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Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Fate, Texts & The Smell of a Foot - PART V (FINAL)

I strongly recommend reading PART IV can find the links to the earlier PARTS here as well.


Upon my return from Buffalo and the final E Street Band show of the tour all I could think about was seeing this girl again.  The show turned out to be ridiculously awesome and capped off one of the most enjoyable weeks of my life….happiness is such a fleeting thing with me, so the good times are extremely appreciated and never taken for granted….I behaved…No drunk texting after the show or anything like that….it would have been nice to hear from her saying how she couldn’t wait to see me again…but I never got it…even though we had something set for Monday night when I got back.

On the flight back Monday I sat with a guy who flew like me from LA just to go to the show…on a cross country flight you talk about a lot…especially if you share a love of Bruce…so naturally we swapped Bruce stories which led to talks about women.…and a little about what I had just been through.

Unfortunately from the moment I landed things didn't seem quite right.  I changed planes in Phoenix on my way back to LA and there I had a text from her that said she forgot a friend was leaving for Germany for like a month the next day and she wanted to see him tonight so could we change it for tomorrow?...Sure that sucked, but no problem…once again I played it cool but really I knew something else was at play. Why couldn't she just seem afterward? The only reason I had come back to LA at all was to see her because I could have gone right to Florida for Thanksgiving which I was planning on doing Wednesday.  I even thought about asking her to go with me. That's how into her I was...and she made no mention of any plans she had for the holiday so I figure fuck it....I don't need to hide anything from her. I was nuts about her and wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. Plus I didn't want her thinking I only cared about fucking her. 

Tuesday morning came and her edit to finish her film was running late....She was working close to my apartment so I figured she’d just come by when she was done and we'd walk to grab lunch and then whatever…she said between 2 and 3. 

Initially I thought we'd be spending the day together.  By the time she finished we ended up wanting to meet for only a coffee for like an hour cause she had another meeting set for 530. Great. Not so great. She didn’t have time to come by my place now.  And didn't seem like she wanted to.  I kept thinking "Fuck. Something went down in Vegas. Either her girlfriend talked me out of her or she went to Vegas with her boyfriend and they "fixed" whatever "problems" they had....and by "problems" I mean the "sex". Fuck me. At least she wasn’t blowing me off completely.  Not yet anyway.

I chose a place where we could still eat cause I was starving…and had been waiting on her.  She showed up a few minutes after me and greeted me a nice smile and hug, but no kiss…no great to see you…she seemed kind of distant and a little cool. Maybe it was just me being an idiot. I don’t know. She asked if I still wanted to get together after her next meeting for drinks or dinner and I told her I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t think I would want to see her now…and again later. And any other time for that matter.

Maybe I was showing too much interest too soon…but I didn’t give a shit. I didn’t want to have to pretend that I didn’t like her or play that ridiculous game guys often play…but there’s a reason that guys act like this because they know a chick might freak out if they feel they’re being pressured into something they’re not ready for…I’ve never been very good at waiting….I think it’s cause I’m a Libra and there’s no grey area with me…I’m very black and white…matter-of-fact…honest and open. Women say they want the truth…yeah, only if they’re ready for it. 

And speaking of the truth she pressed me about my script Fate Walks In...the one I had told her earlier about a guy who thought his cocktail waitress may have been the love of his life.  She said I didn’t send it to her yet…no shit…I told her she wasn’t ready for it yet…she smiled slowly, and in the exact same way she replied when I asked her if she was ready for me to "finish" on her a few nights ago, she confidently said…

I’m ready

Maybe I wasn’t. Either way…she wasn’t getting it. I told her all about how magical the show was in Buffalo and how Bruce continues to light up my life…I wanted to tell her she did the same…I didn’t….I was a coward....but I think she knew what I was trying to say…before I left I had emailed her a clip of Bruce’s song, Red Headed Woman, and she emailed me back over the weekend thanking me for thinking of her and that she had watched it. 

