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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

She's Not Coming Back

I know it. My friends know it. And she knows it. Yet, all I think about is the "what if" and "what could have been".  I'm tortured by it. Every day. From the moment I wake up it's my first thought. It's like nothing I've ever felt before. If I could purge the memories of her from my head I most certainly would. I need a Total Recall.

In general, I've found men never really get over a lost love. The saying "Women regret the ones they slept with and Men regret the ones they didn't" speaks more to the difficulty men have in letting go of a broken heart. I still think about the one who got away in college 20 years ago.  Finding a new love seems to be the only plausible solution, but of course, if it was as easy as snapping your fingers, then no one would ever dwell on unrequited love.

Somehow I've lucked into being with a few other women in the 2 1/2 years since, and while they satisfied in the moment, they were not this other girl. I did not nearly have the kind of connection with them or desire for them like I had with this other one. She was, by far, extraordinarily different over than anyone else I dated.  I fear she will always linger with me...never leaving my damaged psyche, much less escaping my heavy empty heart.  I'm beholden to her....her self-tormented prisoner.

What makes it especially hard is that I know this one was genuinely nuts about me. The way she looked at me, smiled at me, kissed me, touched me....ferociously inhaled me. I've been with enough women that have been "into" me to compare.  Keep in mind she asked me to give my mother a kiss for her after we had only seen each other 3 times.  And, I was, by and far and way, more attracted to her than anyone else previous.  Of course that plays a factor in my intense feelings too. I couldn't wait to wake up next to her, hold her in my arms, listen to her voice. Unfortunately, she also apparently felt this way about someone else too. Or at least had already established a much deeper connection with, even though our initial chemistry may have been stronger. Our type of connection just doesn't happen. And I've had some pretty remarkable instant connections with women.

For reasons I'll never completely understand, she chose to work through it with the other guy, rather than start something new with me. How she could simply ignore our chemistry and passion will always be  sadly inexplicable.  I never asked her to choose between us. She did so on her own. When she finally spoke to me about it she tried to tell me it was "bad timing" and if she had met me first we'd be dating. That did not lessen the sting of her ultimate rejection. And despite her cold fucking text that called us off and her repeated callous reactions after, I remain focused on her positive attributes. She was everything any guy would want in a woman...playful, smart, witty, intoxicating sexy and incredibly sexual. She was also controlling, manipulative, insensitive and selfish....qualities I wish would be the ones to affect me most.

Despite the fact that I know she doesn't give a shit about how I feel or how she made me feel, I'm still torn up over my entire experience with her. I can vividly recall every detail from when we first met until our last contact. It's as if it happened yesterday. After I first asked her out and she told me "we should definitely go out" I remember feeling so on top of the world. It was as if all my hopes and dreams were answered and I could finally be happy.

Ever since she abruptly ended our brief affair my life itself has been in a downward spiral. And I'm at a loss on how to turn it around. Therapy? Drugs? Move to another world? One thing I do realize is this no longer has anything to do with her or how she may have teased me or how she handled getting rid of's all on me. I'm the one who's been unable to deal with it.

The question everyone asks is, why has she had such a devastating impact on me? What was it about her? What is it about me? Am I too loving a person? Too sensitive? Too emotional? Too crazy?  Perhaps all of those things....but I also know there's got to be something more. 

Truth is I've never had the kind of relationship with a woman that I hoped to have with this one. And when you're 38 years old and that possibility suddenly, and prematurely vanishes, it's crushing. Within 5 minutes I've meeting her I wanted her to meet everyone I knew...including my parents.  I had never been more sure of anyone in my life. To then discover she may have never actually been the woman I thought she angel, a dream, a promise of's the disappointment of not experiencing more of her that has far outweighed my reality spent with her. My fantasy is what's ruined me.

Writing about it in a number of these posts has mostly been therapeutic for me, and if nothing else, wildly entertaining for you; but it's no longer working. Nothing is.

I've thought for the longest time if I could just talk to her...ask her some still unanswered questions...maybe that would help. But she's never going to agree to that...nor could I ever truly trust her answers. How could I?

In the end, she's never going to be part of my solution. Nor is another woman for that matter. I'm the only one who can fix me. Now, if I only knew how.