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Sunday, October 30, 2011

Random Musings, Observations and Tips

There's no denying men like to have sex. A lot. So if we want to have sex with you consider it a compliment. Do not look at us negatively because we're so sexual....instead, be flattered and appreciate it. Wanting sex from you does not make you a piece of meat to us. We're sorry if that's the way we make you feel.  What it makes you is desirable.  If you resent us for our Neanderthal ways then stop dating us. Date women.

Part of the reason we crave sex so much besides how we're chemically wired has to do with our ego and our confidence. The more sex we're having, the more we're feeling like a man.  If we're not having sex we feel like less of one.

If you complain to us about your boyfriend to the point that makes us wonder why you haven't left him yet then we're going to assume one of three things as to why you're still there....
  1. He' got a big dick.
  2. He's got money.
  3. You're too weak with low self esteem to leave him.
When we screw up, no matter how big a screw up it may be, try to remember the 99 previous good things we've done before going off on us for this one bad one. You're not perfect and neither are we.

Any guy who takes more time to get ready than you is either A) Gay or B) A Narcissist  or C) Both A & B AND will never satisfy you.

If he's extraordinarily good looking, always surrounded by beautiful women, on TV and lives in Los Angeles, there's a very good chance he's gay.

If sex with a guy lasts longer than "normal" he may be artificially in, he's juicing with the little blue pill. Many healthy guys now take Viagra to improve performance. Don't be fooled or rather "impressed" if this is the case. Pot, coke, alcohol and ectsasy all have similar effects on a man's ability to "hold out." Or perhaps, he's simply a porn star. Oh, he could be gay too...yes, even real gay guys will still sleep with women. It's called sport fucking. Same thing straight guys who just had their heart broken often attempt to do...they sport fuck to get over their depression.

Do tell us how much you love our laugh, our smell, our wit, our taste...and if you're cumming.

Don't ever fake it...or hold back. If you're a screamer scream your ass off.

Whether you have a tight little ass, big ass, small ass or loose ass we will try to spank it. Why? Because it's there. Believe it or not, it has very little to do with the "bad girl Daddy needs to spanks you" fantasy....that fantasy is all yours.

Do tell us to kiss our mother for you...but, not right before you send us a text telling us you can't see us anymore.

Don't ever Text you can't see us anymore. Do tell us, in person, if at all possible. No matter the circumstances.

Wear less Make-up. A lot less. And easy on the lip gloss too. Bright red lipstick makes you look slutty, not hot or beautiful.

Boys will boys. Always.

Boys like farts. Theirs. Not yours. Don't ever do it. As comfortable as you may be around us, you're never going to be one of the boys. And we don't want you to be. We love you because you're not.

Don't tell us "There's no way we're having sex tonight." and then later we have the sex. We understand why you need to say it, but in the end, you just seem like you're full of shit. Have the sex. Don't have the sex. Just don't say it....unless you're absolutely sure we're going to have sex, then by all means, please tell us as soon as you come to this conclusion! Even if it's at the very beginning of the night when we first pick you up and you know we're going to later. The suspense is killing us. Life is too short for that shit. And no, it does not make it hotter not knowing. It makes us more uncomfortable. If we knew we were definitively going to have sex with you or not going to have sex with you, we'd act so much more relaxed....and cooler.

If you ask us what we're thinking and we tell not be freaked out. Do take a breath and thank us for sharing. Do continue to like us anyway.

Do hold our hand.

Baseball players wear hard athletic cups that protect their package...that's why baseball players have such a bulge.

Speaking of baseball. Watch all the scenes in Bull Durham with Kevin Costner and Susan Sarandon. You want to know how men think about a woman they're in love these scenes. And if you happen to be a baseball fan too, then watch the entire film. Here's a taste.

If we ask for your number, ask you out or give you our card and tell you to call us means we want to have sex with you. We won't go out with you just because we like you. We go out with you because we want to have sex with you. Unless it's strictly a business situation, and even then, there's still a good chance we want to have sex with you. 

If we kiss you we want to have sex with you.

We know we want to date you only after you open your mouth.

We know both these things instantly.

