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Monday, February 27, 2012

How a Man's Broken Heart Affects Him

Too much emphasis is placed upon a man's dick and how that is the one head which leads him. Besides our mother, it's the only thing we listen to, right? 

While I admit men appear, at times, to let their genitalia rule, we are far more affected by what's in our hearts then what we've led women to believe. Just not all of us allow ourselves to show it publicly.

I once asked a close male friend of mine about an emotional issue I was having with a woman and whether or not he ever thought like I did. His response? "Hell yeah I do! But I'm never going to let her know I feel that way, let alone share it with anyone else. Have some pride. Keep that shit to yourself!"  This is the same man whose wife told me that when she threatened to leave him when they were still dating because he wasn't acting like he gave a shit about her and who then proceeded to break down in tears, and begged her to reconsider. He promised to stop being "cool" with her. So that's what it is all about with most men. Pride. Ego. Deal with it internally. Boys don't cry, right?

I've always thought how men behave when it comes to revealing their real feelings is a bunch of bullshit. "Manning up" should mean not being afraid to let it out or express what's troubling us. And women all say they want to hear us and wish we'd open up more to them.  Well...I call bullshit on that too because what women  say they want and what women actually want are two very different things. Rarely do I have a woman I've cared about allow me  the time or space to express exactly what I'm feeling and thinking, and then be comfortable enough to discuss it rationally with me.

So how does all this bottled up emotion affect our heart when it's been broken?  

More than you think.

With no available outlet our heart crumbles faster than a crushed bag of chips.

A man's broken heart leads him down one of two paths....both of which are naturally and ironically tied to sex.  Either he looks to overcome his heartbreak by sport fucking....trying to fuck as many new woman as he can to help him forget about his woes and replenish his self esteem and bruised ego, or, he travels down the opposite path where he adopts a monk like existence fueled by a complete lack of sex drive. 

Mikey from Swingers was once at such a crossroads.

Personally, I've never been the kind to go fucking crazy in part because I'm too smart to think any volume of pussy is going to fill the bottomless void felt in the now empty space that once contained my heart. Plus I don't want to go through the added frustration of rejection and the accompanying self loathing that goes with it.  However, many men jump back on the horse very quickly. They let their penis do their talking. They find comfort swimming in a sea of naturally boosts and replenishes their fragile egos while their heart continues to mend.  

The reason men love Swingers so much because it perfectly captures the evolution of a man working through heartbreak. How we think. How we feel. How men can help each other with compassion and warmth and yet, at the same time, continue to bust each other's balls mercilessly. It's all there. This film is so beautiful in every sense it should be required viewing for all women upon turning 16. A Swingers Sweet Sixteen. Well...maybe wait until you're legal and out of the house. 18. After all, the film was rated R.

So good for Mikey...he's finally on his road to recovery...of course he fucks it up in the very next scene after he successfully gets the woman's digits only to call and leave too many messages.  Point being...Mikey is ready.  He's out there again.

Some guys never recover and never rebound. I know several who've completely shut it down. They don't date. They don't talk much about dating. They don't flirt. They make no effort. One guy I know makes negative effort, if that's even possible...He actually avoids putting himself in direct situations with women. These guys are so heart broken, disappointed and frustrated they've not only lost hope...they've lost interest. Although...every one of them still wants to fuck if the opportunity were to suddenly present itself.  I guess they're at the point where they no longer care if they get laid. And for a guy...that is the ultimate low bottom.

Sting said it best, Love can mend your life But Love can break your heart.

A little more than two years ago I let a woman devastate me to the point that set me on a path toward virtual monkhood. To no longer desire a woman you first have to not want to want to be with one. And after experiencing the single greatest natural connection of my life...the kind everyone dreams about, but never actually believes is possible.....I couldn't fathom ever going through such a disappointment again.  

We randomly met one another at her favorite band's concert for probably 5 minutes. As soon as she opened her mouth I knew I wanted to date her...even though I had been battling a previous heartbreak in which I was still withdrawn from engagement with in which a friend casually proclaimed may be the love of my life. Hey I took that shit to heart.  But this connection was too good to pass up...and of course, I wanted to rip her clothes off as soon as I saw her. I sensed something was there with her too...for she gave me her number before I could ask for it. The next day I texted her something funny and asked her out. She responded immediately "We should definitely go out."  Now, I'm never in a grey area when it comes to dating....women either love me right away or want nothing to do with me. That's what happens when you have such an extreme personality as I do.  Yet, even with such a black and white reaction  to me I've never had a woman so definitively wish to go out with me. It blew my mind. Just like that, I was on top of the world.

