An open and honest hetero man (yes, it's possible) offering bold advice for loving and dating heterosexual men. The naked truth behind how men feel and think about women.
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Benjy is a comedy writer for The Howard Stern show and he's been dating this woman Elisa for several months now. Although, they've known each other for nearly a year. What makes the story so fascinating is that when Benjy first introduced Elisa to the Stern Show audience a year ago he was in love with her, and she was physically repulsed by him. Maybe not repulsed...but certainly not attracted enough to date him. At the time she maintained what a great guy ("friend") he was, but there was nothing going on downstairs for her...and most likely never going to happen. Benjy is a schlub. A funny, entertaining schlub...but a schlub nonetheless. Here's a picture of the two from early in the "friend" zone relationship.
Not to be deterred by her lack of arousal...Benjy proceeded to woo and cough cough...charm...until....Fast forward to yesterday on the show and this Elisa is now madly in love with Benjy...completely 100% obsessed, deeply devoted and extremely turned on by the same guy she found initially highly unattractive. Here's the current photo of the happy couple to prove it.
I would provide an audio clip from the show so you could hear Elisa tell the story of her transformation in her own words but that would require 1. Me having to listen to it again. and 2. You having to listen to it.
Seriously, it's nauseating...well maybe a little romantic...but mostly nauseating. Trust me. Essentially, they kissed....and then she allowed him to...taste her....and well...the rest as they say is history. OK. So, how is this related to how men think?
There's 3 kinds of men who pursue women...
1. The kind who will go out and put forth any and all effort required to get with a woman they like. Nothing will deter them. Persistence. Benjy is that guy. So is George Costanza....who believes he can grow on women...like mold....but in a good way.
2. Then there's the kind (like me) that will do whatever it takes as well...just like Benjy....but only if we believe the woman is already attracted to us. It's hard enough to convince a girl to go out when she does like you...never mind one that has no interest, at first, in seeing you naked. I also believe in that instant connection and spark. If there's no flame burning from the beginning I'm not sticking around to see how long it takes to start the fire. I'm cold and I'm hungry. I need heat and something to eat. And I need it now.
3. Finally, the 3rd kind of guy in this world doesn't give a shit. Puts out minimal to no effort. If you like me, great. If you don't, be gone. Next.
I ask a lot of women which guy they prefer and surprisingly many...too many...pick guy #3. These woman explain they don't want a guy to be too excited about going out with them because it puts too much pressure on them. Ha. And you wonder why so many have cheated on you? If you don't care...why should they? You want pressure? Pressure is opening a condom quickly...and then trying to put it on even quicker because we're worried this pause in momentum may just be enough for you to change your mind or worse...cause us to lose our hard on. That's pressure. Liking me?...That's not pressure. That's relief. Too many women have it all backwards.
But I digress. Back to men.
What was I talking about? Oh...how men feel about the Benjy Elisa situation. It makes us think women are nuts...that she could be so turned off one day....and the next....the guy is the most handsome striking lover she's ever had. And while Elisa will go on and on how charming and thoughtful and kind and what a wonderful person Benjy is....the simple reason she's so transfixed now is because sexually, he took her to places she's never been. In other words...schlubby Benjy rocked Elisa's world. And she freely admitted this on the air. She's fully aware of what happened.
Which now brings me to another thought on how men think. And that is. We know of we take care of you sexually...we own you...not in the possession sense...but rather, in the mind control manner. We are now in your head and you can't get us out. It's a weird thing to equate sexual dominance with emotional control, but that's exactly what's going on between Elisa and Benjy. Elisa actually spends time worrying about losing Benjy to other women...even to famous women who come on the show. She was terrified of revealing how good of a lover Benjy is because other girls would hear this and then go after him. She said all this on the air.
And in the end....that's why Benjy stuck it out...because he knew if could get in her pants...he would get in her head. He already had her heart. She confessed long ago to loving him as a friend. It wasn't until he got in her pants that she started thinking about him differently. And that's why so many men are willing to stick it out...to stick it in. A lot of women think it's because we just want to get laid and get ourselves off because we're dirty dogs. Nope. The real smart men (or manipulators) stick it out because they know once they stick it in....good...the key is that it has to be good...once we do that...your mind is mush...for us.
And that's not the only reason we're willing to put in the effort. A lot of us...most of us...think that until we seal the deal with you...you're never going to like us as much as we want you to. Think about that. We want to rock your world so you'll like us even more than you already do. That's the main reason why we try so hard to have sex with you. It's not always because we're horny...yes..we always want to have sex with you because we're horny...but more so, it's to get you like to us more. And Benjy, as smart and as calculating as he is...was fully aware of how important it was to get naked with Elisa to move the relationship forward...or in his case bottomless..... dude won't take his shirt off....I told you he was schlubby.
I'm not sure what all this says about women...or men.....that's for you to decide.....but it certainly says something.
While I had been looking forward to this day for awhile…much like Larry David I had to "curb my enthusiasm"…for all I knew she was still dating this other guy and had no interest in anything but just meeting up with me for a meal.
At the last minute she called to switch it from a lunch to dinner. Something came up. OK. No problem. Lunch, dinner, breakfast whatever...at least she wasn't canceling.
I was oddly relaxed the day of...like I already knew things were going to go well. No pre-game warm-up...i.e.…cleaning the pipes (rubbing one out).…This was just a casual friendly dinner.
I suggested Jones Café which is one of my favorite spots in LA…probably cause it’s got more of a NY vibe to it...and the food’s awesome…I go there a lot after concerts or games to eat and hang out cause it’s one of the few places in LA to serve decent food after midnight.
She loved the idea...and as it turned out she'd lived within walking distance. I had a couple of cocktails at the casa before meeting her over there…and again, it had nothing to do with being nervous or anything like that…After a 3-minute meeting, a few texts and one very engaging 30-minute phone conversation I already felt extremely comfortable with her.
I got there first and waited up at the bar…I wanted to see her walk in and happened to catch her just as she entered. You can always tell how someone feels about you from that first reaction and she did not disappoint. She spotted me and came over…her smile grew brighter the closer she got…she looked sexy as hell…pretty much exactly how I remembered her…she gave me a big tight hug...I held her for a little longer wanting to see how she felt in my arms…she felt pretty fucking good…no surprise there….as she backed away I could tell she was soaking me in trying to make more sense of me. I think I even said “Soak me in. Go ahead.”