I asked her about it but she said it was still too "rocking" for her taste…I think she’s got something against Bruce. Her Dad must like him. But she did say she liked it more that I had thought of her. I then told her about Brooks (one of the guy's I was with at the show) kissing me and telling me I’m his hero and he loves me during the show…again she smiled and said....

You make dreams come true

I said something about now I guess I got to get to work on yours….I was trying to dance with her…but I wanted to add, “I’m still looking for someone to make my dreams come true.”…she went onto say when you find something you like you should hold on tight to it. That's when I said "I am."…and I gently grabbed her knee…Too much? yes…but she kept lobbing in pitches…so I had to swing at them….

She popped a pill from a prescription bottle at the table and I didn't even ask what it was for...but she seemed a little rattled, stressed...clearly something was on my mind.  She said she had to get going to her other meeting and stood up to hug goodbye.  No "Walk me to my car?" or "I'll see you tonight." 

Yes, she had a meeting to get to so I knew she wasn’t going to physically mess around with me now but still, not even a peck kiss goodbye…see ya later….what happened in Vegas is what I wanted to know?.....Doesn’t everybody?....She said she saw the Beatles show Love…got handed some stripper/whore cards on the strip and can’t stand the place…I kind of defended Vegas some and she remarked how I probably just love it there....but the reality is I can't stand it either anymore. I use to love it there when I was partying a lot and chasing "pussy"...but those days are long over. Vegas is too much.

She said she’d text me when she was done with the meeting and kind of did some lame half high-five type of thing…I don’t even know what the hell that was….it was quite an odd goodbye and I wanted to press her to find out if anything really was going on...but I decided I'd wait till tonight and lay all my chips on the table then.  I watched her walk away, then quickly paid the tab and tried to catch up to her in the parking lot.

She was already in the car, as if she was running away…yeah she had a meeting to get to…but she didn’t even roll down the window or stop…just a ‘lil wave…it was fucked….and so was I.  And that was the last time I ever saw her.

I tried to stay positive…maybe she was just in business girl mode when she saw me and she just couldn’t handle relationship girl jammed in the middle of it…highly possible and probable…I was looking forward to watching her short film that night…and I figured I’d show her some videos I had produced as well.

I thought bout going to her place to just wait outside on her to come home after her meeting....I wanted to be there when she got home...just to see her face. Would she be angry? Happy? What would her emotion be? My emotions were all over the place. I nixed the idea. Instead, I went home and went High Fidelity, John Cusack...a Chicago boy and Bruce fan btw...and I did what any crazy in love male does...I made a CD for her.

Yeah ridiculous…even more ridiculous was that it was all Bruce songs.  It wasn’t that I was trying to get her to like Bruce…it was to get her to like me understand me.  The reasons I love Bruce define me.  What he sings about and how he sings…..his passion, his energy...the pure joy he evokes …“and these romantic dreams in my head.” (This is a line from his song No Surrender, although I left it off my CD because it would be too "rocking" for her…I went for the slower, romantic ones.)…but above all else, Bruce inspires me in all aspects of my life…including, making me believe that finding a woman like this is possible.  I never thought it was. Before I had met her I had virtually given up on women. At 37, I was done. Had thrown in the towel on a mutual love and connection.

I chose 9 songs, because that’s our number. Remember we met on 9-9-09. 9 songs to define me and that would say exactly how I felt about her…I didn’t need 90 days…or  anymore Dates with her.  The naked truth is that it only took a few minutes...

1. Thunder Road
The most romantic, epic  rock song ever written. It's perfect.

2.  Drive all Night
Because I would

3. Fire
More than you can imagine

4.  Back in your Arms
Because I needed to be
(and Pat Riley’s favorite song…he told me in Buffalo)

5.  Fade Away
I can't.
In this live version Bruce says, “this is for Steven” to the crowd just before the song starts
(the album version is better audio)

6.  Tougher Than the Rest
I am...and if not, I want to be.

7.  Girls in their Summer Clothes
“She went away, she cut me like a knife
Hello beautiful thing, maybe you could save my life
In just a glance, down here on magic street
Loves a fool's dance
And I ain't got much sense, but I still got my feet

The girls in their summer clothes
In the cool of the evening light
The girls in their summer clothes, pass me by”

8.  I’ll Work for Your Love
"What others may want for free...I'll work for your Love."
Bruce played this in Buffalo and I thought of her.
(And I had told her it was the Title song for my script, "Fate Walks In")

9.  And Then She Kissed Me
Because she did...and better than any other woman ever had.
Bruce covers this Crystals classic brilliantly.

