he'll tell you him too. He'll say he just wants to have fun. for the's not just girls who want to have fun...memo to Cyndi Lauper.

Boyfriend? So what. He sucks.

If you to want to avoid men all together you could just join a monastery...although they really didn't stop Kramer...or George. The guy may join too...just to be with you. Or just join a gay gym like Crunch. That's what Marissa did. She loves it there.

Those are all temporary, band-aid fixes and don't really address the problem.  Here's what you have to do. Instead of trying to figure out creative ways to ward men off or be less appealing maybe you should work on being more accepting and appreciative of the attention. Rather than be annoyed by it, embrace it. Let it inspire you. Work it.  Or like they said in the film, Boomerang, "You got to flip that shit around" or something like's the clip.

OK granted, that clip was more about being pussy whipped and just an excuse to hear John Witherspoon say "You got to whip that pussy" I digress once more.

Work on yourself. The more comfortable with yourself, the more willing and open you'll be to others wanting to be with you. Enjoy the ride. It doesn't last forever. Remember this...women hit the proverbial "wall" a lot sooner in life than men do. Be a sponge and soak up all the good attention you get now...while you still can.

However, if you must, there is one tried and true option you do have to turn down men. At least it works every time with this man. Tell the guy you're not physically attracted to him. Works like a charm with me. If I don't think you want to rip my clothes off or at least a sock...then I will shut it down and pursue anymore. It's hard enough to convince you to get naked when you do like me...let alone when you're not into me in that way. And yeah I know all about the stories of women not being turned on by the guy until months, years later...or even until they kissed and then boom...sparks fly. Most men want to know you're already turned on by us in some way...and the kiss is the thing that just seals the deal. I say most men because there's always men out there that still will make the attempt even after you tell them how disgusting you think they are...they don't care. They've got no shame and they still think they'll be able to win your heart for the reasons stated above....some women just need time to come around...either that or a few stiff drinks and a magical kiss. So I guess...telling a guy you're not physically into him is good way to fend off most of us...but not all.

Marissa does have some well deserved advice for us men. She says "We don't need to see anymore texts or emails containing pictures of your junk. Not a turn on." She continues, "But do tell us what you'd do to us with your junk. That we like." Ha. Told you she was funny...and smart.

So what have we learned from this discussion?  

Sometimes, women like Marissa just want to be left alone....and sometimes,  they just want the dirty talk. When those times one knows. See. What did I tell you? Men. We can't win.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Women Are Like Flowers

El Guapo isn't the only man to think women are like flowers. Delicate. Fragile. Be very gentle and attentive as they need much tender care to blossom. But do not over water them  either. Give them plenty of space and light to grow.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Emasculating Men

When Robin Quivers of The Howard Stern Show takes personal responsibility for how she's treated men over the years and how it's negatively affected her relationships then there's hope for men everywhere.

Robin then asked to have the floor on the show this morning: “I have something to report. I have something to say to all of you, as a matter of fact.” Howard laughed nervously: “Uh oh. It’s usually not good when you get that lecturing [tone].” Robin knew what he meant: “That is indicative of why I have something to say to you. You immediately think you’re in trouble.” To that end, Robin explained how she has taken a vow: “I took an oath this weekend that I would never emasculate any man ever again...I want you to keep me honest.” 
Robin said she’d spent the weekend in Boston at Allison Armstong’s “Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women” workshop: “What I learned this weekend was that I’ve been emasculating men--especially the men I love. All of you!--most of my life. Probably all of my life. [I’m] probably like the expert of emasculating men. And I want to apologize to all of you. I’m treating you as if you need to be controlled.” Howard hoped for the best: “I’m not getting involved in this latest thing because it will only backfire.” 
I came across Allison's website some time ago and found it remarkably self aware and every bit worth exploring for all women. Please check her out. Even if you don't think you need any advice in this area you still may find it an interesting read.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Great Expectations

The more I talk to women the more I keep hearing from them is to not have any expectations when going out with someone for the first time. They say, "Don't be too excited about it".  They argue that this type of thinking avoids getting hurt if things don't go well.  Of course, I have a different theory.