She thought I kind of looked different…or not exactly what she remembered…Scalper Steve vs Cleaned Up Steve…I don’t know…she thought I was a bit more intellectual looking…probably cause of my glasses…but clearly whatever going through her head was positive. I sensed that immediately.
We got a table and some drinks right away…yadda yadda….some 6 hours later I was rolling around in her bed. Details…details…OK…not to worry…unlike Jerry, I could never get too old or mature for details…
First off, I’ll repeat…I went into this date with zero expectations…originally we were going to have lunch but she changed it to dinner and when she did that I told her she was in charge….and early in the evening it was clear she was not treating this little get together so professionally and I called her out on it.
She said, “You told me I was in charge. So…I’m in charge and I’ll ask what I want to ask.”….Job interview questions these were not…I admit I was enjoying the shit out of her directness.…she thought she’d try and make me squirm or be uncomfortable…you know just to kind of mess with me…but it wasn’t working…it was only making me like her even more…I couldn’t take my eyes off her…the alcohol wasn’t the only thing getting me buzzed….and she kept leaning over the table touching my arm…if she wasn’t doing some heavy legit flirting she sure knew how to fake it….Meg Ryan watch out.
I don’t know how many times the waitress came over asking if he wanted to order some food…we never opened our menus…the entire night…we ended up sharing an appetizer, some drinks and that’s it. Other than thinking how incredibly cool and beautiful this chick was…here are the highlights of our 5 plus hours at the restaurant…yes...we were there for 5 hours. And no awkward pauses either.
She doesn’t watch TV, but loves Seinfeld….and dogs…what's left? Oh...yeah. Bruce. She's not exactly a fan. Ouch. I was willing to overlook that for the time being. I figured that would change soon enough. She liked me. She'd come around.
The Sex with "Mr. Serious" is terrible…yes…she volunteered that info…at the same time reaffirming to me how important sex is to her…check please….I wondered why the need to tell me about the importance of sex or the state of her current sexual relationship.
I said the only obvious honest reaction I could have, “Well, I guess that means you’re done with him then."
Well...not exactly…she neither confirmed nor denied anything…just smirked at me. Not a good sign.
No shit the sex with "Mr. Serious" was terrible…She was out with another dude (at the Dave Matthews concert) and wanting to go out with a 3rd dude…me…2 weeks before he suddenly became "Mr. Serious."
She then went on to tell me how her last serious relationship lasted 6 years, but after 6 months she just wasn’t into it sexually anymore and knew it was over…so I asked her how she could stay with the guy another five and half years?...Right?! She sounds completely insecure and crazy right about now. Her answer? “He was my best friend.” I told her she could still have been friends with the guy without being in a miserable unsatisfying relationship with him.
She goes on to tell me "I think I'm cursed." Hah! I almost fell out of my chair. She’s cursed?! First of all, you cannot be cursed when every man…straight or gay, along with most women, lesbian or not, wants to be with you. Her only curse is that she lacks the necessary courage and confidence required in her personal relationships to make her happy…she thinks more with her head than she does with her heart…the only way to be happy is to listen to her (your) heart…ask Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers….
The head may be logical, but love is not. If anything, it’s irrational. After what she just told me…it’s obvious….and logical…how happy could she be right now? Remember, she took another guy to see her favorite band and then she said she wanted to go out with me the next day.
And as far as her “terrible sex”...any guy that can’t get her to have the most mind blowing sexual experience has something wrong with them…she’s the sexiest woman I’ve ever known…and I’m saying this before I ended up naked with her…ooops…spoiler alert….
But I suspect there's something else going on here. Professionally, she’s got all the confidence she needs….she was so proud of her short film she just directed and wanted me to see it. Business girl needs to have a coffee talk sit down with relationship girl. The thing about loving and being loved is that you have to be willing to surrender control to your partner. Let love lead...I'd be willing to bet that she's sexually frustrated because she tries to control her love making rather than just let it happen. Real intimacy doesn't come from control. It comes from letting go. Relax. And free yourself to love.
Naturally, she asks about my past relationships….it’s a subject I try to avoid with women because nothing good can come from talking about them…obviously, things have never really worked out or I wouldn’t be sitting here with you…she pressed me…she wanted to know how long my longest one had been…I wanted to be honest with her…but I knew it would throw up a red flag…I told her I had never been in what she would call a long-term relationship…6 months tops…now at my age…I’m 38…I came clean on my age too…even though I know you wonder what’s up with someone who hasn’t been at least engaged or close to it by then…I didn’t feel the need to hide anything…and I can usually get away with 32…I think she guessed I was 34, 35…Luckily I’m still aging well even though my heart, at times, feels twice as old as I look.
So anyway, now she thinks I’m this free-spirited playboy player type…afraid of commitment…all that shit…and I tried to explain that wasn’t the case at all…but I never really did a good job of it…if anyone’s cursed at this table it would be me…I've had a couple of girls who could’ve been long termers, but either they weren’t ready or they weren’t interested…on the flip side, I’ve been with several girls who absolutely adored me and wanted more from me…but it just wasn’t there for me. Many people need to be in a relationship. I'm not one of those. I don’t need to be with anyone. Meeting women is not a problem for me. Meeting women who I want be in a relationship with is. And when I meet someone I like...well...that like is probably exponentially greater than most because of how difficult it is for me to find someone I connect with on both a physical and emotional level. And that’s the short of it.
Plus, dating in LA is so fucked…really…it sucks….for the most part, people here are too self absorbed to sustain anything meaningful. I’ve been much more successful outside of LA. A relationship does not work unless you’re willing to put the other’s happiness at a higher level of importance than your own. And that’s rare as shit here in the city of angels. That’s why the best lovers are selfless and cannot usually be found living in Los Angeles …the best lovers do anything to please their partner first….unconditionally.
We got back on the sex talk and I asked her if she knew what the biggest difference between a man and a woman during sex was? She wasn’t sure. I told her a woman is trying to have an orgasm and man is trying not to. She definitely liked how I broke it down. See. I am simple. At this point I felt like I could say anything to her aloud.