We flirted some more...we talked...we texted....and sexted.  I wrote poetry about her...took pictures of her street sign (her last name is a famous street) and we saw each other a few times. It worked. Until she suddenly, abruptly, called it off.

The thing that bothered me most about the ordeal was how she held our connection in so little regard and value. She just didn't care. And you say, "Well maybe what you were feeling was one sided on your part..."  I've never been more sure of anything in my life. The way she looked at me...the way she kissed me...the way she held me...there was no mistaking her heart....unfortunately, her head was telling her she had already made up her mind to be with someone else...who she met well before I arrived on the scene. Don't believe me yet? Get a load of how she talked to me.

After we kissed for the first time...passionately and repeatedly...she pulled back and exclaimed "Ughhh! This is torture! Thanks for ruining my life. I thought I had everything figured out." And then she kissed me again...and again....and again. After our first night together she texted me before I even got home telling me what an amazing time she had and can't wait to see me again. Eventually, she would tell me how much she needed to see me. That she loved my smell, my taste, my laugh, my quirkiness...the way my hair poofed up. The last time she saw me, right before I went home for Thanksgiving, she told me to kiss my mother for her. I wanted to take her home so she could do it herself. I only knew her 2 months at that point, but I honestly could have taken her home after our initial 5 minute meet.  That's how sure I was of her...and how comfortable I felt with her.  But  still, there was a problem. She had someone else. And for whatever reason she was not going to let me stand in the way...despite the fact she thought how love life was cursed because the sex with this guy was terrible, as was the sex with her previous who she remained with for 6 years despite the bad sex. And she then tried to assure me how important sex was to her. Yeah. It made no sense. So yeah. She was crazy. And didn't know what the fuck she wanted.

While I was aware of all these red flags....I was locked in...none of it mattered. The only thing that mattered was how were connecting...on both a physical and emotional level. I could say anything to her. And she certainly had no problem saying anything to me.

So anyway, the fateful blow came via text while I was still home. "Sorry, but I can't see you anymore. I'm going though some personal problems. Hope you understand. Nice getting to know you." Cold. Callous. Heartless.

I can't explain the why or provide any rational reason why I should care so much for someone I barely knew, all I can tell you is exactly how I felt at the time. I couldn't breathe. I felt sick. Like every hope and dream I ever had evaporated. I was at a loss and lost. Angry. Bitter. Devastated.

It didn't help me that we met on an ominous date 9/9/09 or that her last name happened to be coincidentally stitched into the back of the shorts I was wearing that very day. To her, none of that mattered because I never mattered.

I kind of sensed I was in trouble when she aborted her orgasm by bolting off of me just before she could climax. She claimed she was a screamer and didn't want to wake her roommate. She also admitted to holding back, but giving no further reason. I knew why. It was all bullshit. She didn't want me to give her something her boyfriend couldn't. And for the record, she didn't get serious with this other guy until after she said Yes to going out with me...which also makes very little sense.  It was a lot of nonsense for one man to take. 

She never did allow me the opportunity to talk to her properly.  She had no interest in sharing with me what was going on in her head...and had even less interest in remaining friends. And yeah I know about the whole men and women can't be friends if one wants to sleep with the other.


Hey...I was willing to give it a shot. Shoot me for trying to be mature about the situation.  Sleeping with her. Not sleeping with her. I just felt like we'd both be better off having one another in each other's lives. Fuck being realistic.  And, of course I made many failed attempts which just left her thinking I'm the crazy one. All I ever wanted was to talk to her...try to understand. But she just didn't care. I told her she was an emotional ninja and to call me when her heart no longer needed a scarf.

Fast Forward to now.  I am monk. While I say that and try to practice it....I still am attracted to women. That hasn't changed. That won't change. I love women. Correction. I want to love women. A man can only love a woman by how much she's willing to allow him to. And at the same time I try to help women understand how men feel and think through this blog and through this documentary I've been producing called 20 Questions, where I'm asking 20 different women the same 20 questions on men, love and dating. Wanna' hear some life imitating art?  The woman who tore my heart up wrote a screenplay, before she met me, about a woman who gives up sex because she had her heart broken.

I did have another fling with someone several months later who also had boyfriend issues. We had begun a  friendship while she was still with him, and then out of nowhere, they broke up and we hooked up. Looking back I think it was something we both needed, but also knew it was never going anywhere between us.

