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Sunday, October 30, 2011

Random Musings, Observations and Tips

There's no denying men like to have sex. A lot. So if we want to have sex with you consider it a compliment. Do not look at us negatively because we're so sexual....instead, be flattered and appreciate it. Wanting sex from you does not make you a piece of meat to us. We're sorry if that's the way we make you feel.  What it makes you is desirable.  If you resent us for our Neanderthal ways then stop dating us. Date women.

Part of the reason we crave sex so much besides how we're chemically wired has to do with our ego and our confidence. The more sex we're having, the more we're feeling like a man.  If we're not having sex we feel like less of one.

If you complain to us about your boyfriend to the point that makes us wonder why you haven't left him yet then we're going to assume one of three things as to why you're still there....
  1. He' got a big dick.
  2. He's got money.
  3. You're too weak with low self esteem to leave him.
When we screw up, no matter how big a screw up it may be, try to remember the 99 previous good things we've done before going off on us for this one bad one. You're not perfect and neither are we.

Any guy who takes more time to get ready than you is either A) Gay or B) A Narcissist  or C) Both A & B AND will never satisfy you.

If he's extraordinarily good looking, always surrounded by beautiful women, on TV and lives in Los Angeles, there's a very good chance he's gay.

If sex with a guy lasts longer than "normal" he may be artificially in, he's juicing with the little blue pill. Many healthy guys now take Viagra to improve performance. Don't be fooled or rather "impressed" if this is the case. Pot, coke, alcohol and ectsasy all have similar effects on a man's ability to "hold out." Or perhaps, he's simply a porn star. Oh, he could be gay too...yes, even real gay guys will still sleep with women. It's called sport fucking. Same thing straight guys who just had their heart broken often attempt to do...they sport fuck to get over their depression.

Do tell us how much you love our laugh, our smell, our wit, our taste...and if you're cumming.

Don't ever fake it...or hold back. If you're a screamer scream your ass off.

Whether you have a tight little ass, big ass, small ass or loose ass we will try to spank it. Why? Because it's there. Believe it or not, it has very little to do with the "bad girl Daddy needs to spanks you" fantasy....that fantasy is all yours.

Do tell us to kiss our mother for you...but, not right before you send us a text telling us you can't see us anymore.

Don't ever Text you can't see us anymore. Do tell us, in person, if at all possible. No matter the circumstances.

Wear less Make-up. A lot less. And easy on the lip gloss too. Bright red lipstick makes you look slutty, not hot or beautiful.

Boys will boys. Always.

Boys like farts. Theirs. Not yours. Don't ever do it. As comfortable as you may be around us, you're never going to be one of the boys. And we don't want you to be. We love you because you're not.

Don't tell us "There's no way we're having sex tonight." and then later we have the sex. We understand why you need to say it, but in the end, you just seem like you're full of shit. Have the sex. Don't have the sex. Just don't say it....unless you're absolutely sure we're going to have sex, then by all means, please tell us as soon as you come to this conclusion! Even if it's at the very beginning of the night when we first pick you up and you know we're going to later. The suspense is killing us. Life is too short for that shit. And no, it does not make it hotter not knowing. It makes us more uncomfortable. If we knew we were definitively going to have sex with you or not going to have sex with you, we'd act so much more relaxed....and cooler.

If you ask us what we're thinking and we tell not be freaked out. Do take a breath and thank us for sharing. Do continue to like us anyway.

Do hold our hand.

Baseball players wear hard athletic cups that protect their package...that's why baseball players have such a bulge.

Speaking of baseball. Watch all the scenes in Bull Durham with Kevin Costner and Susan Sarandon. You want to know how men think about a woman they're in love these scenes. And if you happen to be a baseball fan too, then watch the entire film. Here's a taste.

If we ask for your number, ask you out or give you our card and tell you to call us means we want to have sex with you. We won't go out with you just because we like you. We go out with you because we want to have sex with you. Unless it's strictly a business situation, and even then, there's still a good chance we want to have sex with you. 

If we kiss you we want to have sex with you.

We know we want to date you only after you open your mouth.

We know both these things instantly.

How long we're willing to wait to wait before having sex with you depends on 2 things:
  1. How much we like you
  2. If we're still fucking someone else
Don't make us wait...just to wait. If you want to have sex with us it's OK to just do it. We'll still respect you. Seriously.

If we leave a note on your car, make a mix tape or want to take you to see our favorite whatever...we're in love with you.

If we don't wipe our sweat off our seat/bench at the gym then we're an asshole.

Don't make us feel like we're an appointment in your you're fitting us into your busy schedule. You may be busy and you may be fitting us in, just don't let us know that.

Do give blowjobs willingly.  Don't make us ask...or's never as good when we do...for us or for you.
 *If BJ's aren't your thing then you should become a lesbian.

Do watch porn. With or without us. Just for the education. And yes we would like to try that. Maybe just to be sure, but ask us first anyway.

Do learn to cook...even if it's just one thing....even if it's just pudding....something.  Anything.

Howard Stern is not the pig you think he is....he has as much heart as he does pig.

Men are way more sensitive then you think. Maybe even more sensitive than you. We're just better at hiding it from you.

Every man wonders why you're with does the man you're with. So, don't be afraid to tell us why.

Our heart rules us more than our head above our shoulder does. I can't speak for the head below our waist. That head has a mind of its own.

From the time we get our first erection we wonder where we can put it.

Do not ignore us. It makes you a cold cunt and makes us angry...and even more determined. Unless we've threatened harm to you...then feel free to do whatever the fuck you want.

Do wear low cut tops that reveal your magnificent breasts. Don't be weirded out by us looking at said breasts.