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Sunday, January 6, 2013


When it comes to dating I often wonder: Why, what's the point? Especially with the disengaged state I'm currently in, I think about dating, or more accurately, not dating, more and more. Maybe it's just me, but I'm incredibly curious as to why men date at all. From a guy's perspective, it takes a tremendous of effort, time and money. So why do we even bother?

Well, the most obvious reason guys date is for sex. Any sex at all will do thank you very much...And if we're thinking of possibly progressing into a serious relationship we're really thinking how this is hopefully going to lead to "regular sex."  Unlike women who can pretty much just walk up to a guy at any moment in any setting and say they want to have with sex with him, a guy must do some obligatory flirting, wining, dining, texting, sexting, not calling, acting not interested, etc. just to get the panties off.  Even if we're talking about a 1-night stand, it's incredibly rare for a man to meet a woman and instantly get her to take her clothes off. While I miraculously managed to do it in under an hour one late night/early morning in NYC several years ago; I'm pretty sure if the woman I hooked up with had said to me then, "Let's go" within the first 5 minutes, I would have gone home with her right away.....I would have just ordered my pizza slice to go.

The next most likely reason for guys dating is for companionship. Although, I tend to think this reason has more to do with a fear of being alone, than actually seeking the company of a woman. And this is not meant as any sort of disrespect to woman;  but rather, I know guys have no problems hanging with "the guys"   all the time, whether it be while watching TV, going out to eat, drinking, sports, whatever. Guys can always bond with other guys. Whereas, many women I know openly express a disdain for female friends and like to admit they are a "guy's girl" and have always had more guy friends in their life. So, if we're strictly talking "companionship", all guys would be gay.

I know certain guys that bounce from one long term relationship to another without any real commitment to the person they're dating simply because they're terrified to be alone. Now, they wouldn't necessarily openly admit this to be the case, but based on the way they behave when they're in the relationship there's not another likely explanation.  To add fuel to this theory, they often ask me, "Don't you worry about being alone the rest of your life?"  I realize a lot of women think in a similar context and the idea of not having someone "special" in your life can, naturally, be a bit unsettling.  However, with regard to the idea of "companionship" as a reason to date, I'm not sure you'd want to be with someone who seeks it. This person is more about their own level of comfort than yours.

From a male's perspective another reason to date is to find someone to mother them. Not entirely a conscious decision, but many guys seek a woman who can take the place of their mother. Plenty of these guys exist that can't possibly take care of themselves without the proper care and nurturing a woman can provide. From cooking to cleaning to laundry to making decisions, these guys always depended on their mother, and so instinctively, they look for a woman who can satisfy these needs.  

I was recently laid up with a bad back, barely able to move; and if it were not for the aid of a female friend, I don't know what I would have done. In this particular case, yes I needed her tremendously to "mommy" me. I doubt any guy I know would have easily and as generously assisted me as she did. And I'm forever grateful to her. However, this still would not be enough of a reason I would date someone...just to be able to take care of me in case of emergency. Again...a very good friend can fill this don't need to date to develop loving and trusting relationships.

A 4th reason to date may very well be for family. While women tend to be stereotyped as the ones who want to start a family and must deal with their ticking biological clocks, I know plenty of single guys who've openly expressed an interest in having kids and a wife, along with all those other domesticated things that go with a healthy marriage.  Guys don't worry so much about their "clock", but they do wonder about being too old to run around with their kids, or even if their parents will get to enjoy their grandchildren one day. A friend of mine who recently got married actually positioned such an argument to me as to why he was "ready." He didn't want his Parents to be too old by the time he had kids...and the woman he was seriously dating was also "ready"....although I think her readiness had more to do with all her sisters and friends having babies than anything else. 

Guys who date, yet are reluctant to start a family, are most likely  worried about their sex life evaporating, than any freedom they may relinquish as a result of children. It's common for a couple's sex life to suffer after the baby...and I think it's guys who think most about this sexless future. After all, we've worked so hard to get to this point of regular, meaningful sex we're weary of anything disrupting this good fortune.

Notice I've yet to discuss how men date for a woman's job or money.  And the reason is quite simple. I've never met a man who says he's dating someone because of what they do for a living or for their wealth. I'm not saying it never happens...I'm saying, unlike with women, it virtually never happens. Guys may be attracted to women who are career driven with ambition and goals, but they're never going to specifically care how you make your money....unless you're in the porn/stripper/whore line of work...then some of us will in, some of us will be even more turned on by you; while others, will be just as easily turned away.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's far too many reasons given for dating than the one that ultimately matters most. Or should matter most anyway. Why can't I just date you because I like you? Why do I need a reason other than you make me feel better when I'm around you. Yet, too often, women don't want to feel the burden of being liked in this way. I've heard from many woman that just knowing they're the reason for someone's happiness is too much pressure to carry. They claim, "I don't want to be responsible for someone else's happiness." Are you joking? Making someone else happy is the most selfless, loving, greatest gift you can give another human being.  That's what life is all about. Without happiness you have nothing!

Knowing the type of guy you're dating...and more importantly, understanding his reasons for dating you, will help you become more aware of what you're getting into....long before you become dissatisfied or disappointed.  The best advice I can offer is to make sure you date for the right reason; however, you choose to define "right."