How long we're willing to wait to wait before having sex with you depends on 2 things:
  1. How much we like you
  2. If we're still fucking someone else
Don't make us wait...just to wait. If you want to have sex with us it's OK to just do it. We'll still respect you. Seriously.

If we leave a note on your car, make a mix tape or want to take you to see our favorite whatever...we're in love with you.

If we don't wipe our sweat off our seat/bench at the gym then we're an asshole.

Don't make us feel like we're an appointment in your you're fitting us into your busy schedule. You may be busy and you may be fitting us in, just don't let us know that.

Do give blowjobs willingly.  Don't make us ask...or's never as good when we do...for us or for you.
 *If BJ's aren't your thing then you should become a lesbian.

Do watch porn. With or without us. Just for the education. And yes we would like to try that. Maybe just to be sure, but ask us first anyway.

Do learn to cook...even if it's just one thing....even if it's just pudding....something.  Anything.

Howard Stern is not the pig you think he is....he has as much heart as he does pig.

Men are way more sensitive then you think. Maybe even more sensitive than you. We're just better at hiding it from you.

Every man wonders why you're with does the man you're with. So, don't be afraid to tell us why.

Our heart rules us more than our head above our shoulder does. I can't speak for the head below our waist. That head has a mind of its own.

From the time we get our first erection we wonder where we can put it.

Do not ignore us. It makes you a cold cunt and makes us angry...and even more determined. Unless we've threatened harm to you...then feel free to do whatever the fuck you want.

Do wear low cut tops that reveal your magnificent breasts. Don't be weirded out by us looking at said breasts.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Emotional Ninjas

Comedian Whitney Cummings refers to women as "Emotional Ninjas."  Sadly, I wish I could take credit for such a remarkable accurate description.  She writes "our favorite fighting tactic is the silent treatment."

True. True. And True.

All women love to simply ignore a guy they're bothered by. Rather than confront us directly they just freeze us out, hoping either we just go away or figure out what we did wrong and what we need to do to correct it. Now, here's where Whitney loses me...since she's a comedian she makes a joke out of it by saying "The silent treatment is not a punishment, it's a reward. He's like, 'Oh thank God she's giving me the silent treatment. I get to watch SportsCenter again today."

Yes and No.

We do want to watch SportsCenter or the last few minutes of the game or an entire episode of Family Guy without interruption. However, we'd rather you just tell us what's really bothering you. Ignoring us only makes us more angry with you. Not less. It also makes us more determined to get you to speak.  Say Something. Say Anything (great movie btw).

Men naturally want to fix things. Ignoring may be in a woman's DNA, but a man's DNA is designed to fix..maybe break first...but ultimately fix. Tell us what's wrong and we'll do our best to fix it. Men are problem solvers. Even if we're the ones who broke it, we still want the chance to fix it.  Now we may not know how to fix it or perhaps we're just too stupid or proud to figure out how...but goddam it, we're sure going to give it our best shot. Give us a shot.

The following advice is universal...not just intended for women, but men alike. 

Ignoring another human who's trying to communicate with you is possibly the worst, coldest, rudest and most inconsiderate thing you can do to someone. It's simply heartless, selfish and incredibly immature.

Of course, there's varying degrees of silence. There's the kind of silence that exists during the relationship and then there's the silence that's emitted after a break-up.

If you're just arguing according to Whitney, "You can't defeat a woman in an argument. It's never happened because women never express the emotions we're actually feeling. When we're our most pissed off at you, what do we say? 'I'm fine.' 'I'm fine' means I'm going to stab you in the neck."

Silence may be golden in the movie theatre, but between a man and woman....Honest communication is the golden ticket.

However, the break-up silence is a different animal.  After a break-up, men do not seem to have the same kind of all powerful lock down On/Off switch that women possess. When it's "over" for a woman it's really over. She'll ignore your emails, texts, calls, letters, whatever...she has no interest anymore. No matter how much she loved you at one point, today...she's that emotional ninja.  Done. Whereas a guy still holds out some hope that maybe one day you'll flip that switch back on.  And why is that? A man's heart never really heals. No matter how little you think of us now, we'll always think about how you once were. It's absolutely easier for a woman to move on than it is for a man. We're raised to never quit. Defeat is not an option. Anyone who's played sports knows this line of thinking and it carries over into life and to our relationships with women.

