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Thursday, March 1, 2012

Courage, Honesty & Truth

Besides the obvious connection and attraction, I think we'd all agree communication is the key to any healthy relationship. Why then do we make it so difficult to properly communicate with one another?

The answer is simple. Fear. We're scared of the truth. We lack the courage to be honest with others in how we're feeling because we're worried of the consequences or how we're going to be perceived or judged. Never mind that something is bothering us, we'd just as soon not talk about it so we don't have to deal with it.

I'm having a problem right now in communicating with a woman who liked me, but now is questioning her judgement because of a lack of trust based upon an incorrect assumption her part. Yet, she refuses to confront me about it because she still needs "time." She's scared of discovering the truth. The truth is she is wrong in how she now feels. The truth is that her initial perception of me was actually correct and that kind of feeling or connection she had with me now scares her. It's easier for her to believe I am just another guy who "betrayed" her. For her to take a leap of faith that I'm not, terrifies her.

I hear women over and over telling me they don't want to appear "needy" by expressing their feelings to their man. That is nothing but a gutless cop out. No man is going to be mad or look down on you for communicating with him in this way when something is troubling you. We want to know what's going on in your head. Always. How else can we help you? Men are problem solvers. Yes...I know..we're also problem causers. But mostly we are fixers. Talk to us. Tell us how we can help. We want to be there for you. And any guy who doesn't want to be, you shouldn't waste your time with. 

Being "needy" is always needing something like wanting to know where we are or when we're coming home or asking us to do a million chores over and over and over....Needy and Nagging going hand in hand. Communicating with us in an open and honest way shows us you care. More good than harm will come from it. Don't be afraid of your feelings. Nothing angers a man more than hiding your feelings from us. We're more like you than you give us credit for.

However, by far and away the worst thing you can do is be dishonest with yourself. Too much concern is spent on internalizing your feelings and taking time to "process."  Learn to trust your heart and your instincts more. Forget what you're head is telling you or what your girlfriends are saying.  And stop trying to figure out what things mean. Just ask us. Men love answering questions. It makes us feel smart...and useful.

I've had so many women tell me they need time to think about things or understand what's going on. Either you like us or you don't? What's there to figure it out? Stop making things so complicated. The only questions you should be asking yourself when it comes to relationships are "Do I enjoy being with him? And do I enjoy talking with and listening to him?" Beyond that...nothing else matters. Well except the sex....right? That matters. That's what you always, if it matters so much...get to it. Get to the sex and see how it is. Enough with these 3rd date sex dates or 90-day rules.

A close girl friend recently told me how she's frustrated with her boyfriend because he's inconsistent with his emotions toward her. He only gets emotional with her when he's drunk. But then she quickly chirps, "But it's so silly. It's such not a big deal."  So I said to her, "If you're telling me this, then it's clearly bothering you. You need to talk to him about it." And then she says "Yeah, but I don't want to seem needy." Now that is just being silly right?  

If what she needs is some consistent sober reinforcement from her man then she has a right to ask for it. Then she tries to justify her need by claiming the reason she wants him to be more emotional is because she has a guy on the side who is exactly like that. OK. Wait a second. Yes, she's kid of two-timing here, and she gets no pass for that....however, I told her the "other" guy's behavior is not why you're not satisfied with the inconsistency from Boy Toy #1.  Even without Boy Toy #2 in the picture you would still want more emotion from Boy Toy #1. That's part of the reason why she got divorced from Husband emotional connection. So, clearly, she's not being honest with herself in what she needs from a man and she's not being honest with the man she's now trying to date. For the record...I told her to end it with Boy Toy #2 if she's serious about making it work with #1...and she is because Boy Toy #2 is an out of town specialist who yes makes her body tingle all over like no man ever has but there's too many complications that prevent either one  of them from moving to the other's city to try and make it work for real. She's got herself a mess of a situation.

Another example of a severe lack of courage comes via my Brother. He was talking to a happily married couple about texting immediately after a date or the very next day. The wife was terrified of it. She said "Oh my God! I couldn't tell someone how much fun I had or that I couldn't wait to see him again. I don't want to scare him off."  Trust me and every other man out there...your text is not the reason we're rejecting you. I've been there. A text from a woman after a great date makes us feel like we're on top of the world.  It only makes us want to see you more. Not less.  

Still don't believe me? My brother asked the husband in front of his now wife how he would feel about getting a text from her that same night after a date when they were still dating. He said "I would have loved it. Are you kidding?" Even with that information the wife still says she couldn't do it. Wow. Talk about the Lion in the Wizard of Oz.

If we like cannot turn us off with too much affection or interest. We're not like women...who need time and space to process or to feel like you have something else going on other than us. If we like you we don't want you to have anything else going on! When can I see you again? That's it. That's all we want to know. I'm incredibly perplexed why women have the need to retreat once chemistry and a mutual admiration have been established. So you're afraid of getting hurt? Grow up. Why would you wait if you like someone? Why would you make him wait? To be sure? Maybe...but you're never going to be sure based on time. 

Time doesn't tell you anything except when happy hour starts.  Like I said before. Get to it. Life's too short and valuable to waste on running from the truth. Before you can be honest with someone else you need to start being honest with yourself. Be more courageous. The truth will set you free and find your love.