What I should have told her exactly what I was thinking. Unlike "Mr. Serious" I didn't need to wait to want to be with her long-term. Just like that I knew I could with her. We could have ended the night right then and I would have woke up feeling the same way. When a guy knows...he knows. We don't need the processing time you females generally do. I think men trust their instincts a bit more.
Instead I went a little philosophical on her. I told her there are generally two kinds of people…either you’re the kind where everything matters or nothing matters. And I was certainly an everything matters person. I don’t know why I felt like sharing all this enlightenment with her...I guess it had to do with all her “interview” questions…and the fact I was trying to keep scoring points…a friend once proclaimed, “Women are the employers and men are the employees…we’re the ones going for the job” …no pun intended…but come to think of it…..
I wanted her to know...early on...that I gave a shit. No game playing here.
And then for some crazy reason I told her about this script I had written called Fate Walks In…she wanted to know about something I had written…and as soon as it rolled off my tongue I regretted it…of course she was going to want to read it when I told her what it was about: A guy thinks his cocktail waitress may just be the love of his life...I told her if we’re still talking in 6 months I’d let her read it.
With all this heavy relationship talk I desperately needed to lighten things up a bit…and I knew just the thing to do it.
I asked for her hand…she wasn’t hesitant at all…just curious…slightly vulnerable…and absolutely adorable…it was time for a ‘lil thumb war…I admitted I had checked out her personal website and knew about the thumb war thing listed under her "special skills." She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to. She just smiled. I could see in her eyes she liked that I had found it…One two three four I declare I was in there…and then we tussled…but she wasn’t really trying…and I was cheating..and she complained that I was lifting my arm off the table…I was…I can’t even remember why we stopped...we just did…or what exactly happened next…I think she may have gone to the bathroom…it was a moment for sure…cinematic…
In some ways I couldn't believe how well things were going so far...and in other ways, it didn't surprise me at all.
Before she came back I swapped seats at our table…I took hers…just to see her reaction plus I was kind of tired of sitting in my chair...she did have a much more comfortable booth…when she returned from the bathroom she playfully looked at me like what the hell are you up to?...That look was something I'll never forget about her and one of the things I found so incredibly endearing. She was fun. Willing to play those little flirty games that heighten the excitement. It turned me on immensely.
I simply told I her wanted to see her in a different light…she smiled, and without hesitating, took my seat…somehow...tonight I seemed to be saying all the right things...maybe I should have played the lottery before I went home…I felt like I could not lose. Truth be told, I felt like I had already won the lottery by this point.
I can’t remember how we got on the topic of her legs…maybe I said something…oh yeah she spilled some water and it kinda’ went all over my pants…I had a wet spot in just the wrong place…of course she laughed at that…she then said something about her wooden leg and could I still love her with her wooden leg? More playfulness.
I reminded her Tony Soprano fucked some Russian woman who had one, so if he could do it certainly I could too….so I reached underneath to grab her leg...and she laughed and said it was her other one. She had a great classic laughs..one of those that you never get sick of hearing.
I instantly grabbed her other leg, and this time, pulled her foot up into my lap…that she liked…a lot. I’m not one to shy from physical contact…she had very sensual feet…not that I have any kind of fetish for them…I just like pretty feet…and it’s a good thing cause how the hell are you going to kiss, caress and suck on some nappy toes?!.....so I’m lightly massaging her foot in my lap and she’s just smiling and now wants to see my foot. Go right ahead…I know I got nice feet….so I put her leg down and drop my foot into her lap…she promptly removes my shoe…holds my foot and smells it…ok….that’s a first…and totally fine with me…only makes me think she’s been with nothing but losers in bed…cause again…no way…can you have bad sex with this chick…impossible….she then takes my sock off….this is all going down in the restaurant at the table….gently inspects my foot and says I do have nice feet and then gently puts my sock back on….I can’t wait to get naked with her…whenever that might be…I could wait a lifetime….it might drive me insane…but I could wait…
By now…we both needed a bathroom break…and I asked her if she knew about all the pictures in the Men’s room…Jones is known to have a lot of racy photos all over their bathroom walls…she came in with me to the men’s room…no one else was in there…my first instinct was to throw her against the wall and deeply kiss her with everything I had…but I showed some restraint…and continued to play it cool…she laughed at the photos and said the woman’s restroom looked the same…she dipped out and that was it…fuck me! Where’s this night going?
When we got back to the table….we got the check and our fortunes…Jones serves Italian, but still dishes out fortune cookies…peculiar…so she grabbed hers first and I can’t recall what it said…other than being kind of unmemorable…and mine?....
Your sensitivity is an asset
We both laughed…see, I tried to tell her I was a sensitive guy…..whether or not it’s actually an asset is up for debate.
So we left the restaurant together and started walking to her car. There was no way I was letting her get in there without kissing her…a full battalion of Army Rangers could have been standing in my way and I would have found a way to get it done. I wanted that very first kiss to feel like it was the last kiss I would ever give her…her last kiss she would ever have...the most tender, passionate, long-lasting lip melting kind….right before we reached her car I think I may have put my arm around her hips and just pulled her softly into me…or she tried to shake my hand like our professional date was some how over…it’s a bit hazy…at any rate, we started kissing almost immediately…her lips were immaculate…I kept thinking…slower, gentler…softer…I lingered on her lower lip as long as I could, but we got more and more passionate and she wasn’t stopping…pretty soon I was sliding my hands up and down her warm exquisite tender body…eventually working my way around her bottom and pressing her harder against me…
She suddenly backed away for a moment to say how wrong this was and that she was seeing someone and she can’t do this and how I have to go…yadda yadda…she kept kissing me….I spun her around a couple of times and pinned against the wall beside a storefront along the sidewalk….it got pretty intense….for first kisses, it was off the charts.
Eventually we ended up in her car after some slight negotiations…and no surprise, we went at it even more….harder…softer….until she kept telling me, “You have to go now!” Only to say, “But wait, just once more”…this went on for like an hour….I suggested we just go back to her place at this point…she lived within walking distance…but she insisted there was no way I was going back there…that was not happening….not tonight anyway.
So she’s trying her best to throw me out and out of nowhere proclaims “This is torture!”
I was flattered. But I understood exactly why she was so tormented by the whole thing. She now had an unexpected dilemma on her hands. Him or me.