At 730, she texted me and said she just got home and wasn’t feeling well and needed to lie down. She thought a migraine was coming on and would call me in a couple of hours.  Perhaps, that was what the pill was about when she met me earlier.  

Remember, I was leaving in the morning for 10 days for Thanksgiving.  I flew purposefully back from Buffalo for the 2 days before leaving again to see her some more. She didn’t know that. Around 10, she texted me again. So, she wasn't totally blowing me off....and maybe it was all in my head.  She said she just woke up, but still felt bad and was going to sleep for the night. She said she was sorry, told me to have a great holiday and "Hopefully, I’ll see you when you get back." That was in a text. No call.

I texted back to remind her my flight wasn’t until 1pm the next day and I could wake her up in the morning if she wanted me to. I never heard from her again that night.

She replied the next morning saying how sweet my message was, but she couldn’t see me this morning…she was on her way to edit again…and wished me a Happy Thanksgiving. I called her. I had to. To my surprise, she picked up the phone.  She sounded like everything was ok…and I joked around with her some, made light of it all, not showing any signs that my head was beyond a little fucked up. I didn’t want to seem like it was any big deal we weren’t going to see each other for 10 days. Even though I knew it would be a huge fucking deal.

So that was that…what choice did I have? Should I have asked her to come home with me? I wanted to do it in person....felt like over the phone it would have seemed desperate...which it was...but it was also genuine. I wanted to tell her so much how I felt but it never came to be.

I thought about surprising her on Thanksgiving w/the first 10 pages of Fate Walks In, but luckily I talked myself out of it…the first 10 pages are harmless...and funny, but she’d only want to read more…there was no sense in getting her worked up…so I decided on something a little lighter…and even funnier….the World According to Henry clips from YouTube…I told her there was a character based on Henry in the script so at least she’d get a taste and she’d hear my voice on the clips…people have thought I’m the best thing about them, even though you never see me….It's just a little silliness intended to make her laugh.

Looking back...I'm an idiot. How could I send her this? 

Easy. Men do lots of stupid shit when they're in love. 

In addition to my failed delivery of the CD and the Thanksgiving offer I was thinking of telling her I wanted to bring in the New Year with her….this was even before I got an email invite from a buddy on Thanksgiving  Day for his annual NYE party, so I figured that was a sign that I had the green light.  When I got back, I'd ask her….

For some reason I planned to go radio silence on her till then.  I don't know why. Maybe to see if she'd call me was a stupid game...and I don't even play them… didn't last long.  I have a hard time sitting and doing nothing so I sent a hello text on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. We last had exchanged emails Thanksgiving Day. This time…No reply.

I then left a Voicemail on Wed…just reading this as I write it I’m thinking how ridiculous I was acting…we had one date…then a Bootycall night…and an hour coffee/lunch…I am an idiot…maybe not Lord of The Idiots…but still an idiot.

All along, I had been waiting for my curse to appear…her curse….ha…I still LOL at her comment…..and is if on cue….

Hey, steve. Thx 4 ur call. Hope u had a great holiday. I won’t be able to see you anymore. I have to sort out some personal things in my life rt now and I am also going out of town next week and ill b gone 4 over a month. It was nice spending time w u. Thank u 4 understanding. Have a wonderful holiday.

“It was nice spending time w u. Have a wonderful holiday.”  WTF???!!!!!!!!!