But since then nothing. A couple of attempted one-night stands only because they both fell into my lap...but my heart wasn't in it....and neither was their' it didn't end up happening in either case.  As part of my ongoing monking battle I've given up more than sex. Like many of the men I mentioned earlier, I've given up hope.

I don't want to want. Be desireless. Be at peace. And then, just when I was feeling comfortable with my celibacy I met someone else. 

As cautious and aware as I am about women and what I'm actively trying to avoid....when you meet someone and have an instant connection you can fight it all you want, but if it's is what it is...and there's no denying it. The only question is "Will you do anything about it?"

A couple of months ago I interviewed one such woman for my 20 Questions. The typical interview session lasts 2 hours. This one went 6. By the time we hugged goodbye...which was an above average hug goodbye.... I knew I had a decision on my hands.

As quickly as I felt something for her I just as quickly decided to do nothing. I'm not ready. And I don't want to be ready. Plus she had just recently cut ties with some loose ends, relationship wise, and I just thought it wasn't right to do anything. There were two other factors...she claimed to like "big lips and big assess" on guys...neither of which I had...although later I'd find out from her she liked "nice" asses and "nice" lips...but I can play back the tape if she wants. I know what I heard.  But the biggest piece of information which I considered....right or wrong...was that she was from the same hometown as the girl that previously fucked my shit up. I never told her that...not that it would have made any kind of difference in how she felt about me...only for her to understand why I was a bit reluctant to pull the trigger. And I did not find out about her hometown until I asked her to do the Questions...just saying that so you don't go and think I intentionally set this whole thing up for failure. If you've learned anything about me through this blog is that I'm an open book and do not play games. And I absolutely, unequivocally, do not manipulate. 

With all that said we continued to communicate after the Interview...texting, emailing...late night talks. I was like her gay boyfriend who offered candid straight advice on men (that is what I do)....

Naturally, the more we talked the closer we got and the closer I came to telling her how I felt. Just getting a short text from her with a little smiley face was enough to put a smile on my face. Not only did I enjoy listening to what she had to say she had an effect on for the first time in awhile I had a woman who I was attracted to make me feel good about myself. She was also a Libra...and she told me her best friend was one too. When I told her about my "situation" and why I was monking...yeah she knew all about it....she defended me and called that other woman a cunt. Said I deserved better and to be treated better.

It had been a couple of weeks since the Interview and we still hadn't seen each other again in part because of her ridiculous schedule...not atypical for Los Angeles women who are all filled with insatiable career hunger and self preservation...and in part because I didn't ask to see her. This time I was the one holding back. We almost got together late night Super Bowl Sunday if I hadn't turned my phone down and passed out. She called at 11:30pm...only to text again at 930am wondering what happened to me "last night?" Who knows what she had in mind that night. Maybe something. Probably nothing. But if we had gotten together, I was prepared to tell her how I was feeling.

So that day I told her to plan on going to the Grammy's the following Sunday...but I was thinking it was just a way to spend some time together. I could care less about going and I told her there was a chance we might not get in. I had a small possibility of either getting tickets or sort of crashing it...and I told her all that to curb her enthusiasm...cause she was extremely "I got to buy a new dress" kind of excited. I joked that I didn't need that kind of pressure.

At any rate, she did buy a new dress...which she rocked...and made me want to, if not rip off, aggressively remove...but I still played it cool. Unfortunately, we didn't end up getting in and went back to her place to change and go to dinner.  I felt horrible at the whole thing knowing how disappointed she was but at least she still wanted to hang out. As we drank at dinner she began opening up some more to me...telling me things and showing me some pics on her phone that were either meant to severely test my monkhood or just reinforce to herself that I was a harmless asexual.  After dinner she offered to go out to a bar, but I suggested we just go back to her place to watch the Grammy's. She was cool with it, but had no booze at home and we'd have to stop to buy some. OK. Drinks. Her place. Stopping to buy alcohol.....oh yeah, and she clarified her love of "big butts big lips" at dinner to "nice" butt "nice" lips....and declared that she was going commando and declared "I'm a horny chick."  Eventually there's only so much a monk can take.

We sat on the couch and watched and kept drinking...and I started rubbing her feet...and then we're curled up together and suddenly she's telling me this horrific story about something that happened to her...and she starts tearing up and getting very emotional about her life...well fuck...anyone with half a pulse would feel for her at that point. I already cared for before this. Now all I wanted to do was make her feel beautiful and forget all her pain and troubles...I went to kiss her...ever so softly and gently....she kissed back, and before you know it we were kissing pretty intensely. And then it happened.