A past lover of mine shared a story about one of her exes who's been trying to get back with her for nearly 10 years. They previously dated for several years.  The guy's continued to stay in touch for years even after she got married and then eventually divorced. Always checking in to see how things were. It drove her nuts. And he's still trying today.  He even said he'd move to the city where she lives now just to start dating her again. I asked her if she thinks he's sincere and maybe a different person than when they went out. She says, "Absolutely he's sincere. And I have no doubt he's changed and probably would be a great boyfriend now. But, I can't go there again. I won't. I can't turn the switch back on. It's gone."  And that ladies is an Emotional Ninja.

All of this talk of fighting tactics and emotional responses makes me think of another sensitive area.

Rational Emotion vs Irrational Emotion.

If a woman gets emotional about something and says "I don't want to talk about it." That's an irrational emotion. What do you mean you don't want to talk about? If somehting's bothering you we need to talk about. Men don't walk away from a problem that needs fixing. They may ultimately call someone else in, but they're not just going to ignore it.

I ask you ladies this....Is being an Emotional Ninja a badge of honor that you wear proudly on your cold dark sleeve? Ninjas are sneeky, devious, cunning...and cut throat.  Wouldn't you rather be known as a kind, loving, caring, rational woman who shares and communicates honorably and effectively?

In the end, I'm going to suggest Less Ninja. More Emotion. It's okay to let us inside your self made protective armour. I'm not saying your switch needs to be like silly putty, but maybe it could be a little more flexible. And never be afraid to communicate with us....decently and humanely.  Be a better person. You have it in you.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Understanding Men

Men are all dirty dogs.

Now that we got the obligatory stereotype out of the way....we are actually more like a 30-second beer commercial. Ask a man what he wants and he's got a 1-word answer before you even finish the question. Men want women. Everything we do, everything we say...the cars we drive...the jobs we do...all geared around our strengths which will hopefully attract women. If we act like an idiot, it's because somehow whatever we think we're doing or not doing will attract a woman. We can't help it. We know what we want. We just don't know how to get it. Show me a man who claims he knows to understand a woman and I'll show you a man who knows nothing. Thanks to Producer Robert Evans for that piece of wisdom.

But here's the biggest conception. Just because we're a 30-second beer commercial does not mean we're void of any feeling or depth. Quite the contrary. In those 30 seconds we're fully capable of showcasing every emotion possible. Many women make the mistake of thinking because we're such animals about sex and other neanderthal interests we're not carrying around the same sensitivities, fears and insecurities as women. Truth be told, I think men are even more emotional than women. We're just able to mask it better. Boys don't cry right?

On the other hand, women are a 90-minute film starring Helen Hunt asking "What Women Want." Granted, women want men; but somehow, it's much more complicated than that. They think they know how to get what they think they want...for now. Tomorrow, it could change. Men are like a rock. For the most part, we ain't changing.

I came across a professional female owned and operated website that's worth checking out. Alison Armstrong created the site along with seminars and workshops for women specifically designed to help them understand men. More importantly, she shares how to look at them in a more positive, loving way. Alison writes about how a girl friend one day pointed out how she demasculated men in her behavior and attitude, including how she was treating her young son. Alison was horrified to learn of her reality. She didn't even realize the negative affect she was having on the men she tried to love. She kept blaming them and who they were...or were not; when the reality was she was preventing them from being who she actually needed them to be.  Her main point is that women will never be happy with their man until they learn to accept, understand and allow the man to be who he is and who he wants to be.

I've never met Alison nor have I attended any of her seminars and workshops, but I can tell you what I've read moved me to the point I think it should be required reading for every mother to their daughter. And for those mothers who raise sons, enabling him to be a "mamma's boy" is a dangerous game to play. While you may enjoy his constant affections and grown woman really want to date a Mamma's boy? A guy can love his mother to death, but a mamma's boy? That's a demasculine man who's far too in touch with his feminine side. What you end up with is a hairy woman.

While it may be too late to change a man, it's never too late for a woman to learn how to help herself.