I don’t even know how to begin to express the kind of emotional knot that hit my stomach with that text. I couldn't breathe. Literally.  It was if my heart had been ripped out, stomped on and then tossed in the gutter. I had never felt so low, so helpless....and so hopeless. Her sudden rejection crippled me. Her text represented every hope and dream I had...dismissed. Worst of all...I knew there was nothing I could do about it.

I tried to catch my breath.  

First of all I was angry her message came via text. In our very first phone conversation she told me how she’s not a "texter", she’s a "talker"….which I liked hearing because I can’t stand texting conversations. I hate them. Texting should be reserved for sexting, directions and yes/no questions only. But women love that shit. Texting is non-threatening, non-confrontational, impersonal and the easy way out. It's a cowardly, horrible way to communicate. Texting is also incredibly selfish…it’s for pussies…pick up the phone and act like a man!….oh right…she’s a woman.  Never mind.

Second...we had no problem sharing a lot of personal information with each other up until now. Why couldn't she just talk to me about her problem? Why be so easily? That's probably what upset the most. How she could just ignore our connection...our chemistry...our heat?

I quickly went through some possible scenarios in my head.

One…she was never that into me…it was all an act. She was a part-time actress.

Two…she liked me, but got turned off by knowing how much I like her.

Three…she liked me, but got turned off by fucking Henry! (The World According To) That motherfucker.

Four…she liked me, but still likes Mr. Serious and now doesn’t know what the fuck to do.  And needs time to sort things out.

Five…she’s either pregnant or going away to rehab.

Six…she’s fucking crazy.

Whatever the reason…she still could have called.  She said I can’t see you anymore. Not I can’t see you anymore "right now"…like possibly leaving open the door for later…that’s what maybe got me the most…what the hell was going on?!

Rule numero uno when it comes to texting…Never text when you’re emotional.  But rules are made to be broken. I texted back almost immediately….

With all the chemistry and passion we had 2gether you need to call and tell me whats really goin on.

I should have asked her point blank how she could just walk away from that kind of passion, but I did not…

She replied right away...

Ok. I will. Give me some time.

Time. I’ve heard that one before. What is with women and time? They need time to think. Time to have an orgasm. That “time” of the month. What was preventing her from just telling me now? That's all I wanted to know. Why? And why now? When did she decide on this? Did she know before her Vegas weekend? After? Did she know when she was asking me to masturbate on her? 

People have asked me since, "What does it matter when she decided?". Why it matters so much to me I cannot tell you. It just does. It haunts me not knowing.  Is she that cold of a person? How could anyone be that cold. Much later I'd text her asking her that her heart needed a scarf.

A woman who I had met previously to this one…how we met is irrelevant…well maybe not so much…we met on a plane…we had such instant chemistry and attraction…clearly her more to me…but I just rolled with it…I did kiss her while sitting across the aisle as we listened to I think "Tunnel of Love" on my iPod together....the short of it is, I almost flew back with her to wherever she was going…we both were changing planes…We still talked later that night and the next day and she wanted me to fly into to see her that week…this all happened over a weekend.

Monday I hear nothing from her. Tuesday…nothing…Wednesday still nothing…wtf!? right?  She finally texts me on Saturday…the day I’m flying in that she lost her job on Monday and was devastated by it…and that she was sorry and to give her some "time"...No call…nothing...she couldn’t bring herself to see me, even if it meant cheering her up…she needed “time”…I didn’t know what to think. I spent 4 hours with this woman 30,000 feet in the air. Who knows what was really going on?...

Well a couple of weeks later I called her up…Valentine’s Week…she conveniently had left out she was finalizing her divorce that week too and coincidentally I happened to call while she was signing the final papers. Talk about timing.  She ended up inviting me out for the weekend to stay with her….and if you’re wondering how it turned out, the next time...yes there was a next time…there was a picture of us on her nightstand….so in that case…she really was that messed up over her firing…and perhaps the divorce thing…

Coincidentally…or maybe not…a second woman who I flew to see later that year for a first date, also lost her job…but this time she actually got fired on the morning I flew in…got virtually the same text from her…I tried calling her and left a message, but got no response….This one I just blew off and never called again….fucking economy…and I know now never to ask a woman out if she’s gainfully employed…only the unemployed from here on out for time…yes…maybe all she really needs is time to talk to me.

