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Thursday, July 12, 2012

How Men and Women Differ on 6 Basic Needs

Despite our obvious differences most people like to say men and women are more alike than not, and that, in the end, we all want the same things. I'm going to easily debunk this assertion using the simplest of examples; our 6 basic needs.

1.  Food
Women wonder if it will make them fat;
Men wonder if it will satisfy their appetite.

2.  Water
Women wonder if it will make them in bloated;
Men wonder about the shrinkage factor.

3.  Shelter
Women wonder if there's a big enough closet in there for both her clothes and her shoes;
Men wonder what's the cost/square foot of that shelter that will house said large closet.

4.  Clothing
Women wonder if will make them look fat (or hot);
Men wonder when women will take off their clothing.

5.  Oxygen
Women wonder what channel it is;
Men wonder if what happened in the film Total Recall with the air could really happen.

6.  Love
Women wonder if they will ever know true love;
Men love Beer, Sex, Balls, Dogs, Family Guy, The Three Stooges, ScarFace, Caddyshack, Rocky, Swingers, I Love You Man, Whazzzuppppp, Bull Durham, Animal House, The Sopranos,  The Man Show (the original with Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla), American Chopper, Farting, Belching, Eating, Sleeping, Quiet, Cars, Their Mother, MILFS, Cougars, Strippers, Porn Stars, Playmates, Pets, Victoria's Secret Models, Hooters Waitresses, Cheerleaders, Smoking Cigars, Sports, Rock & Roll, Bill Clinton, David Letterman, Howard Stern, Bruce Springsteen (if you're a real man anyway), Gambling, All Tom Cruise movies (except maybe Vanilla Sky), Angelina Jolie, Angelina Jolie's lips, Redheads, Brunettes, Blondes, The Word "Pussy", Pussy, Fake Hair (just kidding), Real Breasts, Fake Breasts (not kidding, just so long as they still appear real), Big Asses, Small Asses, Long Hair, Straight Hair, Wavy but not quite Curly Hair, A little Hair, No Hair, Clean feet and toes (clean enough to touch and, taste...if you can't keep your feet clean we wonder about the rest of your parts), High Heeled Shoes, A Woman's Smile, Pie (any fruit kind will do), Cake (as long as it's cheese or ice cream), Meat, Potatoes, Meat & Potatoes, Art Museums (as long as there's naked photos, paintings or statues), Pumping Gas, Buzz Summer Road Trip 2012 on AT&T Uverse Cable because of the hot young perky host Nicole Dabeau (, The World According to Henry (YouTube it), Being the Man, Being Silly, Being Stupid, Being Smart, Being Strong, Being Sexy and finally.....Pudding & Naps (the last two were for my friend Jeff Garlin...yes that Jeff Garlin).

Face it. We are different. We think differently. We act differently. We feel differently. It's time we all just embraced our fascinating differences...accept them....enjoy them...and stop trying to be like the other. Neither of us can change. Men will always be from Mars. Women will always be from Venus.