Right off the bat, if you're not excited about going out with me why should I be?  If you're not Al Pacino ready to give me all you got it then there's no reason for us to be talking, let alone going out.

Al Pacino has the right attitude. Don't waste my time.

I realize that's a bit harsh, but the truth is when I ask women if I should be excited when they say "Yes" to going out with me they tell me "No. I want to feel like you have something else going on." Huh? Exsqueeze me? Baking Powder?

I hear it over and over from women. They prefer the "I don't give a shit attitude" rather than the "I can't wait to go out with you" one. It makes no sense. And is completely illogical.

Maybe women don't want to feel the pressure of living up to expectations that a man may have for them. Well, that's the man's problem, not yours. If I ask you out and you say yes, I'm going to expect to have a great time with you. Otherwise, why would I want to even bother with you if I didn't think we'd have a good time together? I value my time. And if I choose to spend it with you then it means something.  If you're not super excited to go out with me then don't bother saying 'Yes'. Remember, guys only ask girls out when they're interested in them. They're not trying to figure "it" out.

Any guy that acts like he doesn't care if he goes out with you really doesn't care.  And if he's just "pretending" not to care then he's a dishonest and far more likely to cheat on you type of guy.  So, if that's what you want from a man then expect to get what you deserve.

Instead of lowering your expectations, you should be raising them. Stop settling for less and demand more, from yourself and whoever is asking you out. The greater the expectation the greater the passion. And isn't that what matters most? Passion. If you keep telling yourself, and the men who pursue you, not to care, then neither will your heart....or his.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

"Tougher Than the Rest" UPDATE (The Bartender)

While most of these posts consist of the general thoughts of all men, occasionally I relate my actual experiences. A few entries ago I wrote about a Bartender I decided to cautiously pursue. Most men automatically stay away from bartenders because they know it's sort of a "fool's gold" chase. It's "fool's gold" as they're always getting hit on and tend to flirt and just be nice for the tips so they just make you think you have a shot with them to keep you coming back and ordering drinks. Basically bartenders are like strippers who leave their clothes on. You could argue picking up a Bartender is, in fact, "tougher than the rest." Also, most guys possess tremendous egos which keep them from going after anything but a "sure thing."  And a Bartender is about as far from a sure thing as you can get. It's why guys tend to wait for that blatant green light. Of course, I'm an enigmatic different kind of the enhanced level of difficulty was not going to deter me.

The curious thing about this particular Bartender is that she is not all that nice to her customers, nor does she seem to revel in the fake flirting that often goes with the job. She routinely acts cold and distant. That is, until I broke her down...or at least until I thought I had broken down her wall. Without replaying what transpired between us that eventually led me to ask for her number (you can read all about it in the other entry titled  Tougher Than the Rest from December 14, 2011)...I'll cut to the bottom line.

Apparently, I mistook our back 'n forth combative quick-witted banter for flirtation. Because she had little interest in ever giving me her number. Despite our zodaic compatibility (she first asked for my sign) she claimed the following...

1. Whatever positive things I read on the Internet and showed her on my phone about our signs were incorrect.
2.  I need a new phone.
3.  I'm a contrarian.
4.  I'm bossy.
5.  We see the world differently.

Upon hearing this I thought it best to stop talking and I wrote her a lil note which she said she'd only read if the random guy standing at the bar, waiting to order, would say Yes." She asked him, "Yes or No?". He was like, "huh?" She repeated, "Just say Yes or No." He said " Yes." No surprise there. Most guys do...say Yes. 

So as she read the note I told her that if more women learned to say, "Yes" the world would be a happier place. The husband of the couple next to me quickly agreed...only to get a brief tongue lashing from his wife. I apologized for dragging them into my shit. They just laughed their ass off and had been amused by our whole exchange. I got to admit it was rather comical. Of course the bartender disagreed and asked, "What if you asked me to kill someone? Should I still say Yes."  I can't win with this chick.

