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Monday, November 7, 2011

Desire vs Desperation

In my many intimate talks with women they all admit there's a fine line between a guy acting interested and a guy acting desperate. The line is difficult for them to define because it all depends on how much they actually like the such, guys have no idea how much love and admiration a woman is ready to receive from them, so most guys naturally pull back and tread lightly when first romancing a woman. It comes down to the old rule from the classic cult film Swingers about not wanting to "scare off a beautiful baby". 

Too much too soon will likely get you into trouble. The question is:  Should it?

Women who want men naturally want men to want them...desire them...find them attractive, stimulating...all of these things and more.  Every woman I've ever asked says they love it when a guy they just met calls them the very next day. Why then do women think a man is desperate if he becomes "overly" interested?

Here's a question for you. Do you think men should like you? I mean, like you think you have something to offer...that you're attractive, smart...and that you're a good catch, right?  Of course you do! So if a man figures this out right away or quicker than you're "comfortable" with why should you automatically question his motivation? Maybe he's intuitive. Maybe he's intelligent. Maybe he doesn't need 3 months to wonder how much he likes you. Maybe you excite him in ways he never imagined.

I get how women naturally need more time to process how they feel. Part of your time requirements come from not fully trusting yourself with the choices you make with men. Believe it or not men let their heart lead more than they do their head...more than either head. We tend to act first and question later.  Unlike women, we don't need extra processing time to evaluate what we're thinking. That's part of our beautiful simplicity. We follow our heart and our instincts. Immediately. Yes we also follow our hard on and that can get us into sticky situations, but it never misleads us. The heart never lies....and neither does the nipple...nor the penis for that matter. If we have a hard on for you it's because we're attracted to you. You light our fire.  It has nothing to do with us being horny. We're always horny...unless we're depressed. And contrary to what you think we don't always walk around with a hard on. We still need a trigger. And if that trigger happens to be you then consider it flattery. Would you rather be with a man who doesn't instantly get hard around you?

Erect nipples and penises are the last honest, absolute truth in this unpredictable world. You can't fake either. More legitimate attention and consideration should be paid to both. I'm not saying they mean everything. Certainly not. You need a helluva' lot more than an erection to entertain thoughts of a meaningful relationship. But it's a start.

Back to showing too much interest. If a man feels passionate about something, especially when that something is a woman, no effort is too great and no time is too much in his pursuits for her affections.  Any man who is not willing to "drive all night to buy you some shoes and to taste your tender charms", as Bruce Springsteen sings, isn't worth it. A man's heart beats strongest and shines brightest when he's after something he wants. If that's what being desperate means then every man with a heartbeat is guilty of such.

Yet women continue to reward men who act disinterested, aloof.....desireless. They start to question themselves. Is something wrong with me? Why isn't he into me like every other guy? I thought he liked me. And you don't stop there do you? You build this fantasy of him, automatically thinking he must have so many other women interested in him. That's why he doesn't have time for me. And then it becomes a game. You want to make him care about you....and now you're trying extra hard to get his attention. This whole charade is sad, tired and pathetic. If a guy ignores you or doesn't show immediate interest....if he's just a little too casual about you....he's playing you. And the worst part is, you're letting him. 

Yet, almost every guy I know behaves like this...because they know it works. It doesn't make them all assholes. It just makes them less courageous.  Although many of these guys who act like this are in fact assholes. But you still can't judge a book by it's cover right? Even the "good" guys play this nonchalant game with you especially when they're crazy about you. And why? Because they know it's the safe way to operate and that it's proven over and over to work! They may not like doing it, but you've made it a necessary evil because of your "fine line" of desire vs desperation.

Contrary to women's perceptions, no man is ever desperate to be with a woman....Obsessed? or Crazed? Maybe.  Like we can't get you out of her head because you make us feel like we're on top of the world when we're around you? Yes. Guilty.  But desperate? That's an emotion we get if when we don't have enough money to pay rent or if our team hasn't won a Championship since 1908 (see Cub fan...they're a fucking desperate bunch) But desperate for a woman?  Never. It doesn't even make sense. Never crossed our mind.

So next time a guy calls too much or leaves flowers on your doorstep or sends that extra text or writes some rambling overly affectionate 30 page email (JK on that one...maybe) don't mistake his crazed desire for lonely desperation. 

Some men aren't afraid to actually listen to their hearts. And one of them may just be the guy that surprises you and steals yours.