I told her on the contrary I was enjoying myself and could go on making out with her and feeling her up all night long…She had this long sexy silver chain around her neck that rested perfectly between her immacualte breasts…it was so sexy and I put that sucker in my mouth and started kissing her chest and tugging on the chain as I held it in mouth…until she couldn’t take it anymore and pushed me away…and then gave me what I can only say was the wackiest, best compliment anyone’s ever given me.
Thanks for ruining my life! I thought I had everything figured out!
As she dramatically put her hands over face and dipped over the steering wheel…obviously, I had fucked her up shit up…bad…good….she didn’t expect to like me as much as she did now….and she’s still in this "other" relationship…however dysfunctional or unsatisfying that one might be…she didn’t say any of that and didn’t need to…it was all over her face…and on her lips….she’s clearly a little crazy in the head, but what woman isn’t?
Women think they know what they want but really they have no idea what they want or when they want it. That’s their greatest fault and problem. A man knows what he wants instantly. No thinking required. That’s why we are “men of action.” Also, what we want on Monday, we want on Tuesday. Wednesday and the following Monday. We're solid as a rock in the what we want department.
And I never wanted anyone more than Miss Madison.
In some ways her theatrics makes me even more attracted to her cause it means she's got passion…and I'm a passionate guy so I need someone who can match my fire.
So she repeats how I have to get the fuck out…and that she’s got to go. She finally throws me out of the car and as I’m walking away she rolls down the passenger window and begs, “Wait! Come back. Just one more.”
This woman truly has no idea what she wants!….so now I lean into kiss her goodbye (again) through the window as I’m standing on the sidewalk, half my body pressed against the car door…the other half inside the car…I tell her how ridiculous this is as she’s got me practically having sex with her door….not fair….so we finally say goodbye and she starts her car…except it won’t start….the battery’s dead…lol.
She gets out and asks me if I got jumper cables. Of course I do…but I don’t tell her that, cause I know once I jump her…I’m outta’ there…I let her know I got triple-A and maybe we’ll just have to wait for them back at her house. Kind of dirty pool on my part…but I knew she really wanted me to come back with her anyway…she just needed a little push….It's not that bad what I did is it? Can you blame me for not wanting the greatest night of my life with a woman to end? Yes. I said it. And I'll repeat it. I felt this was the single best evening I'd ever had with a woman.....
Well...to be fair...there was another that rivaled it...many years ago in NYC with Amber....and coincidentally...another red head...and another first date. In fact, 3 of my best first dates were all with Red Heads. Huh. Hmmmm.
As we turned and walked back toward my car, parked down the street…to my great surprise and excitement she reached to hold my hand…it was nice…very nice….her hand’s the kind every woman should have…soft, tender, delicate…and sized just right. Holding the right woman’s hand is not overrated. And certainly not something most men feel comfortable admitting they like doing. But we do...and I did.....that small romantic gesture on her part meant more to me than you could imagine.
Even though I knew from the moment we met we’d have fun with each other if we ever did go out I could never have predicted it would go as well as it had so far…it was so effortless with her…I’m not saying she was easy…I’m saying she made it easy for me to be myself….and she seemed very comfortable with me as well….
In what can only be another in small coincidences she happened to live right next door to my buddy’s old place…He moved out like 2 weeks ago…and if that wasn't enough, this guy was also from Chicago…two people from Chicago on the same block who I both knew and had met independently of the other.
She led me in the back door and right into her bedroom…it was all bed…she made sure I called triple-A right away…she acted like she didn’t want me hanging around too long…yeah right…I knew this game.
Her roommate checked in with us…now the real test…Apparently she already knew about me cause my girl was like this is Scalper Steve…after some small talk my girl surprised me yet again by telling her roomie that she could go back to bed and she was ok….I knew what that meant…
As soon as the girl closed the door we were back at it…like wild animals in heat. She jumped on top of me as we rolled around in her bed…she felt incredible…I could feel the heat flaming between her legs through her jeans. She was that turned on. She straddled me as I sat up on the edge of the bed to pull her closer against me…she pulled her bra down slightly for me to kiss her breasts...they were amazing…and then...
My phone rang…fucking triple A…15-20 minutes and they were already here…unbelievable…when you really need them they take an hour…I don’t know what her intentions were if we had gone any longer, but I couldn’t wait to find out. For now...the party had ended.
We got back to her car and they jumped her and it started right up…so now she’s trying to do a quick goodbye…oh no....I told her I was gonna’ follow her back just to make sure she got home okay…she agreed, but said I wasn’t coming back in…fine…so we get back there and she really wasn’t letting me in…
We kissed some more outside her place until finally I was ready to give up…and just as well…The only thing I was interested in was just being with her…I didn’t want to leave…We could have stayed up the rest of the night and just talked…but she had to get up early for an edit or something…I had to ask her when I could see her again…I didn’t care if it was going to make me look needy or over anxious…I had already waited over 2 months to see her…and I didn’t want to waste anymore days given how well this night went…she said maybe we could meet up Thursday night after a concert she was going to…and that was the end for now.
She actually texted me before I even made it home, thanking me for a great night.
To my surprise, I had no problem going to bed that night…no tossing and turning…no need for a forced release…I was at peace.
A buddy and I often say to each other if we could find a girl who lights up our life as much Bruce does we’d be the happiest guys in the world…at least for one night, I went to bed feeling that I had found my light.
If you have not read the above yet....I highly suggest you do....otherwise the continued story below won't make as much sense.
I wasn’t just going to give up that easy. We had too much chemistry and I was too attracted to her to just blow this off…I needed to make some sort of statement to her….but what? She told me to "keep in touch". What does that even mean?
While I was in NY I thought of walking over to 69th and Madison and taking a shot of the street sign….her last name is Madison....which I never thought about it at the time but that shit is like EVERYWHERE! Store names...street names in every city...I've seen it in Philly, New Orleans, Tampa. It's ridiculous. My parent's even live down the street from The Madison apartments. Which wouldn't be such a bad thing if this story had a happy ending...but...well...keep reading. I'd later find out her last name isn't even her real name...it's her "stage" name...which I guess only adds to her drama...anyway...
So I went to the corner in NY, snapped the photo and sent it to her with a simple note saying "Scalper Steve found your sign….ha ha ha."