She breaks away and questions what is going on. But not in the traditional sense like "Oooh! What are you doing?" No that wouldn't fit my profile. Instead, she asks me "Why didn't you tell me how you felt before Friday?" What was Friday? She had the best first date of her life and is "head over heels for him". Of course she is. I said "Please don't tell me I just ruined your life and that you thought you had everything figured out."

She wanted to know "Why her?" and "Why now?" as if I was suppose to fully be able to explain my suddenly surprising lack of monking. Rightfully so, she said she felt "betrayed" and misled, but I tried to assure her that was not my intention. I tried to get her to just enjoy the moment we were in and that we didn't need to have "the discussion" this second. Besides, when does one date (Friday night) or one kiss (now) mean you're in a serious relationship?  So we kissed some more...and then some must have gone and on... for a couple of hours because it was almost 3am and now she's totally freaked out at the time. That she had to get up at 8 and I had to we kissed again goodbye at the door...and it was a long slow intimate type where I lingered ever so delicately on her lower lip. She didn't seem to be complaining or rushing that one either.

My Bullshiting advice giving friend with the wife commented to me how I should have continued "playing the gay card" because "it works".  What an asshole. That's typical from him and every other man I know. Always scheming to get laid....but that's not what I do...never have....unfortunately my girl here is on the Bullshitter's side and doesn't trust me at all now. She's clearly been hurt and repeatedly disappointed by men and just thinks we're all full of shit and all just trying to get in her pants. I never thought about fucking her that night at her place...just kissing her and holding her was enough...and if she wanted it to go further I would have...but I would have loved her that one was getting fucked...well...maybe I was...cause now I've not only lost someone I cared about and thought of as a friend....but I'm back to feeling shitty about myself and women. So if anyone got fucked out of certainly wasn't her.

Well...the next day she was still "processing" it all...not sure what to make of it.  If she had come out and told me she felt nothing and was not attracted to me at all then it would have been over and we'd be able to go on being friends again...cause much as I wanted to kiss her and always wanted to kiss her...I was still resistant to the idea of wanting to be with a woman again. But she didn't say any of those things. Instead all she could focus on was her anger and my so called deception.

Another day goes by and she texts me admitting that she's been thinking about it a lot and the more she thinks about it the angrier she's getting. She tells me over the phone she's "brewing". Well...I tell her we need to talk in person about this cause clearly we have trust issues going on and if we're going to remain friends we need to see each other. She's hesitant and makes me feel now that she doesn't give a shit....and never gave a shit about our developing friendship. What exactly is she so mad at now?  She got her man...the one she's head over heels I already had apologized and sent a brief email which explained everything...but she's not buying it. She thinks I treated her like a "science project". I think she liked the kiss a bit too much and is pissed at that fact.

It's amazing how one event like a simple kiss can change everything that was built prior to that moment. All that love she showed me when I told her about that other woman is completely disregarded because now she thinks I'm like every other guy. I'm sure all of her friends are backing her on this one, reinforcing what a jerk I am and how I'm so not worth it. Funny...but all my female friends back me....and that's now always the case. It's rarely the case actually.

So she wants more time to get past her anger before talking to me.  I'm not good with time and waiting. Women are however. The woman to start this story told me she needed time to tell me what was really going on with her.  As far back as college I had a woman who liked me a lot...we talked every night on the phone before going to bed...except she had just ended her first serious relationship and she gave me the "I need time" card. Well...some time later...she did come to me and tell me she was ready and wanted to give us a chance. What did I do? I told her I couldn't just flip the switch now that she said to (even though I could).  To this day I regret it.

I texted her today since it's been over a week just to ask how she was doing. She wrote back "Fine."  That was it. As in...that was it it, she doesn't give a shit. So now what's left of my heart is broken again...but in a very different way than before. I'm more disappointed in her reaction and to her seemingly "I don't give a shit what you have to say" attitude.

I asked my closest female friend, one who I've known for more than 20 years, "How do I get a woman I like to care?" And she responds, "In LA?"....maybe it is this fucking town.

Whoever said time heals all wounds was never the one hurt.  Hearts never really heal.....sure, the bleeding may stop, but a scar always remains.

And that my the whole truth.

With all that said, you didn't think I was gonna let you go without dropping a Springsteen clip or two on you? Here's Brokenhearted captured and sung beautifully from a man's perspective. And then the classic Thunder Road, a song that tells the story of  many a men's romantic hearts and endless dreams. Enjoy this double shout of  Bruce. He's one who doesn't disappoint...and gets exactly how we men feel when it comes to women.