And that should have been it…but no…I had to send one more text to her….

Take all the time u need…take 90 days. I don’t care…Its just ironic that you blew me away and now you’re blowin me off.

Ooops…I was trying to be funny bringing her up her “90 day rule”….but angry frustrated Steve came out….not good. Yet she replies once more, right away.

Im sorry. And Im not blowin u off.  I just cant see you.

There’s that “cant see you” again….fuck….ridiculous….I could not then and still can not now believe she could just walk away from what we had…I don’t care how short a time period it took place over…I’ve been kissed by enough woman to know kissing like that doesn’t just happen all the time…no woman has kissed me back like she did. Nor has anyone expressed how much they "needed" to see me.

So I sought out opinions from my peanut gallery….there was no shortage of guest commentators.  These are actual quotes from people I know and my ensuing reactions to them….Get your popcorn ready….this ought to be fun….

“Fuck that crazy bitch!”
Yes…but no…I can say it, but I CAN’T do it…and don’t want to either.

“Forget about her”
Not likely. I mean….CAN’T.

“Plenty of other fish in the sea”
Not for me there isn’t. Relax, I’m not saying she’s the “one”…I’m saying I’m extremely discriminating in the kinds of fish I like…besides, no two fishes taste alike and I liked the taste of this one.

“Do nothing! Wait for her.”
This suggestion came from a female Scorpion…just as my girl was…I put the exclamation in there because she yelled it to me…she was pretty fucking adamant…she’s going with the “she’s confused” theory and needs time to figure it all out…unfortunately the “do nothing” is not in my nature so I’ll probably fuck things up….I’m not a do nothing type of guy…and I don’t want to be with a girl who wants to be with one of those anyway. Plus this girl who offered the advice is a little wack cause she married one of my best friends, yet was never that attracted to him until they kissed…which was after many many many “buddy” dates….and then all of a sudden fireworks went off for her and she was like “Damn! Where has this been?!”…That's another direct quote from her.  I guess she had her Enchantment Under the Sea moment.

“Blindfold her”
I wish I could take credit for this one...but, morally and all, it just wouldn’t be right. You know…blindfold her so she “can’t see me.”…I think it’s pretty funny.

A singular word of wisdom from a fellow female who dyes purple streaks in her black Asian hair and who’s also the girlfriend of “Blindfold” guy.

“Well when u do talk 2 her u should play nonchalant but sensitive 2 her needs. Just tell her u hope she gets things worked out but if she needs somebody 2 talk 2 or somebody to work out her sexual frustrations with you’re the guyJ  If there was THAT much chemistry she wont b able 2 keep u off her matter what she says she is STILL going 2 b thinking about u. Just tread lightly, don’t b to forward and don’t demand any answers. Of course let her know that u r disappointed but play it cool at the same time. Chemistry is 1 thing but passion is def something a girl doesn’t turn her back on easy and it sounds like u guys def had the passion...Dat’s ALL I’m say’n.”
This one came via text from my female hygienist…she’s fascinated with my love life. Sounds remarkably practical and logical…except when you realize we’re talking about a girl who shut down an incoming orgasm with me…I don’t know how close she actually was…but she was well on her way and just like that, she quit it….so we had the passion…yes…but she’s already proven she can easily walk away from it temporarily.…in the heat and height of the moment, so why not permanently?

Looking back on I wrote this up a long time ago...and have revisited it now for the purpose of the blog...the above advice from the hygienist is the one I should have followed verbatim. In fact I should have sent my girl that exact text. But again...we've already established I'm an idiot.

“She’s testing you.”
I stopped taking tests 26 years ago.  My younger married brother who came up with this theory is torn between the “Do nothing” approach and the Jon Cusak “ In your Eyes” Say Anything boombox approach.  Cusak’s from Chicago…she’s from Chicago…I think I mentioned that before…if that means anything.