She thought it was so sweet and loved it…how could she not?!….I’d be back in LA in a few weeks and I’d just hit her up then…in the interim, I thought about her a lot…and even wrote some silly poem one afternoon….but of course I never sent it to her at the time….
RED HEADED ANGEL
I wait beneath your sign,
At Madison and sixty-nine,
For my phone to ring
To see if genitalia
Really is your thing.
What might I need to make me King?
Perhaps it’s a vibrating cock ring.
What do I do to pass the time?
Before we meet for reason and for rhyme.
Scalper Steve is who I am
But it’s you K-Red,
And not K-Fed,
Who makes me say God Damn!
Charm and Wit is what I’ve got,
So cast that other fool back into the lot.
Your smile’s soft and sweet
Like an angel in my bed
Curled up against my feet.
At five foot eight and nine
We stand aligned,
If for nothing else,
To wine and dine,
Until we sixty-nined.
Everything I write isn’t award winning, ok?…A girl friend called me the X-rated Dr. Seuss...I'll take that as a compliment.
The pic seemed to clinch the deal to convince her to meet up with me, but her schedule was jammed and I was only back for a week so we never ended up getting together…not even for 5 minutes...no yogurt…no coffee…even though I don’t drink that poison I just wanted some face time with her…see what happened….whatever, but she’s got no urgency anymore…she’s in the “relationship” …so now I’m gone for a couple of more weeks…and back in NYC for another Bruce show…fate appeared again in the form of a weekend Delta special to NY from LA…and I actually ran into a guy I knew from LA in NY who saw that deal and flew in just for the show…so I was gonna’ ask her to fly in that weekend....but, she never called me back…
Nevertheless, when I returned to LA a few days later I texted one more time...if nothing else I'm persistent. Most guys by now would have just let her go and said fuck it….she’s got my number…when she wants to get together she’ll let me know…but I’m not most guys…I actually try….and give a shit.
Here's the text I sent:
Just because I want to rip your clothes off doesn’t mean we can’t still have a professional relationship. I am evolved, slightly.
Well played again on my part…because she replied immediately….
OK. In that case we should definitely go out soon.
She was ready. 2 months after we first met.
Not to look to anxious I suggested a harmless lunch the following week.
A lunch it would be. What could possibly happen over a mid-week lunch?
Contrary to popular belief among women....we want you to talk to us....not necessarily about what we need to pick up at the grocery store or at Bed Bath & Beyond....but how you're feeling. And if we have to, we'll get down on our knees and beg....please....talk to us. And never ever text. TALK. For those of you who can't spend the whole 5:30mins watching this clip...jump to the 2:50 mark.
A girl friend encouraged me to be more personally revealing in these posts...and while I've shared a number of escapades and tid bits I have admittedly held back on the whole enchilada. Instead, I've chosen to write in mostly general terms, explaining how the majority of men behave and think. The next several posts will shed a more insightful light inside the psyche of a man...specifically...this man's, through one extreme experience that forever changed how I think, feel, love and dream about women.
Most of my male friends who know the story all thought pretty much the same thing as me throughout the ordeal...the difference being they wouldn't dare communicate the depth to which I go and reveal what I do publicly...nor would they have let it define them so singularly as I have let it do to me.
The only prelude to the story I'll share is that when a guy meets a woman he knows instantly how he feels about her...not just if he wants to sleep with her....but how he feels about her. As for this upcoming story...I never felt stronger about any woman I'd ever met....and this was after my first 5 minutes with her. Whether or not that feeling proves to be prophetic is another question.
One note about the writing style...it's pure stream-of-conscious...and highly unfiltered. You've been warned.
Part I
A cross country flight….a couple of drinks…a double shot of Californication catch-up…Springsteen’s Brilliant Disguise dialed up on E Street Radio…which I can’t fucking believe that’s the song playing right now…brilliant…you can see the lyrics here…
And so…with that…just like that…I guess I found my inspiration to write.
I should be seeing her tonight…but I’m not…instead I’m writing about seeing her, because she said she can’t see me anymore…not she doesn’t want to see me…she just can’t…no real warning…no explanation…not one that makes any real sense anyway… just done…nice knowing you "Steven"….Oh, and give your mother a kiss for me….and I’m sorry.
I met her nearly 90 days ago...September 9 of 2009…as in 09/09/09…not that I thought anything of the date and the numbers at the time...I’m not one to pay attention to things like that unless well…there’s a reason to…so maybe I do pay some attention….do I believe in fate?...to some degree yes…while I’m not religious and not even sure I believe in God I do believe in cosmic occurrences…events that just happen seemingly at random…whether or not it’s actually random is what’s open for debate…I’ll give you a brief example of some act of fate that recently happened to me.
I was on my way into a bar with some friends and we thought about not going in because it didn’t seem all that crowded and there was a cover...just when I asked the guys if we were sure we still wanted to go, my buddy turned to me and said, “Oh no, we’re going in. After all, you might meet the love of your life in there tonight and I’m not going to stand in the way of that.”….Now obviously, he was kidding and just busting my balls...and we all had a laugh about it…but it does start to get a guy thinking….so we went in and I kinda’ hit it off with our waitress…seemingly….I gave her my card on our way out…yes I liked her…yes I wanted to go out with her…under normal circumstances would I have ever given her any consideration about being the love of my life?...of course not….but since my friend said it only 5 minutes before we met her…well…time will tell right? At any rate, I didn’t get her number so the point was moot…it was now in her hands….and of course none of the guys thought she was going to call…so the point was really moot to them….except…3 days later she did call and wanted to meet for a drink….I can say now after we’ve seen each other a couple of times she hasn’t exactly turn out to be the love of my life, although I did find myself incredibly drawn to her…and maybe the thinking about her possibly being that love of my life further accentuated my desire for her…perhaps even clouded my judgment…all I know is, that’s a lot of pressure to live up to for someone you just met…and I never told her about it…one thing was clear…she did not think that I was the love of her life….in the end however,…the only thing you can say with any certainty is that some fate intervened that night for us to meet.
I’ve never been one to take anything for granted…especially when it comes to people and relationships...you never know what a chance meeting will lead to…and maybe I place too much significance on them…what can I say except…I care.
