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Monday, December 5, 2011

Stop rewarding men who play it "cool"

Ladies, you know exactly what I'm talking about. All men know what I'm talking about for sure. There's a perception among men that if they show too much interest in a woman then she will be less attracted to him. It's why men wait a certain reasonable amount of time before calling or texting. It's why men tend to "hide" their emotions from women. Like they said in the film Swingers "You don't want to scare off a beautiful baby."

While many women will scoff at this idea as juvenile or immature there are just as many out there who lend credence to this disturbing line of thinking. And I do mean "disturbing" because what a lot of women are doing is actually encouraging a cool, non-caring, indifferent approach by continuing to reward men for such aloofness. Often being mysterious is confused for just being what the guy asshole.

A semi-famous female friend of mine gave this interview to a magazine.

I am not interested in a man that is putty in my hands. Why not? Oh God no, who wants that? I mean, would you want a girl that is like, "Oh my God, you are so good looking. You are so great. You are the greatest thing since sliced bread. I can't wait to go out with you again." Ultimately people—women—want an element of challenge. Who wants to be with someone who is putty in their hand? Who wants that? I'll get a lap dog. Who wants that?
So you would like a man who is more in control, who...You want somebody who is on your level, who is your equal. Or if not your equal, then darn close. To be complimented, to be admired, or to be adored by your boyfriend, it is wonderful, it is lovely, but to say putty in my hands...I don't want to have all of the control. That's not sexy to me. That is when a man becomes unattractive. You know, when he hands me his scrotum and says, 'Here, take my balls and put them in your purse.' That is not sexy to me.
Do you think men feel the same way, or do we like lap dogs?For men it is the same. If you have your choice between two girls, say you start dating two girls at the same time, and you like them both about the same. And one of them returns your phone call when it is convenient for her, and likes to see you, and is interested in seeing you, but is not foaming at the mouth. And the other one calls you three times a day and, you know, twice after the date just to tell you what a good time she had. And she asks you when can you go out again and tells you that you are the cutest guy she has ever been out with. Honestly, you are innately going to be attracted to the girl who is a little bit cooler. You might think there is something wrong with somebody who is so over the top.

For's not the all. "You might think there is something wrong with somebody who is so over the top."  Why do women automatically think there is something wrong with a guy who's not afraid to show affection immediately?  I believe many women are so insecure with very little self-confidence they simply can't understand why a guy would like them as much as they do...especially, if they barely know each other. This is absolutely the case with my friend above. Her thought process seems to be a subconscious method of self sabotage. She won't allow herself to be attracted to someone who treats her right and adores her....why? Because she is not completely happy with she needs to feel challenged a bit so she can "prove herself" worthy to a man. And that probably best explains why women do not handle extreme admiration and affection from a man well. On the other hand, believe it or just want to receive love from women...we're not into questioning your motives. And if we like you, no excess amounts of love is going to spoil it.

And on the topic of questioning love, it's especially intriguing as to why women dig the "bad boy".....I guess there's a gena-say-qua about the "I don't give a shit attitude."

Of course this video is funny because we know George is "full of shit" and completely flipping out on the inside that Anna digs him...and how much he likes her....but we're also aware this is the kind of shit that works with women. And you ladies wonder why men aren't more "honest". We're not honest because we know you reward dishonest behavior!

As for how men perceive admiration......No man I know is going to be turned off by a woman he likes just because she told him how wonderful he is and how she can't wait to see him again. The last time I was completely smitten with a woman she texted me right after I left her place and before I even got home that night telling me what an incredible time she had and couldn't wait to see me again. And this was after our first date!  That text made me feel on top of the world. The thought of "something must be wrong" with her never even entered my mind. You know what did?....That I just hit the fucking lottery that this chick was that into me.

A married guy friend of mine, who happened to be holding his wife's cell phone, showed off her screensaver which was a photo of the two of them together. He described the photo as the most beautiful women in the world and some schlub. He was like "Look at me. In this stupid hoody and silly expression next to this smiling princess. How can she be with me? I even asked her about this photo and she was like, 'It's cute.  How can this photo be cute to you?'" He laughed it off to us as he shared the story. He went on to say, "And as hot as she is...she's even cooler. And I felt this way as soon as I met her too.  I'm the luckiest guy ever."  

Note...this guy has no problems getting women...and he's a pretty good looking dude too...there's nothing "wrong" with him...yet he still had this humble attitude about how lucky he was to be with his now wife.  When I asked him if he was able to play it "cool" with her and he said "I tried, but after a week I couldn't take it anymore and had to come clean. I was nuts." He went on to say that if he had played the cool card some other dude would be married to her today. What it took was real nuts for my boy to not "be cool" and lucky for him, his woman appreciated it. And I'm sure part of the reason he married her was because he quickly found out she was indeed a rare emerald in a city filled with cold stones. She's a woman who rewards guys for doing the right thing.

Perhaps there's another reason as to why many women are so uncomfortable if they think a guy is feeling a little  too lucky to be with her. Besides a woman's overall lack of confidence and self awareness maybe it has something to do with not wanting the pressure of living up this ideal. As in "OMG! This guy likes me so much I can't possibly measure up to his perception of me. I'm only going to disappoint him."  If this is the case, it's not your problem...that is ours. And as such, men also perpetually remind each other, "Do not put the pussy on the pedestal." In other words, our fantasy image of you is not necessarily the reality. And unfortunately, I've learned this lesson many times.

Worship vs Admiration is a fine line....Of course, no one wants to be silly putty. I agree with my friend that trait, by nature, can be inherently unattractive. No one wants to be or feel like a complete lush.  However, we all know what it's like to melt in someone's presence. And maybe we all fight against it because then we're giving up all our control and "hand." We're exposed and not protected.  And once you do that, how do you retain your mysterious sex appeal?  

When it comes to sports there's an expression, "Act like you've been there before."  This refers to celebrating after a TouchDown in football or a big play. It's meant to be a way to be humble or like it's not that big of a deal I just did that. But acting like you've been there with woman and not being overly excited which is what we're talking about then how special of a connection can it be? When it comes to love, acting like you've "been there" probably means you don't value your connection. I would hate for a chick to act like she's been there with me. When she kisses me or fucks me I want to think she's NEVER been

Another woman I know talks about the "creep factor" of a guy who shows an over-the-top interest in her. Ironically, she's dating a guy now who she's nuts about but complains she can't figure him out cause one day he's all hot 'n heavy for her and then the next, complete silence. Clearly, he's playing the game with her and she's still rewarding him for it. She's questioning the exact behavior she claims to find creepy. What she should do is open her own heart, tell him how she feels and assure him that if really likes her he doesn't need to continue to be "mysterious" about it. But if only wants to keep on fucking her and nothing more...that's still OK too. Which I know she'd accept as well. She's quite the horny chick.
But I still maintain.....Love melts even the coldest and hardest of hearts.

Women need to understand that women drive men nuts far beyond any normal level of comprehension.  And any man who's not acting nuts and playing it "cool" is either:

A. Full of shit
B. Not that into you.

So my question is "Why would you want to be with either?"

What you're telling me is that you'd rather be a with a dooshbag who doesn't fully appreciate being with you because "he's been there before" or you're no "big deal" because he's had hotter women than you. That's the type of man you'd rather be with? Guess what? That's also the type of man who will cheat on you. And that woman who gave that interview I posted above...every man she's ever cared about has cheated on her. 

The greatest gift one can give another is to surrender to their only absolute  If you truly want to find happiness and love with a man then you should spend more time listening to your heart and less time to trying to figure things out with your head.