That re-enactment still very funny….and still possible. Come to think of it…that was a pretty good film…here’s the trailer....which oh btw has the real boombox scene in it.

How could I just walk away from the most exciting, interesting and sexy girl I’ve ever been out with?...Simply…it was the best first date I ever had...even better than the other red-head I’ve been out with who I also fell in love with instantly…look…I’ve dated some beautiful women and had some amazing hook-ups….but this one was…just different. It was special.

I want to fight for her cause I know it could be spectacular…but on the other hand I’m still so fucking angry and disappointed in how this is all went down….and if she ain’t into it, then it doesn’t matter how I feel at all.

I thought about all my options and ultimately went with nothing…almost. 

A week later I realized it had now been officially 90 days since we met so I was going to have some fun with her little 90-day rule and also use the blindfold joke…trying to show I’m not being too serious about all this….

ME:  hey...I think I figured out a way to solve your problem when we get 2gether ill bring a blindfold so you won't be able to see me...ha...the real reason i txt u is im honoring ur 90 day rule. 2day is 90 days since we met on 09 09 09.

HER:  Oh. Happy Anniversary!

ME:  Well then we should celebrate. I'll bring the blindfold.

HER:  Blindfold?! don't b silly.

I should have picked up the phone right here and I told I her wanted to come over to just talk. Which is really all I wanted right now. Let her sort whatever it is she needed to sort out and that I'd be here for her. But no...I kept at it with the stupid texts.

ME:  S is 4 Steve and 4 Steven and 4 smart and 4 sexy and even 4 silly. Did you even read the first text?

HER:  Yes.

ME:  Well then there's only one of us bein silly here my lil red hot. S is also 4 sensitive and 4 scared which you neednt b w me.


Apparently I left her speechless or she just doesn’t give a shit or I hit the nail on the head. 

I was empty inside. 

I should have just driven over. I didn't. I sat. I waited. I closed the book on this year.

I was miserable.

And I feel like a complete dooshbag having recounted this whole pathetic story…although as a writer it's something I need to do.  Anyone who writes understands.

Now that she just abruptly called it quits with me I have to question the legitimacy of everything that went on between us…was all it just an entire act?  Did she mean anything she said to me?...Was she preparing for a role?...Since she loves Seinfeld I’ll refer to Elaine to clarify things….

I went from feeling like I had hit the jackpot to the bottom of a garbage dump. That’s what you get for telling a woman you like her…a lot.

And…I’ve lost all hand in this relationship….roll Seinfeld again…

So the curse continues...mine...not hers.…Seems like ever since my senior year in college when I wanted to be with Alyson…who initially approached me because she had noticed me in class and it turned out we lived right across from each other…as in 10 yards apart…we hung out all the time, but never dated…or hooked up…she had just come out of a serious relationship that had soured her and she wasn’t ready to get into another one…she kept saying she needed “time”…what’s with women and time?!....for was the first girl I ever wanted to be in a relationship with…we saw one another almost every day and talked every night on the phone before we went to bed…everyone thought we acted like an old married couple, especially since we never had any sex!...and it was killing me…I wanted to be with her so bad…for a 21 year old it was unbelievably frustrating…so after a few months of this I told her I couldn’t do this anymore and I was more or less done waiting…

One night, shortly thereafter we were talking on the phone and she said, “I’m ready. I want to give us a chance.”…so did I jump out of bed, run down my stairs and knock on her door?...of course not…

I said, “Just because you say you’re ready now you expect me to flip the switch back on?”…I can still remember that conversation like it was yesterday…and it was nearly 20 years ago.  Back then, I let my ego get in the way…because she said “jump” I was automatically supposed to ask, “How high?”…I couldn’t do it….but the reality is that I regretted that answer every day thereafter…and things were never the same between us....I can’t even imagine how low I must have made her feel at the time…Here she finally made herself vulnerable to me and I rejected her….I think Alyson put some voodoo who do on me…and I have no idea how to lift it….and ever since then it seems like any woman I really want to be with always ends fucked up…I do have some other stories….and on the opposite side, any woman who really wants to be with me, I just don’t have enough interest in them. 