So my new date of random destiny was 9 9 9….the devil’s digits…6 6 6 in reverse…hell upside down if you will…lol.....and this new one sure seemed like an angel at the time…and it did feel like heaven…
I’m a writer who occasionally scalps tickets to concerts and sporting events…something has to pay for the artistic pursuits…and under the perfect cosmic alignment I met her in the parking lot before a DMB show in LA…DMB just happened to be her FFB....favorite fucking band…..these clips from the actual show on 9/9/09 seem appropriate given the circumstances…
I remember her being with some guy who was totally not right for her. I asked if they needed tickets and like 99% of the people going to the show they already had their tickets….Upgrade…that was my only hope…I would ask her if she wanted better seats maybe. They…well…she seemed interested…he just kind of sheepishly stood aside while she pursued my inquiry…quite the opposite from what you normally encounter with a couple at a show looking for tickets…you can tell a lot about a person on the street…how they interact with a complete stranger over a business transaction in such a raw unprotected environment…here, my instincts are impeccable….I’m a socially open guy to begin with…and have no problem making quick friends and being comfortable around people I just met…men and women…so reading people and selling tickets comes fairly naturally to me.
Two things immediately struck me about her…first was…goddamn she’s fine!….and second….goddamn, she ain’t scared or intimidated to walk this line. Most women will not deal on the street when it comes to tickets…either they’re untrusting of the whole process or they don’t have any cash on them.
I always tell guys if you’re bringing your girl to an event without tickets tell her to “please wait over there while I get us some tickets”…it’s just better business…for them…and for me…..but this was not the case with her…she was in charge…she knew what she was doing…she tried smiling and charming her way to the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)…the upgrade …on the street I don’t break easy…but, I would have with her…if not for the boy toy she was with…I think I said, “the deal depends on whether or not that guy is your boyfriend or your cousin”…she laughed and quickly replied “My Uncle.”…clever, sassy…funny…but I'm still not doing the deal….I said, “What else you offering?”…like someone was feeding her lines through an earpiece she came back with, “I got some lotion in here” as she dug into her purse…without missing a beat, I smartly said, “What? Like you mean for later?”…she really seemed to like that one…I admit, it was well played….fortunately, I once again told her "Sorry no deal." Because if I had taken the deal, in all likelihood, I would have never seen her again. And I was trying to portray a pillar of strength. Solid. Confident.
I hadn't thought about being with a woman in a while. I had just come off a brief fling that left me virtually unsatisfied....more empty than anything else....not because the woman wasn't into me...she was way into me...in love with me actually. Call her. I'll give you the number. She'll tell you. I just didn't have the same passion toward her....plus I was still thinking about "the love of my life" that had fizzled. I was essentially desireless.
Yet, even with my lack of interest to pursue any woman at this moment I knew immediately I had to engage with this new one…how could I just let someone like her walk away?....Her juice appeared to be worth the squeeze.
I thought about giving her my card…you know...in case she ever needed tickets for anything else…that's what I would have said rather than just ask her out on the spot....but only cause the guy was hovering. Anyway, just as I was about to pull a card out of my pocket as she walked away from me…she flipped right back around and told me to take her number down…"You know…in case you change your mind about the tickets." Cha-ching…I had her number! Whether or not her real intention was to give me her number to go out, I don’t know, but I’m glad she did what she did….after she walked away I thought, “Fuck!....I just got her number.”
I had thoughts of going into the concert to check up on her and see if I could somehow sneak some time with her away from the guy, but I figured why bother...I never like competing with other guys and I certainly wouldn't want another guy hitting on a girl I was out with, so I respectfully decided against it.
The next afternoon I sexted her.
If you’re still sticking with that guy being your Uncle story then we should go out some time.
To my pleasant surprise she sexted back almost immediately.
We should definitely go out some time.
I've asked a lot of women out and never have I received such an emphatic and enthusiastic yes as I did with this one. For an instant I was on top of the world. If she only knew the smile she put on my face when I received her text. Surprised? Only to the extent I'm always slightly surprised when someone wants to legitimately go out. Excited? Beyond. Sure there was no question to anyone observing objectively we hit it off in the 2-3 minutes in which we met and I knew there was some genuine chemistry, but you never know what a girl is really thinking…2 to 3 minutes…that’s all we actually had together…just a passing flicker…yet I felt this immediate connection. We just seemed to click….and she must have felt the same thing….or maybe she’s just one of those girls who says yes to every guy who asks her out…a girl friend of mine told me she had a friend who did such a thing…but this girl would never have time for anything else cause every guy she meets wants to go out with her…that I guarantee…I can’t imagine what it must be like to go through life having everyone you meet wanting to go out with you…straight chicks want to go out with this girl…believe that…she’s that sexy, smart....sassy…and confident….
I decided to play it cool and sit on her response…part of me wanted to just ride out the good feeling I had from her text...not wanting to do anything to ruin the perfection of it. The other part of me wanted to call her immediately. I didn't want fuck things up so I went with the cool.
I can honestly say this was the only time I've ever intentionally played "the game." I was leaving town the next day for like 6 weeks and I didn’t want to seem too eager to see her cause we would have had to go out that night…and I knew if I called her I would want to do exactly that before I went away. Of course Dave Matthews was playing again that night and we could have gone back together....but I wasn't sure how she'd react to such a sudden move....plus I didn’t want to let her know I was leaving for as long as I was, otherwise she might have quickly and easily lost interest. The beginning phase with any woman is so delicate...we men walk very softly on egg shells around you. And it's because we know how fickle you can be when it comes to what you want and what you like. It's something we struggle with enormously.
Incredibly, I waited nearly a week to reply to her. I don't know how I did it. I thought about her all the time, but I was also incredibly busy and seemingly always around people so I never had a solid window in which to call her properly. I ended up texting her right after another Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band show...most likely because I was feeling as good as I could ever feel.
It would be an understatement to say I’m a huge Bruce fan…the guy and the band just light up my life…and I just can’t get enough. People say, "How many times do you have to see the guy play?" And I say, "Why wouldn't want to feel the best you've ever felt as much as you can." A friend and I use to say to each other if we could find a woman who lights up our lives as much as Bruce does we'd be the happiest guys in the world. Another thing we say about Bruce is that "He never disappoints."