When I first met this woman she complained about how all the men she dates are pussies and that she's tired of being in control. So here I am...willing to challenge her and not kiss her ass just to get into her pants and she doesn't like it.

I just think she's one of those women who likes to complain about the very thing she actually  wants. She loves being in charge and being right...and doesn't want guys to question her in anyway. In reality, she's probably a little insecure and plays up this tough card exterior to avoid any real intimacy, which ultimately allows her to avoid any further heartbreak.  I was hoping to get to know her outside of the bar environment, but she was certain she had me all figured out and wasn't going to let that happen.  

When I went back in to the bar with a buddy several nights later she saw me as soon we walked in and immediately looked down, away from me, and smiled.  My buddy saw it too...and thought it was kind of interesting that a smile was her instant reaction.  But this time, I took the high road and didn't pursue anything. Just wished her a Happy New Year and that was the extent of our conversation.

Too bad it turned the way it did because it was the first girl in 2 years I found intriguing and attractive enough to want to take out. She'll never know what she missed...she only thinks she knew. Then again, she probably never found me attractive in the first place. And that's the real reason why things went sour, and nothing to do with our opposing "world views".  lol.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

96 years of Love & Wisdom

Last week I sat down with a still very much "with it" 96 year old Grandmother for my 20 Questions documentary. We spent nearly 3 hours talking about men, women, love and life. At the end of our time together I told her she should be teaching seminars and, if only more women today were like her, the world would be a better place. Not to my surprise she informed me many other men have said similar things after they visit with her the first time. She's remarkable for both her spirit and the thoughts in her heart. While this blog is meant to relay "How men think" I'd like to share how a woman who loved the same man for 70 years thinks.

Women are oversexed.  At first I thought she was talking about men because most women today express that we are the ones who crave and need sex all the time like wild animals...and we do...but to hear her tell me she thinks it's the women who are actually the ones more obsessed with sex, that was fascinating. She has a lot of younger female friends who are still very active in the dating scene...and by younger I mean more than half her age. Her observation is based on how they talk to her and what advice they seek from her. She couldn't pinpoint a specific reason as to why, but she seemed pretty certain about it. It makes me wonder if the reason women tend to make men feel like we're the bad ones for having such a high sex drive is because they're actually attempting to deflect their own incredible high drive.

Women should not be dependent on a man to support them or take care of them. This woman worked in a department store long before women did anything but cook, clean and have babies. So naturally, she can't understand why women today still want a man who can take care of them financially or otherwise. She proclaimed how women are so much more advanced socially, politically and economically then they were in her day that there's no good reason to still behave like they can't take of themselves. And the kicker is she never worked just for the money. She worked as a salesperson because she got pleasure in helping customers buy something that made them happy. That's what she took away from her job most. How wonderful is that?

Women should never go out with someone if they're not attracted to them. When I told her some women I know have done this very thing...including a couple that ended up marrying men they were at first unattracted to she said, "Not for me. I couldn't do it." She agreed, why waste your time in waiting to see if you're attracted to them? Dating is hard enough without having to wonder when and if you're going to find a guy attractive. She asked me "Why would a woman go out with someone in the first place if she doesn't like him like that?" I told her what women have told me, "For a free meal." She thought that was absolutely pathetic.

A Woman's best quality should be her compassion and love. She also said the same for a man.

Listen to what's in your heart and not anyone else's. She claimed she never took advice from others when it came to a man. Only you know what you want and what's good for you. Trust yourself more.

Shit or get off the pot.  This goes for both men and women. Don't be a pussy. If you like someone tell them. What's with the waiting? And don't worry about how they're going to react. You have to do what makes you feel good. Even if that means popping in on someone without calling them first (which she did with her eventual husband after they hadn't spoken in a year because he broke up with her after she had lied to him...she knew she was wrong). So what if they're going to be mad about you just showing up? You got to do what you got to do...and hopefully, they'll understand that.

Here's a picture of this amazing woman I am now honored to call a friend.