And to think, one ex-flame in my late 20's thought I didn’t open up enough to her…hard to believe now, huh?

This experience takes a man down one of two paths. 

Either he goes out on a sport fucking binge…trying to bang as many girls as possible in the shortest amount of time or he becomes a monk…And don’t laugh...a girl friend of mine told me one of her ex-boyfriend’s did just that after they broke up…or he broke up with her to become a monk…not sure the order…but I’m leaning toward monk…it’s a peaceful way of life….

This year is dead to me now…she obviously does not give a shit...and has zero interest in talking to me or feeling a need to explain herself…so I’ll give her space…time….

I already wrote down what I might send her…

Hope the New Year brings you a clearer mind, an open heart…and the courage to do what makes you happiest. And hopefully you’ll read this…it’s much more interesting than Fate Walks In.

If I’m foolish enough to end up sending this to her it’s probably because the fool feels like he’s got no choice…he has to do something over nothing.  No regrets. I’ve never told a woman I think she should choose me over another…I have however told a woman, “I need you.” but that was only to convince her to come back to my hotel room and spend the night with me…and it actually worked…she melted when I said it…and I kind of felt terrible about it cause it was only a 1-night stand…but the point is…I do think we both need each other right now…and maybe it’s for different reasons…maybe for the same reason…I don’t know…but I can’t ask this one to be with me…I’m competitive, but not when it comes to dating…one, I don’t need that kind of pressure…and neither does she…but in the end, I shouldn’t have to say something like that…no man should…she has to be the one…she knows I like her and that I want to be with her…and that’s all she needs to know….that…and the lyrics to Thunder Road
By Bruce Springsteen

The screen door slams
Mary’s dress sways
Like a vision she dances across the porch
As the radio plays
Roy Orbison singing for the lonely
Hey that's me and I want you only
Don't turn me home again
I just can't face myself alone again
Don't run back inside
Darling you know just what I’m here for
So you're scared and you're thinking
That maybe we ain’t that young anymore
Show a little faith, there's magic in the night
You ain’t a beauty, but hey you're alright
Oh and that's alright with me

You can hide beneath your covers
And study your pain
Make crosses from your lovers
Throw roses in the rain
Waste your summer praying in vain
For a savior to rise from these streets
Well now I’m no hero
That's understood
All the redemption I can offer, girl
Is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow
Hey what else can we do now?
Except roll down the window
And let the wind blow
Back your hair
Well the nights busting open
These two lanes will take us anywhere
We got one last chance to make it real
To trade in these wings on some wheels
Climb in back
Heavens waiting on down the tracks
Oh-oh come take my hand
Riding out tonight to case the promised land
Oh-oh thunder road, oh thunder road oh thunder road
Lying out there like a killer in the sun
Hey I know it's late we can make it if we run
Oh thunder road, sit tight take hold
Thunder road

Well I got this guitar
And I learned how to make it talk
And my cars out back
If you're ready to take that long walk
From your front porch to my front seat
The doors open but the ride it ain’t free
And I know you're lonely
For words that I ain’t spoken
But tonight well be free
All the promises I’ll be broken
There were ghosts in the eyes
Of all the boys you sent away
They haunt this dusty beach road
In the skeleton frames of burned out Chevrolets

They scream your name at night in the street
Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet
And in the lonely cool before dawn
You hear their engines roaring on
But when you get to the porch they're gone
On the wind, so Mary climb in
Its a town full of losers
And I’m pulling out of here to win.



So this was something I wrote for the most part right after it happened some 2 1/2 years ago...I have added some thoughts and cleaned it up a bit from the original version, but for the most part it's the same.  I've stopped short of including a picture of her, but I recently saw Jerry McGuire again and she looks a little bit like Kelly Preston did in that film. She even acted like her. Lol. Kelly played Tom Cruise's first girlfriend, before Renee Zellwegger.  