At any rate, I’m always in a great mood before…and after a show…which is why I’ve also probably had some random hook-up success afterwards…that and the post-show glow I must emit…Come to a show with me. You'll see. And you'll see what I'm saying about Bruce too.
So I took a shot at drunk texting her from Greenville, South Carolina. Yes I went to Greenville specifically to see Bruce. Much to my surprise, again, she replied immediately; but only to give me grief about waiting nearly a week to get back to her…great I fucked up…you can’t win with them…pursue them too quickly and you scare them off…wait too long…and they get cold…turns out she’s got quite the sense of humor and was only fucking with me….funny girl…so I was still in the game…but let this be a lesson...the fact I did for all intensive purposes ignore her...that on;y made her want me more. I do not like it, knowing that kind of tactic actually works. It's bullshit and why I don't play games.
Well, she happened to be in Chicago…her hometown…and my favorite city not named New York...and as fate would have it…Bruce would be playing there in a few days…that is some good luck....oooh I thought…maybe I’ll fly up to take her to the show…now that would have been the perfect first date…only she wasn’t a fan…and didn’t seem too enthused bout me coming up to go. Damn. That sucks. Did she have a boyfriend she was visiting? Had she lost interest? I didn't bother to ask either. We agreed to talk later. Besides, I was a ‘lil drunk, so probably all for the best….
I called her a couple of days later and she seemed genuinely excited to hear from me…she called me "Scalper Steve"…kinda' funny.....but not to be confused with Scuba Steve.
We must have talked for at least half an hour…while she said she couldn’t exactly remember what I looked like…which was complete bullshit....at the time we met I’m sure she must have thought I was at least cute enough to want to go out with…she did think I was charming, witty, funny...and she seemed to speak exactly what was on her mind and commented how maybe I had met my match with her as she traded matching wits with me…a couple of other things stood out from our phone conversation.
One…she claimed that being a Scorpio, genitalia was her thing…and that she loved sex….not that there’s anything wrong that…ha….Why she felt the need to proclaim her love of sex was beyond me. Who doesn't? And why tell me that? Whatever her calculated reason...and I say calculated because, looking back, it seems everything she did was choreographed...much to her benefit...I did enjoy her directness. It turned me on...and maybe that was her point. I told her that I was a Libra, so passion and romance were my thing...she liked hearing that…all women do…Libras…we’re very lovable….but she also wanted to know if I was in touch with my feminine side…she kinda’ laughed when she asked me and I think I might have laughed even harder back at her…she had no idea how much…too much probably…for being such the guy’s guy that I am…100% hetero aggressive alpha male…yet very sensitive…emotional…so yes...in touch with my feminine side…I tried to calmly claim that she need not worry about that one…but I don’t think she believed me too much…she also wanted to know the last time I cried….sheez…what’s with this girl?...I think I teared a ‘lil from the last Californication episode I watched…well…maybe not THE last one…but one of them I think I did….no I didn’t tell her that…I don’t know what I said…maybe I mentioned I cried like a baby when my dog died…I did…a lot…that’s always a good one to go to.
The conversation eventually turned professional…what I did besides tickets…the writing thing seemed to peak her interest even more now and I went on about being a whore to whoever would hire me…and yadda yadda…she’s letting me go on and on like I’m talking to someone not in the business and then she says "I do the same thing…" I’d later find out from her website she’s also an actress…yet she intentionally failed to mention she was also an actress when we spoke…guess she didn’t want to present herself that way…she made me think she was more of the writer, thinking type over the typical flaky crazy Hollywood actress type…which is exactly what I thought until…well…you’ll have to keep reading…so I asked for her email cause I didn’t want to take the chance of her changing her number or some shit and then I’d never be able to get in touch with her again…I never thought of getting her last name or googling her or anything like that until she gave up the email and it was @ a dot com…so naturally I had to look it up and well let’s just say, I was not unimpressed….I read through the entire site and saw a funny note she had left about being a thumb war champion as part of her “special skills”…of all the things she had on her site from sexy photos, Film/TV credits, clips…this was the thing that stood out most to me….buried at the bottom…so not everyone would see, but for those who did notice it like me, it meant something. It meant a lot to me. It meant she was playful…fun…didn’t take herself too seriously….someone you wanted to be around…at least that what I took from it…
I prefer the little things in life to the bigger ones…maybe I just appreciate them more…it’s sometimes the simplest of gestures or happenings that mean the most…and this little thumb war anecdote seemed to be just the thing to hook me…when it comes to women I’m extremely discriminating, picky…all my friends think I’m too picky…but what’s curious about what I like is that it’s not in a high-maintenance way like I need all these things in a woman to like her…quite the opposite…I may be a complex man, but a man whose needs are extraordinarily simple….and all I might need is a self-proclaimed thumb war champ…and a simple smile…and hers was majestic…angelic…so bright…warm…and inviting…she could solve a lot of the world’s problems with that smile.
I felt so good about our phone conversation that I probably fell in love with her from it...not that I wasn't completely crazy about her after our initial brief meeting...but the way she talked to me...I just felt something different about her. And different in a good way. I knew we’d be seeing each other when I got back to LA if I didn’t fly her to see me sooner. I was headed to NYC for a couple of weeks for more Bruce shows and besides that...there’s no better place to date than in NY…I lived there for like 5 years before moving to LA…and miss it…a lot…there’s such a different vibe and energy…the city’s more alive…more authentic…more romantic…I was going to be in NY on my Birthday....at a Bruce show…and I thought how nice a gift she would be if she were to fly in for our first date…I never told her that though….not that I feel anything I could have done or did do affected the eventual outcome of this extraordinarily twisted, all too real of a tale.
The next week I texted again to say Hi and got the first of several shocking replies from her...
Hey Steve...I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you but some guy I’ve been dating says he wants to get serious so I want to see where it goes for now. Just wanted to be honest with you. Definitely keep in touch.
WTF?!
OK...one I was completely crushed by the text. I went from having virtually no interest in dating any woman to thinking seriously about trying to be serious with this one. I know...it sounds bizarre but when a guy meets a woman he's really into...there's never any second guessing...we're on it.
