Email your Comments and Questions to:

Monday, January 30, 2012

Marissa asks "How can I get less attention from men?"

I can already hear fifty percent of the women who read this immediately asking "Who is this Marissa bitch complaining about men giving her too much attention?" and the other half of the women agreeing "Yeah, how do I get men to leave me the fuck alone?!"

Before I attempt to answer the question I'm going to tell you what it proves first and foremost, well beyond a reasonable doubt.

The question cannot win.  Either we pay too much attention to you or not enough. Which is it?  How do we ever satisfy thee? I'm not sure there's an answer to that one either. Not a simple one anyway. And not one I'm even sure a woman can honestly answer.

That delectable enigmatic problem aside, I asked a guy friend of mine, who currently dates an incredibly beautiful woman, what he first thought of the question. Without missing a beat he said, "That's ridiculous. Everyone wants to be desired. She's full of shit."  I assured him she was not and that it seemed to be a genuine issue for her. Upon which he suggested the same thing I had said to her, "Be less attractive."  I did add "Shave your head"...Rachael from Friends thought the same thing.  Although there's probably just enough bald fetish heads out there to still want her. Apparently Ross was one of them...I think. Fuck Friends. Point being, whatever you do, someone will inevitably find a way to still be turned on. That's a fact. The world is a full of freaks. On both sides of the fence. 

So just changing your appearance or behavior isn't necessarily going to make you less desirable. After all...we're men...we'll fuck everything. Right ladies? That is what you think. Well, right now I won't fuck's that for you? Oh...right you also think I'm full of shit.  Maybe......maybe not.

Assuming for a moment Marissa is being truthful and honest about wanting to be less desired by men, what I'm more interested in knowing is, what exactly would facilitate such a....desire?

From what I'm told by women, including Marissa, is that this attention at times is overwhelming...from casual looks on the street, to flirty texts, to suggestive emails, to Facebook's just too much for them to emotionally keep up with and deal with. But why? Is it the sheer volume of cat calls?  Do you feel pressure to live up to the hype we generate? Are you insecure? Do you lack confidence in what you really have to offer. That's got to be it. You don't think you warrant the attention you receive. Does anyone?

I understand the desire to be left alone at time...have some quality "me" time. Not be bothered. All that. Except, we live in a world where chicks are rock stars. And men are the groupies.

Regardless of how women feel about this "special" attention it's the men who are are still the natural pursuers, the hunters.  By and large, women sit back and wait for Prince Charming to sweep them off their feet. And with this constant pursuit comes attention and persistence.  "Persistence counts" is what we hear over and over...not just from women but in all aspects of life....until you're pursuing a woman like Marissa, and then your persistence becomes her annoying nuisance.  

Oh by the way....I'm listening to E Street Radio and this happens to be the song playing right now. Spooky.

But Marissa doesn't care. She'd rather you not. Or not you. Maybe the cute guy over there. He can for work for her love. That would be OK.

Women tend to not finish their thought. What Marissa may really be asking is "How can I get less attention from men......that I don't want the attention from?"  What Marissa and other women ultimately want is "selective" attention. Spoiler alert. It doesn't work that way. You can't pick and choose who will love you. It just happens. Love happens.

So why would too much attention really bother someone if we all want to be desired...and loved?  I've never heard any man complain about receiving too much attention from a woman they're not dating. I say "not dating" because there's plenty of men who complain about women they are dating....just as women do with men they're in a relationship with...which is another great topic for a future post....Why on earth would you stay with someone who doesn't make you happy?  But I digress.  No man is ever going to wonder how to stop random women from wanting him. And that's what we're really talking about here. It's the random desire that you run into every day, at work, around town...maybe if you're lucky, in your car at a stoplight.  Who doesn't like a good solid road hook up? I actually picked up two girls at a stop light once. It was rather exciting. They claimed to like my driving and decided to follow me...somehow I charmed them enough between red and green to convince them to continue to follow me another 20 minutes down the road to my friend's house. We ended up partying the rest of the night together. But that's neither here nor there...this is still about receiving less attention...not more. Once again, I digress.

It's no wonder why Marissa's desired by men. She's charming,, sharp, sassy.  She's just a cool chick. As such, I'm pretty certain she's been initially greeted with open arms by all men who meet her...which invariably leads to things like free drinks...invitation to parties...hook ups...the occasional Central Park Penthouse house sitting situation....skipping the line...etc.  I bet in middle school some  young gentleman boy offered to carry her books for her.  In other words, she's got an endless list of gifts, offers and propositions. Call me crazy, but I'm still not seeing how this is a burden or a negative. Too many choices? gives great hugs too. And who doesn't want that?

Yes I've been avoiding the answer to the question. But there's a reason. Guys will always have an answer to your answer.

If you tell a guy you're a lesbian, he'll tell you so is he.

If you tell a guy you're married he'll tell you so is he.

If you tell a guy you can't wait to get married he might initially freak out, but in the end he'll just tell you what he thinks you want to hear...he can't wait to get married either.

If you tell a guy you're not looking for a relationship he'll tell you him too. He'll say he just wants to have fun. for the's not just girls who want to have fun...memo to Cyndi Lauper.

Boyfriend? So what. He sucks.

If you to want to avoid men all together you could just join a monastery...although they really didn't stop Kramer...or George. The guy may join too...just to be with you. Or just join a gay gym like Crunch. That's what Marissa did. She loves it there.

Those are all temporary, band-aid fixes and don't really address the problem.  Here's what you have to do. Instead of trying to figure out creative ways to ward men off or be less appealing maybe you should work on being more accepting and appreciative of the attention. Rather than be annoyed by it, embrace it. Let it inspire you. Work it.  Or like they said in the film, Boomerang, "You got to flip that shit around" or something like's the clip.

OK granted, that clip was more about being pussy whipped and just an excuse to hear John Witherspoon say "You got to whip that pussy" I digress once more.

Work on yourself. The more comfortable with yourself, the more willing and open you'll be to others wanting to be with you. Enjoy the ride. It doesn't last forever. Remember this...women hit the proverbial "wall" a lot sooner in life than men do. Be a sponge and soak up all the good attention you get now...while you still can.

However, if you must, there is one tried and true option you do have to turn down men. At least it works every time with this man. Tell the guy you're not physically attracted to him. Works like a charm with me. If I don't think you want to rip my clothes off or at least a sock...then I will shut it down and pursue anymore. It's hard enough to convince you to get naked when you do like me...let alone when you're not into me in that way. And yeah I know all about the stories of women not being turned on by the guy until months, years later...or even until they kissed and then boom...sparks fly. Most men want to know you're already turned on by us in some way...and the kiss is the thing that just seals the deal. I say most men because there's always men out there that still will make the attempt even after you tell them how disgusting you think they are...they don't care. They've got no shame and they still think they'll be able to win your heart for the reasons stated above....some women just need time to come around...either that or a few stiff drinks and a magical kiss. So I guess...telling a guy you're not physically into him is good way to fend off most of us...but not all.

Marissa does have some well deserved advice for us men. She says "We don't need to see anymore texts or emails containing pictures of your junk. Not a turn on." She continues, "But do tell us what you'd do to us with your junk. That we like." Ha. Told you she was funny...and smart.

So what have we learned from this discussion?  

Sometimes, women like Marissa just want to be left alone....and sometimes,  they just want the dirty talk. When those times one knows. See. What did I tell you? Men. We can't win.