In addition to wondering what she looks like if you've read all 5 parts you have to be curious what happened after New Year's and if we ever talked again.  When New Year's came and went without hearing from her it only sent me into a deeper funk. I was crushed and knew it was over over.  So for the first time I said to myself "What the fuck. I don't give a fuck" and I mailed her a version of what you just read.  Yes...I actually sent the entire recap to her. I knew the risk. But I also felt it was over anyway, so at least she'd get to hear my side of things.  I guess I needed the last word. I don't know. A small part of me hope she would be flattered by the attention...the humor, the vulnerability, etc.

We had a pleasant email exchange in late January which I initiated where she apologized for not taking into account how I might have felt about her text and that she'd be happy to sit down with me and tell me what's going on.  I should have just accepted that from her, but instead I insisted she read the attachment first. Keep in mind, she emailed me back BEFORE she read the Rehash.

She called me shortly thereafter, and as you might expect, it was not such a heart warming conversation. She was clearly freaked out. And wouldn't address anything with me. I sniped "I guess the sex got better." She refused to say anything, except "I'm not going to discuss with you what our problems may have been". And that was pretty much it. She tried explaining to me she had been on the fence with the other guy. Either she was going to go "all out" or "all in", which to to this day, I have no idea what she meant by that. How can you go from possibly breaking up to committing 100%....especially in the beginning of a relationship.  And she thought I was crazy...The reality was...I was crazy....for her.  I may think a little differently at times...and act unusual....but crazy?  Hardly. I know exactly what I'm doing at all times...I was just in love with her....and it (she) was driving me nuts. The way she looked at me...the way she talked to me.  I fell quick. And I fell hard. 

The phone call tortured me...and to this day I'm still haunted by it. I got sick from it.

Afterward I tried to text, email...but she was virtually unresponsive. I reached out to her after my 40th birthday last year with a phone call and surprisingly she returned it, but not surprisingly, her response came via text. Our experience apparently meant nothing to her. I meant nothing to her. 

What most disappoints me is knowing she's not the woman I thought she was. Loving. Caring. Strong. She's none of those things. Instead, she's Selfish, Cold, Insincere and Weak. 

While I know she could never match my heart, I do question my strength. I've been unable to completely put this affair behind me. Yes I can't let it go...but I don't want to either. I can't forget how she made me feel. I even told her she was both the best thing to happen to me...and the worst. If I was done with women before her...I have no idea where I'm at now. Two things continue to not help me. parents live down the street from an apartment complex that bears her last name. And favorite pair of shorts..the shorts I happened to be wearing on the day I met her...bear her name in block letters on the inside waist. It's the label of the shorts! How weird is that?! I should throw those shorts I guess...but crazy...that I was wearing her brand the day we met. Does she care about any of that? Hell no! The only woman who cares about such things like these kind of "signs" is Salma Hayek and that was in Fools Rush In.....which use to be one of my favorite movies until my Fairytale ending thunderously collapsed.

Since it happened, I started writing and talking to women more and more about how men feel...and help them realize there's a lot more to us than just what's between our legs...which ironically is the same argument they have with us. Yet...I still think there's a fundamental difference in how we view things and we approach things. 

Men listen far more to their hearts and less to either one of their heads....than any woman would believe. Our hearts drive us...whether we know it's good for us or not. We're an act first and sort it out later type bunch. And the reason many men operate with closed hearts because, much like myself, they've been burned one too many times. I have no answer how to fix it nor do I have any idea if I'm ever going to really love again. Do I even want to?

What I do know without question is that you shouldn't judge anyone based on time, or what your friends may tell you...or even what you maybe assuming.  All you have to do is ask the person you're with what they're thinking. Don't be afraid. Be honest with yourself first and then be honest with another. Open your heart. And you will get the truth. The naked truth.

And one final reminder to all you ladies questioning how you feel....look to your never lies.