More so than my extreme disappointment, her text makes no sense on several levels. Two weeks ago she said she definitely wanted to go out with me. Now, she’s in such a serious relationship she can’t go out with me?! And I know it wasn’t that guy from the "Dave" concert…so that means 2 weeks ago she was already on a date with someone else…clearly she was not all that happy in her current relationship with Mr. Serious. if she could go with someone to see her favorite band.
And as far as Mr. Serious goes…he’s obviously an idiot…they must have been dating for some time before he made this big proclamation…what the hell took him so long?....even though I only knew her for 3 minutes in person…a few texts and one 30-minute conversation on the phone, if you’re any kind of man you wouldn’t need any time to wonder if you wanted to be serious with this girl.
OK maybe that's a slight exaggeration on my part...but if she had to wait for him...it meant he was either playing her, kind of like I waited the week to text her....which makes him an asshole....and yes I'm calling myself an asshole for doing what I did.....OR
Some other girl he was seeing at the same time stopped fucking him and he wanted to start fucking my girl or he’s not really that into her, but still doesn’t want to lose her…either way…he’s still an idiot…and she’d later confirm that for me…sort of…but really…all Mr. Serious makes me think about is Mr. McEnroe…the OG Serious.
Besides the obvious connection and attraction, I think we'd all agree communication is the key to any healthy relationship. Why then do we make it so difficult to properly communicate with one another?
The answer is simple. Fear. We're scared of the truth. We lack the courage to be honest with others in how we're feeling because we're worried of the consequences or how we're going to be perceived or judged. Never mind that something is bothering us, we'd just as soon not talk about it so we don't have to deal with it.
I'm having a problem right now in communicating with a woman who liked me, but now is questioning her judgement because of a lack of trust based upon an incorrect assumption her part. Yet, she refuses to confront me about it because she still needs "time." She's scared of discovering the truth. The truth is she is wrong in how she now feels. The truth is that her initial perception of me was actually correct and that kind of feeling or connection she had with me now scares her. It's easier for her to believe I am just another guy who "betrayed" her. For her to take a leap of faith that I'm not, terrifies her.
I hear women over and over telling me they don't want to appear "needy" by expressing their feelings to their man. That is nothing but a gutless cop out. No man is going to be mad or look down on you for communicating with him in this way when something is troubling you. We want to know what's going on in your head. Always. How else can we help you? Men are problem solvers. Yes...I know..we're also problem causers. But mostly we are fixers. Talk to us. Tell us how we can help. We want to be there for you. And any guy who doesn't want to be, you shouldn't waste your time with.
Being "needy" is always needing something like wanting to know where we are or when we're coming home or asking us to do a million chores over and over and over....Needy and Nagging going hand in hand. Communicating with us in an open and honest way shows us you care. More good than harm will come from it. Don't be afraid of your feelings. Nothing angers a man more than hiding your feelings from us. We're more like you than you give us credit for.
However, by far and away the worst thing you can do is be dishonest with yourself. Too much concern is spent on internalizing your feelings and taking time to "process." Learn to trust your heart and your instincts more. Forget what you're head is telling you or what your girlfriends are saying. And stop trying to figure out what things mean. Just ask us. Men love answering questions. It makes us feel smart...and useful.
I've had so many women tell me they need time to think about things or understand what's going on. Either you like us or you don't? What's there to figure it out? Stop making things so complicated. The only questions you should be asking yourself when it comes to relationships are "Do I enjoy being with him? And do I enjoy talking with and listening to him?" Beyond that...nothing else matters. Well except the sex....right? That matters. That's what you always say....so, if it matters so much...get to it. Get to the sex and see how it is. Enough with these 3rd date sex dates or 90-day rules.
A close girl friend recently told me how she's frustrated with her boyfriend because he's inconsistent with his emotions toward her. He only gets emotional with her when he's drunk. But then she quickly chirps, "But it's so silly. It's such not a big deal." So I said to her, "If you're telling me this, then it's clearly bothering you. You need to talk to him about it." And then she says "Yeah, but I don't want to seem needy." Now that is just being silly right?
If what she needs is some consistent sober reinforcement from her man then she has a right to ask for it. Then she tries to justify her need by claiming the reason she wants him to be more emotional is because she has a guy on the side who is exactly like that. OK. Wait a second. Yes, she's kid of two-timing here, and she gets no pass for that....however, I told her the "other" guy's behavior is not why you're not satisfied with the inconsistency from Boy Toy #1. Even without Boy Toy #2 in the picture you would still want more emotion from Boy Toy #1. That's part of the reason why she got divorced from Husband #1...no emotional connection. So, clearly, she's not being honest with herself in what she needs from a man and she's not being honest with the man she's now trying to date. For the record...I told her to end it with Boy Toy #2 if she's serious about making it work with #1...and she is because Boy Toy #2 is an out of town specialist who yes makes her body tingle all over like no man ever has but there's too many complications that prevent either one of them from moving to the other's city to try and make it work for real. She's got herself a mess of a situation.
Another example of a severe lack of courage comes via my Brother. He was talking to a happily married couple about texting immediately after a date or the very next day. The wife was terrified of it. She said "Oh my God! I couldn't tell someone how much fun I had or that I couldn't wait to see him again. I don't want to scare him off." Trust me and every other man out there...your text is not the reason we're rejecting you. I've been there. A text from a woman after a great date makes us feel like we're on top of the world. It only makes us want to see you more. Not less.
Still don't believe me? My brother asked the husband in front of his now wife how he would feel about getting a text from her that same night after a date when they were still dating. He said "I would have loved it. Are you kidding?" Even with that information the wife still says she couldn't do it. Wow. Talk about the Lion in the Wizard of Oz.
If we like you...you cannot turn us off with too much affection or interest. We're not like women...who need time and space to process or to feel like you have something else going on other than us. If we like you we don't want you to have anything else going on! When can I see you again? That's it. That's all we want to know. I'm incredibly perplexed why women have the need to retreat once chemistry and a mutual admiration have been established. So you're afraid of getting hurt? Grow up. Why would you wait if you like someone? Why would you make him wait? To be sure? Maybe...but you're never going to be sure based on time.
Time doesn't tell you anything except when happy hour starts. Like I said before. Get to it. Life's too short and valuable to waste on running from the truth. Before you can be honest with someone else you need to start being honest with yourself. Be more courageous. The truth will set you free and find your love.
